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Got any jokes?
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When asked whether someone must be able to speak English in order to be truly British, 40% of people answered 'yes'.
The other 60% couldn't understand the question. |
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I've just replaced our double bed with a trampoline.
My wife's going to hit the roof. |
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My husband strikes me as an abusive man.....
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I sent my wife Katie a Valentines Day card. It read;
"To my Katty, I want to fill you in the way you filled my soul." F*cking Moonpig, they got the K's and the F's mixed up. |
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"You remind me of the fine red wine we had last night." I said to my wife on her 40th.
"That's sweet babe," she said,"Better with age,am I?" "No," I replied,"You're finished." |
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Rally driver admits he has no idea what co-driver is talking about
Top British rally driver, Mark Fischer, today found himself at the centre of a storm of controversy after confessing that he had absolutely no idea what his long-term co-driver, Gethyn Davis, was talking about during races. It had been assumed that co-drivers were reading ‘pace notes’, a series of instructions describing how to negotiate the road layout ahead, but Fischer claims the notes are ‘total nonsense’ and that he has simply been humouring his co-driver all these years. ‘It’s just gibberish,’ he said. ‘But the regulations say that there must be two people in the car at all times during the race, and Gethyn was a good mate so I always just took him along for the ride.’ Davis is reported to be furious at Fischer’s statement and maintains that they were equal partners in the team, but Fisher has been quick to dismiss this. ‘Oh, come on,’ he said. ‘I mean, ’50 5-left and stop 2-right half minus braking into K-right 90 maybe and absolute crest 500′. What the hell am I supposed to make of that when I’m flat out over a jump sideways at 90mph?’ This is not the first time Fischer has courted controversy over the role of co-drivers. In 2009, after finding himself without a co-driver for the Jyvaskyla Rally in Finland, he kidnapped a homeless man and forcibly strapped him into the passenger seat to ensure that the two-people-in-each-car rule was complied with. The stunt only came to light when onboard footage taken during the race revealed that rather than reading the ‘pace notes’, the Finnish co-driver was in fact screaming the words ‘Oh ****!’ over and over again, occasionally interspersed with other phrases including, ‘Watch out for that house’ and ‘Slow down, you mad bastard’. |
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I lost my wedding ring yesterday. Had a brief look under the sofa but wasn't really bothered, so my wife told me to look harder.
I've shaved my hair and bought a new Nike tracksuit, but I still can't find it. |
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Scare some people at your local theme park by bringing nuts and bolts with you and then showing them to the person next to you when the ride has begun.
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There has now been proven to be a direct link between the quality of nicknames and the quality of football of the Brazil team. The flair of Pele, Zico and Socrates has been replaced by the traditional English skills of Jo, Fred and Bernard.
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100 men were asked if they preferred women with slim or plump legs.
5% said slim 3% said plump 92% said they preferred something in-between. |
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I've nicknamed my p*nis 'Elbow'.
It's flexible, It's hard, And my mum doesn't like it on the table during dinner. |
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It's not true women go mad for a man in uniform. I've been working in McDonalds a month now and not so much as a lingering look
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The 2022 World Cup will be held in Qatar, a country where you cannot drink alcohol.
This will be the one World Cup the Scots will ironically qualify for. |
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When I was a kid, I used to hate going bra shopping with my mum.
In fairness if she hadn't kept feeding me chocolate I wouldn't have needed one. |
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Spain are blaming their loss yesterday on the weather.
Apparently it was 2 Chile. |
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Why is it acceptable for Horses to sh1t in the street, but not me?
I'm the one who pays council tax. |
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I recently won a two minute trolley dash around Waitrose.
When I'd finished, the staff told me I could've taken stuff off the shelves on my way round, but I still had fun. |
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My wife stormed into the living room and yelled, "I'm really p1ssed off, I've been called a fat b1tch twice today."
I replied, "You shouldn't have bought me that parrot then." |
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I sent a picture of my pen1s to a girl I had met online. It was a disaster, she just laughed at me.
"Is that all you got?" she asked? 2 minutes later I received a picture of hers.... |
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There's a rumour going round that my mate was shagging an old dear in the care home he work in. Well, thankfully he's put that one to bed.
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Apparently 60% of kids are overweight, and 72% of kids are having under-age sex...
...So who is sh@gging all the fat kids? |
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At least Roy Hodgson has finally worked out how to stop us getting knocked out on penalties.
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*** BREAKING NEWS ***
Tributes are pouring in for Scotland, after the entire nation died laughing at England in the World Cup. |
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pedigree dog comes out of a dog show and meets a mongrel dog
"how did you get on"? asks the mongrol "great,two first,two seconds,highly commemded" "ive had a great day too " said the mongrol, "two fights,two ****s, highly delighted"! |
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So, what do you look for in a girl?
Mainly the G-spot. |
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I went to a psychiatrist and asked if he could do anything for my fear of rejection.
He said, "No." |
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Last night I won the Worst Body Odour contest hands down.
No-one came close. |
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What do you call a girl who keeps disappearing?
Heidi. |
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As a Lib Dem MEP I have been asked many questions over the years working in Europe.
Now the only question I'm asked is: Have you done any work paid or unpaid since you last signed on? |
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I was looking for my car keys when my wife screamed out...
"Michael's killed himself, our poor boy's hung himself just because he failed his exams" I just stood there in stunned silence... they were in my pocket all the time. |
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I felt sh1t earlier.
Now my fingers smell. |
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I have a mental problem.
Or a wife, as she prefers to be called. |
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A woman went to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner
The Doc asked: "What's the problem, Janet?" The woman said: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dina know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroond'." The Doctor said: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. ...... When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep" Two weeks later she came back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She said: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didna touch me nae once! Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?" The Doctor said: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..." |
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bigmo 22 Jun 14 09:11
I felt sh1t earlier. Now my fingers smell. Andrex will stop you from being in touch with your inner self |
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Just got my Jack Wilshere world cup Panini sticker, peeled the back off and he's dislocated his shoulder.
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Bear Grylls suggests that p1ssing yourself is a good way of keeping yourself warm in extreme temperatures.
So to be safe I keep a recording of my wife falling down the stairs on me at all times. |
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People learn from history.
Which is why you should always delete it. |
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The wife asked for £5k to get her b00bs enlarged.
No way I told her adding rub them every day with toilet paper That won't work she said. Well it's worked on yer ar5e I told her. |