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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS
1: I prefer bre@sts to legs. 2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3: Smother the butter all over the bre@sts. 4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 5: I've never seen a better spread! 6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change. 7: Are you ready for seconds yet? 8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10: Don't play with your meat! 11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 14: You still have a little bit on your chin. 15: How long will it take after you put it in? 16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had! 19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning. 20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more |
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A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and therehe was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name? "Morris Feinberg," he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims." "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop." "I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man." "I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a f#ck@ng brick wall." |
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Barrymore chuffed
Tom Daly come out the closet and he a strong swimmer too |
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pumpy
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The producers are now feeling that casting Adele as the lead role in Fiddler on the Roof at the Apollo, wasn't a good idea.
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Ronnie Biggs has died, aged 84.
This leaves National Rail as the last remaining Great Train Robber, with cheese sandwiches for £4.50 |
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I've nicknamed my c0ck Nicolas Cage.
It hasn't been in anything good for a very long time. |
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I always carve a heart with a woman's initials into a tree on the first date...
It's the most romantic way to show her you have a knife. |
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I took a taxi to my court appearance the other day.
"What are you here for?" asked the driver. "My bankruptcy hearing. You might as well come too." |
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I woke up this morning and my wife had me in a headlock. I think she had a wrestler’s nights sleep.
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Winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in the "New Woman Magazine"
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter. |
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One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
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A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
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The BBC are to do a special episode of ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’ with Peter Alliss, called ‘Who The F**k Is Alliss?”
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Hearing someone shout ‘Hey you! Don’t watch that, watch this!!’ is often the first sign of Madness.
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Just used Trip Advisor and it said “Pick your feet up and put your hands in front of you if you fall”.
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just been bidding on Ebay for a italian 2nd world war rifle...never used,dropped once...
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I bought my wife a Pug dog as a Christmas present. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
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I've just had my date of birth tattooed on my forehead. I think I must be showing my age.
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I once went out with a woman who worked in an abattoir. She was a stunner.
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A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex," she said. The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?" The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out." |
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you´re losing the plot bigmo m8. You told that joke just 5 years and 2693 posts ago FFS...
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I was walking past the Britannia Stadium yesterday and found two Stoke City season tickets nailed to a wall.
'I'll have them' I thought to missen 'You can never have enough nails.' |
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Oh very good Colly! You bounder!
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Did you hear about the two crows sitting on a branch? They got done for attempted murder.
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An elderly and very rich Jewish man was on his death bed in hospital. He summoned his eldest grandchild and asked her what she wanted before he passed away. ‘Anything you want, name it ‘ he said.
She said ‘I’m 25 next year grandpa, and I’d love a boutique in the Kings Road.’ He gave her a cheque for the required amount. He them summoned his eldest grandson, and asked him what he wanted before he passed away. ‘I’m 19 grandpa, and I own an old Nissan Primera, I’d love a Ferrari.’ He gave him a cheque for the required amount. His last grandchild was a 7 year old boy. After telling him he could have whatever he wanted, the boy started to cry and said ‘But I love you grandpa, I just want you to get better.’ ‘I’m sorry, but that’s not going to happen’ said the old man, ‘pick something you want, just for yourself.‘ ‘I really want you to get better’ the boy said ‘but if I can’t have that, all I want is a cowboy outfit.’ So his grandpa bought him West Ham Football Club. |
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I've just seen the news about Muslim staff in M&S refusing to sell alcohol.
Whatever next? Christian staff in B&Q refusing to sell nails and wood? |
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6663629." |
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"You're only working over Christmas to get away from me and the kids," my wife moaned.
"That's rubbish," I replied, packing my trunks for my lifeguard shift on Blackpool beach. |
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Get your money on Phil Brown to be the next Cardiff City manager.
He's got experience of managing in the Premier League with a ridiculous tan. |
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What does a clock do when it's hungry?
It goes back 4 seconds. |
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caring tories?
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As we came out of the church, my new bride walked across the street, kicked a homeless tramp in the face and spat on him.
"What the **** was that about?," I asked. "Shut up," she replied, "or you'll become an ex husband too."  |
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Since purchasing a Tablet, I have become extremely proficient at navigating porn websites with my nose.
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There was a lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a gipsy and told her her problem.
The gipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a pen1s in it, and said, "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle pen1s my vigina' and it will start having sex with you." So later she tries out the pickle pen1s and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" The woman says, "It's a pickled pen1s." Unfortunately her husband replied. "PICKLE PEN1S MY A$$!!!" |
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Two theoretical physicists are lost at the top of a mountain. Theoretical physicist No 1 pulls out a map and peruses it for a while. Then he turns to theoretical physicist No 2 and says: "Hey, I've figured it out. I know where we are."
"Where are we then?" "Do you see that mountain over there?" "Yes." "Well… THAT'S where we are." |
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If you're ever disappointed with what you receive this Christmas just remember somewhere, someone is unwrapping a Tottenham shirt.
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