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Got any jokes?
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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.” |
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Greens Health and Fitness Club
22nd Oct.2013 To - Mr M K Wrench Membership no.5647 Dear MK This is a friendly reminder to let you know that your gym membership expired last month and you have not taken up our renewal offer. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a discount on your membership renewal of 20% of the normal fee. We look forward to seeing you again soon. All the best, John ______________________________________________________________________________ MK Reply 23rd Oct.2013 To: John Subject: Re: Membership Renewal Dear John Thank you for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership to 20%. I own a calculator but I don't know how to do percentages on it so have estimated that 20% of the normal price of £420.00 will mean my membership will now cost me £84.00. Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a free Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price ? I do have my own leg-warmers and headband. Regards, MK ______________________________________________________________________________ From: John Date: 23rd Oct.2013 To: MK Subject: Re:re: Membership Renewal Due Hello MK I'm sorry but you misunderstood our offer. Our Full year membership fees are, as you correctly say £420.00, but with the 20% discount as an existing member, your renewal membership fee would be only £336.00, thus saving you £84.00 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First, so do not give out those bags. Cheers, John ________________________________________________________________________________ From MK Date: 24th Oct.2013 To: John Subject: Re:re:re: Membership Renewal Due Dear John Do I get free delivery or do I need to collect them ? Regards, MK ________________________________________________________________________________ From: John Date: 24th Oct. 2013 To: MK Subject: RE:re:re:re: Membership Renewal Due Free delivery with what? The £336.00 covers your membership fee renewal. ________________________________________________________________________________ From: MK Date: 26th Oct. 2013 To: John Subject: Re:re:re:re:re: Membership Renewal Due Dear John I am very unhappy that you have mislead me. £336.00 is a lot of money, but I admit to being in desperate need of improving my fitness. My wife often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad, constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to our house. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with the full intention of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may actually have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My natural aversion to exercise, along with the fact that one of your employees, Philip, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', 'push that' etc. dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending your establishment Regards, MK ________________________________________________________________________________ From: John Date: 28th Oct. 2013 To: Mr Wrench Subject: Re:re:re:re:re:re: Membership Renewal Due Dear Mr Wrench Not sure how to really take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Philip is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job, then I suggest you look for another fitness centre to join. Regards John ________________________________________________________________________________ From: MK Date: 29th Oct. 2013 To: John Subject: Re:re:re:re:re:re:re: Membership Renewal Due Dear John Yes, I have noticed that there are many other fitness centers in the area. I assume the growth is due in no small way to the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers and management staff. This means that there is an over supply of these jumped up, but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I remember that we had a boy at school who couldn't talk very well and who used to collect milk bottle tops. He had a cage with a Tampax in that he thought was a little woolly mouse.He used to cal the teacher 'Mummy' and during break we gave him money to dance.Then we'd sell him milk bottle tops to get our money back. I understand that he went on to become a fitness instructor, so I place fitness centers in the same category as those places that provide a community service by employing people with learning difficulties to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex and Lycra on view, obviously. Regards, MK ________________________________________________________________________________ From: John Date: 30th May 2013 To: Mr Wrench Subject: Re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re: Membership Renewal Due This is no longer amusing. You are starting to annoy me. ________________________________________________________________________________ From: MK Date: 1st Nov. 2013 To: John Subject: Re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re: Membership Renewal Due Dear John I am somewhat surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next, insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. Another side effect is a reduction in the size of your penis, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Lycra contains carcinogenic properties, so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny colleagues,it’s probably not worth contributing to a pension. If I woke up one morning and found that my nob was about a quarter of the size it was when I went to bed, I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and books with pictures in,available on the subject, for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Led Zeppelin. The added angst and desire to cut myself works in a similar way, as the warm trickle of blood starts to flow, I find myself at peace. I understand that you fitness freaks usually listen to Pet Shop Boys,Frankie Goes to Hollywood or some other shirt-lifters, so this may be worth a try. Regards, MK ________________________________________________________________________________ From: John Date: 2nd Nov. 2013 To: MK Subject: Re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re: Membership Renewal Due DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN OR THERE WILL BE TROUBLE. ________________________________________________________________________________ From: MK Date: 2nd Nov. 2013 To: John Subject: Re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re: Membership Renewal Due That's OK by me. ________________________________________________________________________________ From: John Date: 3rd Nov. 2013 To: Mr Wrench Subject: Re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re: Membership Renewal Due Is that you agreeing that there may be trouble or you agreeing not to email me again ? ________________________________________________________________________________ From: MK Date: 4th Nov. 2013 To: John Subject: Re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re: Membership Renewal Due Probably ! To be continued ........................... |
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^ On a similar note
http://postimg.org/image/q7i8su5mr/ |
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Young people nowadays moan about having to work long hours for a pittance, but they don't know the half of it.
When I worked on the railways in the early 1940s, I put in 18 hours every day and got paid nothing. And I never complained once. If I had, the Japs would have shot me. |
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I was really worried that my premature ejaculation would wreck my new career as a porn star.
"Christ I'm nervous," I said to the director on the first day of filming. "Don't worry lad, you'll be fine," he said. "Just stick to the script." "I already have," I replied. |
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Last night my wife found me in the pub, threw a pint over my head, and called me a '******* c0ck'.
Every year she has to go and ruin our wedding anniversary. |
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"I'm going to the doctor," says Mary.
"Why, what's wrong?" asks her best friend Sara. "I want to ask him how many calories there really are in sperm." Sara says, "Why worry? If you're swallowing that much, no man is going to care if you're a bit chubby." |
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Emma Watson at the Harry Potter Premier: "Thanks to everyone who came."
No problem, Emma.  |
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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk. But we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you. But first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old-timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was WIND - but I was wrong, too!" |
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A few minutes before the church services started.
The congregation were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, Trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who Sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.. So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?' The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.' 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man. 'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan. 'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone. 'Did you know that I can cause you profound, Horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan. 'Yep,' was the calm reply. 'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan. ' Nope,' said the old man More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?' The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.' |
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My butler is such a d!ck.
He keeps telling me to "move out" and to call him "Dad" |
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I walked up to the desk in the leisure centre and asked where to go for the 'Archery For Beginners' class.
"Just follow the arrows on the floor." he told me.  |
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Sean Connery has always said he would leave The Bahamas and return to his homeland of Scotland, if it ever gained independence.
He must be bricking himself. |
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50,000 rangers fans meet at ibrox for a 'sevco Are Not Stupid' convention.
walter smith addresses the crowd 'We are all here today to prove to the world that sevconians are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?' Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. smith asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?' After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, 'Eighteen!' Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the sevconians start chanting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!' smith says 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he asks 'What is 5 plus 5?' After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, 'Ninety?' smith looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying. But then the 50,000 sevconians begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!' smith, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'What is 2 plus 2? 'Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?' Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the sevco crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream. 'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!' |
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Nigella Lawson has been inconsolable since her divorce from Charles Saatchi.Her friends say she is often shouting out Charlie,Charlie,where's my feckin Charlie!
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Fella goes for a pi$$ in the only public toilet left in the town. He gets talking to old Charlie who has looked after the toilet for the past thirty years. The fella said to Charlie," you must have noticed a lot of changes over the years". Charlie said " yes, it used to be a great job but now it's mostly full of smackheads, prostitutes and homosexuals. Needles, condoms and silver paper everywhere."
Charlie Said " a bloke came in here last week for a $hit - it was like a breath of fresh air". |
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I thought the other day I would give my post lady a surprise.
So I stuck my kn0b through the letterbox. I don't know what surprised her the most ,my knob through the letterbox or that I knew where she lived. |
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Two Alcoholics adrift in the ocean in a rowing boat , after a couple of days one of them reaches down and finds a lamp , rubbing it , a GENIE pops up and says , i'll grant you one wish and one wish only then i'm off , o.k. says yourman , can you turn this ocean into guinness , whoosh , and the ocean turns to guinness , the other lad looks at his mate and says , theres only one downside to this ,whats that says paddy , yer man says , WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO PISS IN THE BOAT.....
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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party.
The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!" |
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So Charles Saatchi was married to a woman who could be a chef in the kitchen, a tart in the boudoir, and who had access to Class-A drugs?
And he divorced her? No wonder his ******* advertising agency went out of business. |
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I got into an embarrassing situation at a swingers' party last night. I snuck up behind an older lady, started ******* her from behind then looked up and suddenly realised that the guy at the other end of the spitroast, getting a bl0wj0b, was my dad.
I said, "After 30 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum." He said, "I'm not." |
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After 17 job interviews, and still no job,
I'm beginning to think wearing my lucky track suit isn't so lucky. |
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What's Jackie Chans favourite drink?
Water (More of a visual joke. Imagine a Chinese man chopping a piece of wood shrieking "Wa Taaaaa") |
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The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an
audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Holiness, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there're no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting...... "Dopey sh@gged a penguin!" "Dopey sh@gged a penguin!" |
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Well... Opened the 3rd door of my advent calendar this morning - wasn't expecting Tom Daley to come out!!
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You have to admire Tom Daley,he would have known there would be some negative responses but he still bravely agreed to do a 2nd series of Splash!!
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Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed on it. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business. |
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Tambhoy
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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of b00bs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of b00bs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "w1ll1es" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his w1lly is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration." |
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Thousands of people gathering outside
Nelson Mandela House have just been told to **** off by Del and Rodney. |
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SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS
Manchester United have given Wigan permission to talk to David Moyes.......... They haven't told Moyes yet !! |
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A student asked his professor,"What's the definition of a dilemma".
The professor said "Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that". "Imagine that you're lying on a big bet with a beautiful aroused naked young woman on one side and an excited gay man on the other". "Who are you going to turn your back on?" |
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An English cat, named One Two Three and a French cat, named Un Deux Trois, decided to have a swimming race across the Channel. The English cat won because Un Deux Trois cat sank.
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