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These 14654 comments are related to the topic:
Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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Just as the porn video finishes loading, a message appears at the corner of my screen:
"Battery low - 5 mins remaining" Game on. |
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I have a dream: a dream that, one day, chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.
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Got the mrs a pug dog as a present the other day, despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes, rolls of fat and being ugly as fcuk............ The dog seems to like her..
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I was sat on the edge of my bed last night pulling my boxers off when my missus remarked "you spoil those dogs"
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^^
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Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler.
So the neighbours think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting "Give it to me!" |
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My wife told me she bought a rape alarm the other day...
I said, "Don't flatter yourself." |
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A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex.
Well actually it's more like 100% of grooms. |
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The missus came home steaming drunk last night.
"You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink. "Not really," I replied. "Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want." Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror... As I shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs. |
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What's the most sensitive part of your body when you're having a w@nk?
Your ears. |
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Can't wait for the Olympics. I hear that there's a female weightlifter who has an amazing snatch.
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I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"
My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well." As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "d!ckhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!   |
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a lot of jokes about your wife, bigmo
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miss soginist
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cdog
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My girlfriend has just been out and bought a dominatrix outfit.
Also known as a wedding dress. |
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There's been a lot of changes in the past year, so the wife and I started going to marriage counselling.
"Look at you, sitting there in your short skirt, high heels and your fake b00bs, it's disgusting." "I am what I am," I replied. |
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BBC News: "Storm blows man under taxi"
Professor X is seriously considering her place in the X-Men. |
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"Please don't make me daddy. I don't like it!" My son whined, trying to wriggle free, "It smells of pea and tastes disgusting."
"That's a horrible thing to say!" I scolded, "Now stop being so silly and go and give your Nana a kiss." |
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Why does John Leslie cry after sex?
That's what mace does to you. |
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I texted my wife a picture of my flaccid p*nis.
I wanted to let her know I was thinking about her. |
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Just watched the WKD advert, where the bloke walks in to the toilet to have a sh!t whilst his wife's taking a relaxing bath.
After laughing at it, my wife turns to me and says, "I bet you a man made this!" Course a man made it - it's an advert, not a Sunday roast. |
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I choked on a gobstopper once, and came up with a name for a Welsh village.
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The year is 2013. There are machines which can look through skin and see bones. There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit. However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my b@ckside and wriggles it about a bit.
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You know you're getting old when:
I was watching Babe Station. There was this gorgeous girl in a skimpy little French maid's outfit, pushing a vac around, bending over provocatively. And as her little skirt rode up, exposing her lovely little bottom with the little strip of black material covering her ******, all I could think was: "We used to have a Hoover like that one." |
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bigmo 04 Nov 13 12:53
The year is 2013. There are machines which can look through skin and see bones. There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit. However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my b@ckside and wriggles it about a bit. |
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"Have you not got a girlfriend?"
"No dad." "Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend? "No dad, not at all." "Are you gay? "No dad, and will you please f*** off with your lesbian fantasies." |
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I'm not convinced that faith can move mountains, but I've seen what it can do to skyscrapers.
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Don't you just hate it when people think there clever but use the wrong grammar?
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Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep on the sofa....
Must have drunk her bl00dy drink by mistake |
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My wife called me an annoying ***** the other day.
I almost choked on my vuvuzela. |
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Lady Gaga has announced that she is to be dropping Facebook for charity.
She should also think about dropping her knickers, for clarity. |
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My Chinese neighbour told me he'd just opened a "Crows shop".
I said, "Don't you mean a clothes shop?" He said, "A Crows shop!" I said, "OK, I might pop down for a Rook." |
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The History Channel +1.
Where History repeats itself. |
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And then God created Saturn... And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
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Following India announcing it intends to send a rocket to Mars, NASA said it feared for the safety of the 500 astronauts who will be sitting on the roof of the craft during take-off.
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I coughed up a bit of phlegm and sneezed at the same time.
Then a scouser appeared and said "Not bad mate, how are you?" |
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Watching the Women's World Cup reminded me of when I was first learning the controls to FIFA.
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I was having sex with my wife last night when she suddenly yelled, "Dave! Get your **** out of my ****!"
"Just relax." I said, "You might like it." "Relax?" she screamed, "What the **** is Dave doing here?" |
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Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer?
Max Factor should make condoms. |