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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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I don't understand the point of lap-dancing clubs.
If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I'd stay at home with the wife. |
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Lady Gaga says giving birth is the most painful experience a woman could have.
How the f*ck would he know? |
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My wife's been complaining for hours about toothache. She's been going on and on about the pain, and how much she's afraid of the dentist.
I'd had enough, so I got a pair of pliers, stood on her forehead and yanked the f*cker out. Let's see how much moaning she can do without a tongue. |
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Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole.
One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound. He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The two men found a bigger rock and they lugged it to the hole and dropped it in. They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one really deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it. One man spotted a railway sleeper nearby. They picked up the sleeper and grunting and groaning they lugged it to the hole and heaved it in. Still no sound! Suddenly, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed and could hardly believe what they had seen. A few moments later, an old farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. They told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed - they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and leap into the big black hole. The men asked the farmer if this could have been his goat? The old farmer said "Naw, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a railway sleeper." |
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I met my Thai girlfriend for sex at her place.
She said, "You have condom?" "Yes," I replied, "But this time, can I wear it?" |
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I was talking to a bird in a bar last night and I asked, what does she do for living.
"I'm a scientist." I was really impressed. Most women can't pull off sarcasm. |
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^
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A foreign lady at the market held two pineapples up to me yesterday and said "I give you two for one sir".
It seemed like a fair swap, but I didn't have a pineapple on me unfortunately. |
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A masked man came into my shop today.
He handed me a briefcase and said, "Fill this!" "Oh wow," I replied, stroking the handle, "Is it real leather?" |
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What's fat and not fat?
Schrodinger's wife. |
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I slipped over on a wet floor at work and injured myself so I chose to get some online legal advice.
After my experiences, I won't be recommending TripAdvisor to anyone. |
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A teacher asks the class to find out what their mothers do.
Little Johnny goes home, his mum isn't around so he asks his dad. The next day the teacher asks little Johnny what his mum does. He replied, "What she's f*cking told." |
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Lynx: because some women aren't worth showering for.
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Three days after my friends wife died I told him that I'd slept with her
"Why did you wait so long to tell me?" he asked I replied with a puzzled expression, "I didn't wait..." |
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I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy"
I then wait at green lights 'til I feel better about myself. |
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A woman in a Burka asked me if her bomb looked big in this.
I said it did and she went right off on one. Talk about a short fuse. |
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TWENTY-NINE LINES TO HOPEFULLY MAKE YOU SMILE
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5. Don't take life too seriously, No one gets out alive. 6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are just missing. 10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12. God must love stupid people, he made so many. 13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 14. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. 15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! 17. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up. 18. Procrastinate Now! 19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts, do you want fries with that? 20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. 25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 26. Ham and eggs... a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true) 27. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few! |
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Female drivers:
The reason people look both ways when crossing a one way street. |
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The Welsh have found a new use for sheep?
Wool |
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Sky News reported that the plane crash in Buffalo killed 48 on board and 1 on the ground.
Surely they all died on the ground? |
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Bringing on Fernando Torres when you're in desperate need of a goal is like asking Oliver Reed to hold your pint.
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It's nice to see Spain bringing a bit of its culture to Football today,
Working for 20 minutes, followed by a nice deep sleep. |
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Children are God's revenge for having sex.
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What do you call 22 people sitting around a TV watching the World Cup Final?
The England World Cup Squad.  |
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Three days after my friends wife died I told him that I'd slept with her
"Why did you wait so long to tell me?" he asked I replied with a puzzled expression, "I didn't wait..."  class. |
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After having the previous day off, my colleague Mike asked what I'd been up too.
"I was actually setting the wheels in motion for my divorce." "Sorry to hear that" Mike said. "Don't be" I replied. "I spent the day sh@gging my wife's sister in a hotel." |
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I wonder if Piers Morgan thinks everybody who meets him has tourettes.
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Just seen on BBC 3 that oral sex causes cancer.
My wife should be fine then. |
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What have George Best and Wayne Rooney got in common?
They have never played in the World Cup finals. |
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I was recently sacked from my job at the garden centre for m@sturbating at work.
I'm not saying it's anybody else's fault but my boss should of been a bit clearer when he asked me to fertilise the soil. |
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I was having a row with my girlfriend last night and she accused me of being childish.
What does she know? She's just a stinky p00 face. |
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My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked. Poor b@stard must have wondered what the f*ck was going on. |
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Pippa Middleton's @rse is like a JK Rowling book.
You know Harry's going to be in it. |
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Really looking forward to the Iran vs Nigeria match tonight.
It's going to be an explosive game. |
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Ran over a pensioner last night on a zebra crossing.
She didn't even move, just looked at me like an old dear caught in the headlights. |
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Isn't it ironic?
Fish are now eating raw Japanese. |
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Scientists have found that married couples share similar DNA.
Hardly surprising, I've been topping the wife up with mine since our wedding night. |
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I saw David Hasselhoff go berserk at a waitress last night.
"I come here every week he said, and you still get it wrong... First is coleslaw, then comes corn on the cob and finally potato salad, how difficult is that?" he screamed. 'Typical' I thought, a woman who doesn't understand the Hoff-side rule. |
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I once used my b00bs to get out of a speeding ticket.
I flashed them at the policeman and he walked off in disgust saying, "Jesus, you need to go on a diet mate." |