The  Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!  Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London ...
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voice mail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat

My Chinese Mum bought me some sweets.

"Oh Mum, these are Haribo," I said.

"Well, if you don't like them, don't eat them," she replied.

Fitting instructions:

1) Lay on the floor
2) Shake uncontrollably

Arsenal have won their first major trophy for 9 years.

F*cking Hull.

Mirrors

Skyping for schizophrenics

Ejaculate: The ejection of semen.

Or...

A yorkshire person telling Jack he's not on time.

^ facking sh1t "joke"

I went to a referee's funeral today

It was a good send off

So the U.S. army have decided to try out drone technology to find the kidnapped girls in Nigeria. I'm sceptical.

The McCann's have been droning for years with no sign of Maddie to show for it.

Badger..if you don't like the joke fair enough but keep your comments to yourself..nobody gives a fck whether you find a joke funny or not.

Dildos are for ****

Another name for a cat.Geezeee

When my partner asked me to name all my sexual partners I'd ever had, I had to think back to when I was 16.

I took a couple of minutes to list them off and eventually got to my current girlfriend.

Looking back, that's where I should have stopped.

I had to rummage through the local rubbish tip to find my car keys this morning.

That's the last time I ask my wife to look after anything in her f*cking handbag.

The UK have decided to up their game for next years Eurovision. The song isn't written yet but to maximise the chances of winning they are inviting early applications from black, blind, lesbian, albino, transgender, paraplegic dwarves. Preference will be given to applicants born in Norfolk.

In an effort to make up with Yaya Toure, the owners of Manchester City have bought him stacks of gold, jewel encrusted toys to fill up his empty pram.

BREAKING NEWS: Manchester United have quietly Cancelled Marouane Fellaini's Birthday Celebrations and crossed their fingers..

I don't get the football 'jokes'

Childbirth.So easy a woman can do it.