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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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Our marriage guidance counselor told me that I need to help my wife re-build her self confidence.
So I told her that some men on the internet are really attracted to fat women. |
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I went out with a dolphin last night.
It was amazing, we just clicked.... |
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My wife always walks 10 steps behind me.
We're not Muslim, it's just she's too fat to keep up. |
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One beautiful Sunday morning, a man wakes up and rolls out of bed. As part of his normal routine, he kisses his wife and children, grabs a cup of coffee, and walks over to the front door to get the newspaper
As he steps out to pick up the paper, he notices a snail walking across his doorstep. He picks up the snail and leisurely chucks it across the street into a field. Four years later, he wakes up on another beautiful Sunday morning. As part of his normal routine, he kisses his wife and children, grabs a cup of coffee, and walks over to the front door to get the newspaper. As he steps out to pick up the paper, he notices a snail on his doorstep. The snail looks up at him and says, "What the **** was that all about?" |
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I went out with a dolphin last night.
It was amazing, we just clicked.... |
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A TV company is looking for people from Glasgow to appear in a documentary.
They are looking for people with shaved heads, tattoos on knuckles, beer bellies and who can f@rt and belch at will. Successful applicants will be allowed to take their husbands or boyfriends with them.  |
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"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop. "I had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." Groucho Marx. "The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation, but not the power of speech." George Bernard Shaw. "Some cause happiness wherever they go, some whenever they go." Oscar Wilde. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain. "Reader, suppose you were an idiot.And suppose you were a member of congress. But, I repeat myself." Mark Twain. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." Billy Wilder. "Anyone who told you that you should be yourself gave you the worst advice you've ever received." "Always give 100%, except when giving blood." "If you become a mother, can I have one of the puppies." Charles Pierce. |
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Lee Ballentine, poet, surrealist, engineer, publisher, art enthusiast
In a review of Katharine Hepburn's 1934 Broadway appearance in The Lake: "Her performance ran the gamut of emotions from A to B." In a review of dictator Benito Mussolini's 1927 novel The Cardinal's Mistress: "This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force." On the Ivy League "If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised." |
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"What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea." -Mahatma Gandhi.
"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of the pox!" "That, my Lord, depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress" -John Wilkes responding to the Earl of Sandwich, "Thank God I don't have to act with you anymore!" "Oh, I didn't know you ever had." -John Barrymore responding to Katherine Hepburn |
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If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without alcohol, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, Then You Are Probably The Family Dog! And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ... Handle every Stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or play with it, Peee on it and walk way. |
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BRILL BIGMO , KEEP EM COMING...
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Great stuff as usual Bigmo - but to pay her due credit your 3 excellent "Ballentine" quotes are all by Dorothy Parker
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When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I've got a dog, bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown over a grand on drink. She'll go absolutly f***ing mental when she gets home from work. |
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Cheers workrider and thanks blackbarn assumed the original source was correct as I've never heard them before.
My new girlfriend likes it really rough. When I asked what her favourite sex position was, she answered "The Recovery." |
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I was flashed by a speed camera going through Staines today.
No idea why, I was only doing 30 knots. |
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What was Trigger's favourite TV channel?
Rodney. |
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I'm going to a bar later - you pay £20 to get in and then drink as much as you like.
Tonight I'm going to party like it's 19.99 |
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The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie
last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster. My secretary sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!" I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!" A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers." I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex. |
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Congratulations to Lizzy Yarnold for winning Gold in the Winter Olympics. The expert coaching provided by David Beckham on how to ride the skeleton was invaluable.
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I don't know why the athletes are surprised at the poor living conditions in Sochi.
You ban gays from your town and interior design is going to suffer. |
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Two guys in their mid-twenties were sitting at a bar.
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired." His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do." A guy in his 70s sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation. He looked over at the guys and with the wisdom of years, he says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that sh!t!" |
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The Somerset floods are getting worse by the week.
Today, a rescue boat was held hostage by Somali pirates. |
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Lionel Richie has plans to open up a butchers in my local area..hes going to call it... Halal, is it meat your looking for.
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My wife started her job on a cruise ship last week.
My mate asked, "How's she getting on?" I replied, "I'm not sure, I think they use a crane." |
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I went to a disco last week.
They played the 'Twist', so I twisted. Then they played 'Jump' so I jumped. I was thrown out after 'Come On Eileen'. |
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I was in a pub in the 70's and thought I'd try the new canned drink that had just come out.
Colt 45 please. Sorry we haven't got them in stock yet. Never mind, I'll have a Luger and lime instead. |
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Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Midway airport, leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
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BERGKAMP...
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Bergkamp
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I asked my grandmother for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara tee shirt. Clothes, but no cigar.
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I got in touch with my inner self today. That’s the last time I buy toilet roll from poundland.
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All these floods and Politicians looking for photo opportunities.
Must mean they're after the floating voters. |
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Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under'. |
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Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a Goodyear. |
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BIGMO... |