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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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Justin Bieber goes to jail
Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest. Then learns cellmate is dyslexic. |
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Justin Bieber goes to jail
Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest. Then learns cellmate is dyslexic.  |
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People often accuse me of "stealing others jokes" and being "a plagiarist".
Their words not mine... |
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Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality...
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Day 19, I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool.- Pavlov's Dog
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I know a good Royal Mail joke but you might not get it.
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Entropy isn't what it used to be.
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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question.
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'Gay man in Nigeria given 40 lashes'
I bet he looks fabulous now. |
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A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.
Edit: Apparently an anecdote was also in attendance. |
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They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
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What do you call two crows on a branch? An attempted murder.
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The people of Saudi Arabia don't like the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi do.
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Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
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"I think animal testing is a terrible idea. They're just going to get nervous and give silly answers."
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I got home and my wife was being ****** by the art teacher next door.
"What the **** is going on?" I yelled. "Do you want me to draw you a ******* picture?" He replied. |
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I don't get it
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Perhaps the art teacher needs to draw you a picture Joel.
What do you call a jazz singing pachyderm? Elephants Gerald |
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What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick
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I was so ugly as a baby, when my mum bre@st fed me, she used to shut her eyes and think of other babies.
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I had Domino's for tea.
Bl00dy Awful, broke my tooth on a double six. |
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Vampires suck
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What's the difference between a dead junkie on a council estate and a dead junkie in Hollywood?
About six million sanctimonious status updates. |
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They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts...... Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.' Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off ' |
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If Mary, James, Peter, Richard, David and John are all in separate vehicles, travelling at a constant speed of 60mph, in a forward direction with no obstacles, at which point is Mary likely to stamp on her brakes and cause a ******* accident?
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After a successful trial, David Moyes has made a tentative loan move for William Roaches defence.
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My mate walked up to me in the pub last night and said, "Who's the bird sitting in the corner with duct tape across her mouth?"
"That's my new girlfriend." I replied. "Really?" he said, "You've kept that one quiet." |
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What's an urdu?
A scouse haircut My wife asked, "Have you heard the phrase 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder'?" I replied, "No, but I'm up for it if you are." |
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What do men do after an orgasm?
2% go peee 3% fall asleep 95% clear history & delete cookies |
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tinker - an Irish intellectual
miniscule - a toddlers' playgroup in Liverpool |
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ventriloquist out of work, applied for a job as a rep selling food for farm animals.
1st farm he went to he asked the farmer, will you buy my food, reply by farmer, oh no they love spillars , so the vent says what about asking the hens, hens what do you want the old spillars food or my nice spicy stuff. amazed the farmer hears the hens say oh the new food. this went on with the cows and horses, and farmer was amazed , never heard the animals speak before.so the farmer says. ok if the last animal says youre food I,ll take it, so the vent says we,ll ask the pigs , but farmer said oh no not the pigs.well vent insisted on asking the pigs, eventually farmer said, oh ok ask them , but if the ****g sow says I go out at 8 every night and shag her, shes a bloody liar |
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A young man gets sent to jail,
and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk..... "Let's play Mommy and Daddy - Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quickly, the man says "Daddy" "Then come up here and suck Mommy's d!ck" |
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and an urdu |
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(soz if already written)
Two vampire bats hanging upside down in a cave and feeling rather peckish. One agrees to go look and returns a short while later with a mouth full of blood. "Wow!" said the other bat "where did you get all that blood?" "See that tree?" "Yeah?" "Well I didn't" |
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I watched my first porn film yesterday.
Can't believe how young I looked in 1980. |