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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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I made my girlfriends dreams come true and married her in a castle. You wouldn’t have thought it though from the miserable look on her face as we were bouncing around!
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After having sex with Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are 2 things you all need to know. She really is as sexy as hell, secondly the staff at Madam Tussauds are miserable bastards with no sense of humour!!
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Took the other half to a Disco last night. There was a bloke on the dance floor giving it large, breakdancing, backflips, moonwalking the works. Other half says " That guy proposed to me 20 years ago and I turned him down" I replied " looks like he is still celebrating"
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The Queens Royal Corgis are delighted to see Prince Phillip back at The Palace as they will no longer be blamed for peeing on the sofa!
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Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him
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I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69
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Warning about online buying.
Be careful what you buy online. Check the seller out carefully. I just spent £45 on a peenis enlarger. The b@rst@rds sent me a magnifying glass. The one instruction was Don't use in sunlight.  |
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"So you're able to carry shopping to a customers car free of charge?" I asked the guy in Tesco this morning.
"Yes." he replied. I said, "Can you carry mine for me?" He said, "Sure." As we walked across the entire distance of the car park, I suddenly stopped beside my motor and said, "I could've carried it myself but I'm a lazy bst@rd." "I gathered that." he replied, "Here's your KitKat." |
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Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.
Is that a trick question?? |
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kitkat
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Why did God create women?
Because hopes and dreams don't crush themselves. |
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Ways to tell a woman's mad at you.
1.She's silent 2.She's yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you |
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They can also be "enraged clairvoyants"
I KNOW WHAT YOUR GOING TO DO! |
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A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas." |
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mange 14 Dec 13 11:20
They can also be "enraged clairvoyants" I KNOW WHAT YOUR GOING TO DO! YOUR GOING TO LEAVE ME LOOK LOVE,JUST PUT THAT FOOKIN HAMMER DOWN,I'M JUST HAVIN A BET |
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Brilliant thread bigmo by the way
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Cheers Greg.
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My dad found out I had an imaginary girlfriend.
He said, "You know you could do better." "Thanks dad, that means a lot.", I replied "I was talking to your girlfriend." |
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Day at the Races.
A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a Sydney casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed. The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Randwick that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock. In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths. In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front. In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her crotch. He backed nothing. After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4. 'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune? 'Sh*t', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched!' |
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I was in the pub toilet when the police carroied out a drug raid. A copper burst in and looked at me suspiciously.
'Something strange is going on.' I said 'every time I try to flush my stash down the toilet, it somehow appears in my back pocket again.' The copper looked at me as though I was mad. I said 'If you don't believe me, try it for yourself' and handed him a small pack of charlie. He threw it into the toilet and flushed it. 'Okay, stupid, turn out your pockets.' he said. 'What are you looking for?' I asked 'The drugs in your back pocket.' he said I said 'Drugs! What drugs?' |
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"taxi"
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BT have announced that they are to start blocking access to porn using a new internet filter.
Replacing the current method of offering hopeless download speeds. |
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My wife's locked herself in the kitchen in a rage, after a massive argument over how miserable and tight I've become since we've been married.
She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half. |
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I went into my local library and asked, "Have you got a book called 'How to win your divorce case' please?"
"Yes, sir," the librarian replied, "the woman's version is under Non-Fiction, and the men's is under Fiction, Humour." |
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Had to visit a psychiatrist, yesterday.. I said it's not about me, my son thinks he's an orange... Psychiatrist said, 'well, you'd better bring him in to see me, then'.
I said 'he's here in my pocket' |
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I pulled a right minger at the office Christmas party this year.
I work from home. |
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A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly hurt
in a car crash. a few years later they go through a bitter divorce & he demands his blood back! So she throws a tampon in his face & says "there you go you miserable git, i'll pay you back monthly" And the moral of this story is - Even if a woman eventually pays back what she owes a man, there'll ALWAYS be strings attached!! |
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My Wife rung me to tell me she was in Casualty, well i watches two episodes on BBC I Player, couldnt see her, she's not come home and ive had no dinner ffs
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zilzal
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Jokes about German Sausages are the wurst
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This is worth a look
. http://i39.tinypic.com/2m4d4sg.jpg |
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My new French girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex.
She says it makes her armpits sore for days. |
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My wife was holding our twin baby boys.
"Ouch!" she said. "He's pinching my chin" "Which one?" I asked. "Jack" It's weird that she's got names for her chins. |