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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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Steven Gerrard reveals that England are preparing for World Cup penalty shootouts by practising shaking their heads while looking dejected.
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why do midgets make sh×t parents?
because they struggle to put food on the table. |
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An Irishman goes over to London and goes looking for work on a building site.
"Before I take you on," says the foreman, "I want to ask you a few questions. Can you tell me the difference between a joist and a girder?" "Aw Jaysus, that's an aisy one, "says Paddy, "Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust." |
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David Beckham's son has got a job in London coffee shop earning £2.68 an hour to teach him the value of money.
I bet it really hits home when the limo picks him up after work and takes him to his £40 million family home. |
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A man goes to the doctor. He said, "Doc, I think there may be something wrong with the pills you gave me last time."
The doctor peered over his glasses, "Why do you think that Mr Jones?" "I keep veering to the left, then to the right." "I shouldn't worry about that," replied the doctor. "Those are just side effects." |
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Was out with the new girlfriend when a mouse jumps out of nowhere, to impress her I bricked the little f*cker
I'm now single And banned from Disneyland. |
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My mate was complaining the older he got the more he noticed hair growing in places that it never had before.
Like on his girlfriend's p*zzy. |
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Girl comes into the pub with half her t1ts showing, I look at them, I'm the pervert...
I walk into the pub with half my c0ck showing...Girl looks at it...I'm still the pervert!? |
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Nymphomaniacs; they're f*cking everywhere.
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Joe Hart said that England have a good chance of winning the Brazil World Cup.
I fully expect him to be banned from the tournament, for failing his drugs test tonight. |
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During some excavation work, a team of Israeli archaeologists discovered a previously undetected cave. They were very excited because the following five symbols were carved on one wall of the cave:
A woman A donkey A shovel A fish A Star of David The archaeologists declared this a unique find. The carvings were thought to be at least three thousand years old. They carefully cut out the piece of stone holding the symbols and sent it in to the Tel Aviv Museum. Soon, archaeologists from all over the world were invited to discuss the meaning of the markings. The chairman opened the meeting by pointing to the first symbol and saying: "We can judge from the first symbol that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were smart enough to train donkeys to help them till the soil. The shovel symbol means they had tools to work with. Their intelligence is highlighted by the fish, which means that when their crops failed, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol means they were evidently Hebrew." The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman.' " |
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I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine.
Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit? |
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A carrier is someone who doesn't show symptoms of an illness but can pass it to people they come into contact with.
For example, David Cameron is a carrier for Tourettes. |
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Quality poem
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, an Italian and a German go to Edinburgh during the Fringe Festival.
They're walking along the Royal Mile when they come across a large crowd watching a juggler. The juggler notices that the men are struggling to see him due to the crowd. He lays his suitcase down and stands on top of it. "Can you lot see me now?" asked the juggler. The men replied "Yes, oui, sì, ja". |
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My 96 year old grandmother died after completing the London Marathon.
It was a sad day. But at least she had a good run. |
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What do you call a woman who can't make sandwiches?
Single. |
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What do you call a wife that has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced. |
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The first rule of Fight Club is, you do not talk about Fight Club.
The second rule of Fight Club is don't let Audley Harrison in, unless it's ladies night. |
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My latest ambition is to move to Liverpool and open a seafood restaurant for Dyslexics called "Clam Down, Clam Down!"
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In an argument with my girlfriend yesterday, she shouted at me:
"Stop making jokes about rape! How do you think the women feel?" "Depends on the girth," was probably not the best response. |
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A pedestrian is run over by a car every 6 minutes in New York.
And he's getting facking fed up with it. |
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My wife said, "Fancy a bit of phone fun tonight?"
I said, "Yeah, definitely. Let's call your mum and tell her you've died." |
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I wonder if Hank Marvin gets fed every time he introduces himself??
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F*ck you, b*tch. You ripped my still-beating heart from my chest and sh*t on it. I hate you, you f*nny battered sl*t m*nger.*
Oops, silly autocorrect, I meant "Yeah sure, I'd love to still be friends xxx". |
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3-D printer:
Buy One Get One Free! |
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Today I saw a mechanic sitting on an auto part, drinking a cup of tea.
Think he was on a brake. |
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I think the American judicial system has treated Abu Hamza very unfairly, so I'm organizing a demonstration. Please print your banners with the following slogan.
HANDS OFF ABU HAMZA |
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What's the difference between chants and chance.
The English will have some chants in Brazil. |
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If it's true that the mosque near Ground Zero is to promote tolerance, then I suggest that a gay nightclub be opened next door. Two names would be "The Turban Cowboy," and "You Mecca Me Hot." On the other side they should open a butcher shop that specializes in pork and across the street a store that sells and displays lingerie on live models.
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I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"
I replied, "No, you sick ****. I'll be putting it up in my living room." |
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A husband and wife get married young and, on their honeymoon, the wife discovers something quirky about her husband: he refuses to make love with the lights on. This doesn't really bother her so she decides to just let it go and accept her husband's quirks.
Years pass and the husband still remains adamant about keeping the lights off, and the wife starts wondering why this could be. She finally decides to do something about it and, one night, in the middle of a tryst, she turns on the bedside lamp. She looks down and sees her husband holding a flesh textured, much larger than regular, dildo. "How could you have been lying to me all these years?" she yells at him. The husband looks straight back at her and answers, "Honey, you shouldn't get upset." "Shouldn't get upset? how can you possibly explain this?" "Okay, tell you what: I'll explain this if you explain the children." |
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I gave my wife £50 and told her to go out on Thursday and not come back until the football was finished.
"I won't need that much," she laughed. "You will," I said. "It's got to last you five weeks." |
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The wife said if England win the World Cup I can do her up the @rse.
B1tch. |
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FIFA President Sepp Blatter today left his Brazil hotel with a riot squad surrounding him, reports say it was to protect the public from his bullsh1t.
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