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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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My wife keeps complaining about how I sit around on my @rse all day doing f*ck all and how I only empty the bin once a month.
I don't care though, I love working for the council. |
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The wife puts on a new frock. "How do I look?" she asks. "Like a winner!" I reply.
She goes away pleased. And I thank god for Eurovision |
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A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greenkeeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!" The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said "I am going to call a colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" |
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I bumped into my ex today.
I said, "Hey, Sara, it's been ages. You look way better than you did when we were dating." "Are you trying to mock me?" she said. "No, why?" "Because I'm wearing a Burka," she replied. |
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I'll never forget what my Dad said to me when I first left home.
"If at first you don't succeed, don't even f*cking think about moving back in here." |
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For a cheap laugh at your wife's expense... try slipping a party popper into her tampon box.
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First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
Funny sense of humour my plumber has. |
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I overheard my son telling his pal, "My dad's harder than your dad."
The two-timing b*stard. |
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So, I was tickling my little brother's feet when mum wakes up and starts giving me a right earful.
Something about "Waiting until he's born". |
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A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Myp*nis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
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I saw David Cameron holding a "Bring back our Girls" card on BBC this morning.
Lazy ****. If you've left your daughter down the pub again, go fetch her yourself. |
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Nobody in Newcastle wears a jacket.
In a nightclub queue, it's all boob tubes and mini skirts, even in winter. Then the women arrive. |
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Because I don't eat a lot my wife says I might have an eating disorder and I should go and see someone about it.
If only she'd see someone about her cooking disorder then I may not have a problem. |
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The Chilcott Inquiry has agreed to publish the "gist" of the conversation between George Bush and Tony Blair.
Bush: "Saddam's a c*nt. Let's invade" Blair: "Yes Sir." |
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A very interesting debate about whether Ukip should be taken seriously on BBC Question Time.
Featuring Piers Morgan and Joey Barton.... |
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That's two Glazers gone from United now... if you include the one who used to build their trophy cabinets.
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why have elephants got four feet?
cos they"d look silly with only six inches!! |
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I just made this up. Should I send it to Tim Vine or is it sh1te?
My wife became hysterical this morning when her hair kept getting in her face. I said get a grip! 7/10 from me |
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yes it is sh1te, so yes, send it to tim vine
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Not too bad HH.With a fair wind 7/10 about right.
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A little Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down and says: "7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown" The little Irishman faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................ I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each.... and my name is Turner Brown" The Irishman says: "Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said,"Turn around!"  |
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^ superb
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A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.
“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks. “I´m having a baby.” – she replies. “Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes. “Yes, it is.” – she says. “Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look. “Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?” |
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I had sex with my mum's sister the other day.
Just thought I'd up the Aunty. |
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Lolly Pop ladies.
They make me cross. |
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My wife's takes me for an idiot sometimes. "I bet when I'm away next week, you won't use the washing machine, you probably don't even know how to!"...
"Of course I do!" I replied. "You put it on 180 degrees or Mark 6!" |
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Had the Large Hadron Collider experiment failed, the DFS sale would have actually ended.
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When Jesus went back to heaven, didn't he just move back into his parents house?
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Women, here is a reason that you will never be equal to men.
I asked my girlfriend to record something for me on ITV2 +1. She recorded ITV3. |
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Two sperms are having a race. One sperm says, "F*ck me all this swimming is knackering me, how long till we reach the womb?"
The second sperm says, "F*cking long way to go yet mate - we've only just gone past her tonsils!" |
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If you support the work of the National Stalking Advocacy Service.
Don't follow us on Twitter. |
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Had the Large Hadron Collider experiment failed, the DFS sale would have actually ended.
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Putting Joey Barton on Question Time is like putting Stephen Hawking on Strictly....
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Joey Barton represents the views and intellect of more people than Stephen Hawking...
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If you support the work of the National Stalking Advocacy Service.
Don't follow us on Twitter. |
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Just saw that yoghurt advert for perle de lait. It says 'pleasure makes you beautiful'.
Obviously they've never seen my w@nk face. |
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Just checked wikipedia and apparently the suffix "Stan" is a Persian meaning for "land of".
So Kazakhstan is land of the Kazakhs. Tajikistan is land of the Tajiki's and Pakistan is. Oh no wait. Even the ancient Persians were racist. |
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I think this crackdown on child pornography is going a bit far.
The police have just confiscated my wife's ultrasound scans. |