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These 14654 comments are related to the topic:
Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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An electron and a positron go into a bar.
Positron: "You're round." Electron: "Are you sure?" Positron: "I'm positive." |
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what's the point of cutting the grass? it'll only grow again.
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I can't even be bothered being apathetic.(no not Stephen wright!)
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No wind or rain forecast for tomorrow.
The Met Office have advised everyone to make unnecessary journeys. |
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The older I get the better I was.
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The older I get the better I was.
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I was sat watching the TV with my dad when I asked him who Sherlock's assistant was.
"Watson." "Who's Sherlock's assistant?" Sent from my Konrad Zuse - Z1 Computer |
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Seems to be very quiet everywhere for jokes at the moment.Found this one.
The Mother Superior announced "Sisters, I have something very serious to tell you. One of the nuns has broken her vows. We know this because we have a case of gonhorrea in the convent." An elderly nun at the back said to the young nun next to her "What did she say?" "She said we have a case of gonhorrea in the convent." "Thank Goodness" replied the elderly nun, "I'm sick to death of that Beaujolais"! |
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My hamster was ill so I took him to the vet. The vet gave him the once over and said he was on his last legs and probably would not last the night. I didn't think it was that bad. I was suspicious that the vet was a bit quick to pronounce without running any tests. So I asked him to at least run a few. He said.. it would be costly. He called to his assistant in the outer office..Daphne bring in fluffy. Daphne brought in a ginger tabby and the cat looks at my hamster. The tabby shakes it's head side to side. indicating a NO. The vet meanwhile has brought in a Labrador dog. It too looks at my hamster. It barks and shakes it's head to indicate a NO. There you go the vet says the cat scan and the lab tests both say NO chance of survival.
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hampster ffs
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Well its Jan 4th & I havent seen a Bulgarian
Mind you.........Ive only been in Bulgaria 4 days |
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 mange.. |
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Who is the coolest person in the hospital? The ultra sound guy. Who is the coolest person on his day off? The hip replacement guy.
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^^
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barry
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Former Israeli Prime Minister, Ariel Sharon has suffered a "sharp decline in health."
Said his son, Persil, outside the hospital. |
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I've heard a rumour that Rose West is going to appear on Celebrity Big Brother.
I can picture it now... "Rose is chilling in the lounge. The rest of the housemates are in the garden!". |
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A group of Ian Watkins girlfriends broke down in tears when the judge announced his thirty five year prison sentence.
But they were OK again when they had been fed and had their nappies changed. |
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- "I love Beyonce..."
- Whatever floats your boat mate. - No, you're thinking of 'buoyancy'. |
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My wife's funeral was really cheap although it would have been free if I hadn't been caught fly tipping
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Who is the coolest person in the hospital? The ultra sound guy. Who is the coolest person on his day off? The hip replacement guy.
I dont get it  |
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´cool´´sound´´hip´?
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2/10
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I'm not worried about the plane loads of Bulgarian and Romanian immigrants coming to England to claim benefits.
It's the plane from Australia with people on that claim they can play cricket I'm more concerned about. |
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I'm not worried about the plane loads of Bulgarian and Romanian immigrants coming to England to claim benefits.
It's the plane from Australia with people on that claim they can play cricket I'm more concerned about. Quite so, and if it says 'cricketer' on any of the passports. Send them back for trying to enter the country under false pretences. |
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I was having sex with my wife this morning and she moaned “hurt me” so I said “your hair is ugly”
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Manchester United were once the Goliath of English football, then along came David.....
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I wanted to sue the airline because they damaged my luggage
I showed the badly damaged remains to my lawyer. He said "You don't have much of a case" |
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Getting my mother in law to accept the free holiday was easy!!
The hard part is convincing her that Dignitas is Swiss for "spa" |
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A mateomine took his on holiday wiv the wife
Said it was either that...........or kiss her goodby |
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pardon?
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A man walks into his hotel's lift
The operator asks, "Which floor son?" "17th" replies the man "No problem son" says the operator As they approached the 17th floor the operator said, "Enjoy the rest of your stay son" "Why do you keep calling me son?!" asks the man "Well, I brought you up didn't I?" he replies |
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Dear Deidre
I had sex with my girlfriend last night and accidently peeed in her and now she wont speak to me. Looks like urine trouble matey. |
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It turns out that the photo opportunity of MP Keith Vaz and one of the first Romanian Immigrants to come into the country, is somewhat blemished by the fact that he's a convicted criminal.
However, the Romanian Immigrant has said he won't hold it against Mr.Vaz and hopes to meet more honest people during his stay in the UK. |
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The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
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I'm now waiting for Emile Heskey to come out and admit..
....he's really a painter and decorator from Plumstead. |
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My wife stormed out of the house and shouted at me, "You'll never find another one like me."
"Yes I will," I replied, "there are plenty more whales in the sea." |
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My girlfriend claims I try to make everything into a 'quiz'. Is that:
a) weird b) annoying c) unfair |
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Q What is the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen. |