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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.
After a while, my mum said, "Just use a spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi." |
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I just ended a long-term relationship today.
I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine. |
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My wife was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
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A boob, a vagina and an **** are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them!
Boob - "I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!" Vagina - "That's nothing, I give birth to new born and can accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!" Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak |
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A r s e
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Attention all Dog Walkers : Avoid being mugged by keeping all your valuables in a small black plastic bag.
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Slippy
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10 reasons why men are lazy:
1) |
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I was in Tesco and saw a guy off Crimewatch who is wanted for several rapes. I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious. The police arrived and arrested me.
Apparently they use actors on the show. |
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As I stood swaying from side to side at the British Airways ticket desk last night, the guy looked at me and said, "Can I help?"
"Yes," I slurred, unzipping my superman costume and pulling my wallet out, "One ticket to Amsterdam please." "You're unable to fly, sir." he replied, "You're far too drunk." I said, "I know mate, that's why I'm getting a plane." |
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Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party.
That's when I realised he was the favourite twin. |
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We call our grandad "Spiderman".
He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath. |
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Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens.
Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted. |
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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! Why don't sheep shrink after it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? |
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They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends.
I hope it's Michael - he's super cute. |
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Barack Obama - The first black man that has ever had to convince the world he did do the killing.
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Me and the wife stopped at the services recently for some breakfast. We got two fry ups, two coffees and two jam doughnuts. I got to the cashier and I said, "I'm sorry, love, but I only have a £50 note."
"That's okay," she said, "just put the doughnuts back." |
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"F*cking kids are expensive," I said.
"Is," replied my lawyer. |
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I had my eyes tested today.
Afterwards, the doctor said, "Your eyes are in perfect condition." "Really?" I replied, pulling out a picture of my wife. "Then how do you explain this?" |
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Just saw an interview from the Philippines on Sky, the lady said the water is still up to her boll0cks
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I explained to the doctor, "Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really bad headache."
"It's a migraine," he explained. "No, it's not, it's mine - and why the **** have you started speaking Italian?" |
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Statistically... 9 out of 10 dyslexics enjoy a 'pear'.
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It took a lot of b@lls for me to go on the Channel 4 show ''Embarrassing Bodies''.
Three actually. |
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the philippino government has thanked britain for sending over the rescue dogs after the hurricane.
they said they were delicious |
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Mick Hucknall has been arrested for having sex with a rabbit.
Police sources say he was holding back the ears. |
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I told the mrs I'm going to make a car out of spaghetti -she just laughed at me.
She soon shut up when I drove pasta. |
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Google and Microsoft have agreed to government proposals to block searches using phrases associated with child pornography.
Although both companies expressed surprise when they learnt that paedophiles frequently use code words like "MPs expenses" and "government sleaze". |
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I got out of the shower and my wife said, "Ooo look, it's like a peenis... only smaller."
I said, "Ooo look, it's like my secretary... only fatter and less flexible." |
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The gorgeous woman from next door popped round today and said,"Hello handsome, are you free tonight?"
I said, "Er... wow... yes, yes I am." She said, "Brilliant, can you watch my daughter while I go out?" Ah well, when one door closes, another one opens. |
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I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when he and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.
"Drink it," they said, giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the b@st@rds were trying to pull. Fosters. |
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Scare some people at your local theme park by bringing nuts and bolts with you and then showing them to the person next to you when the ride has begun.
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The Mayor of Toronto.
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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to his local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father... during World War II a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door & asked me to hide her from the Nazis, so I hid her in my attic." The priest replied "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father...she started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said "That was along time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you , Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that ?" asked the Priest "Should I tell her the war is over ?" |
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My girlfriend has got a massive case of diarrhoea.
She won't find out until she unpacks her luggage. That'll teach her for ******* off to Magaluf on a hen night against my will. |
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I was recently turned down on my application for an Australian green card, on account of my criminal record.
Bit ******* ironic is it not? |
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Don't you love the tan lines that girls get after sunbathing? It's almost like god came down and highlighted all the important parts.
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Bigmo
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Four jockeys are on their way home from the Grand National when the Ford Focus they are travelling in is hit by a lorry. The car bursts in flames and they all die.
One of the jockey's trainers is informed that his jockey has been killed and he needs to go down to the morgue to try and identify him - he is warned that all four jockeys are very badly burnt and hardly rocognisable. Inside the morgue, they pull back the sheet on the first body. "No, thats not him," said the trainer. They pull back the sheet on the second. "Nope, thats not him." The third. "No, that aint him either." After pulling back the sheet on the fourth and final body, the trainer says "yep, that's the bastard." The mortician said, "that's amazing: these bodys are burnt to a ****g crisp, and yet you have identified your jockey just like that, how?" And the trainer said, "he has been my jockey for 3 years.....and he's never in the first three." |
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