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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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I SAID TO THIS FELLA WHYS YOUR DOG WEARING BROWN BOOTS CAUSE HIS BLACK UNS ARE BEING MENDED
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THIS FELLA WAS WLKING HIS DOG I SAID WHERE YOU TAKING IT HE SAID IM TAKING IT TO BE PUT DOWN I SAID WHY IS IT MAD ...HE SAID HE AINT TOO FKIN PLEASED
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i used to know a dental nurse who like giving ****s while smoking a joint.we used to call her oral high jean.
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b l o w j o b s
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r o o t c a n a l s
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Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman get on a plane bound for Brazil...
......oh no hang on a minute. It was just the Englishman. |
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and englishman very quickly coming back from brazil.
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she was only a butcher's daughter but she loved a bit of pork in cider
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my missus doesn't like turkey for Christmas
she always prefers pork in cider |
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oh Badger- you beat me to it!
ok - you will pay for that: A tourist was walking through a cemetery in Vienna and all of a sudden he heard music. No one was around, so he started searching for the source. He finally located the origin and found it was coming from a grave with a headstone that read: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827". Then he realized that the music was Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it was being played backwards ! Puzzled, he left the graveyard and persuaded a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music had changed. This time it was the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it was being played backwards. Curious, the men agreed to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony was playing and again, backwards. The expert noticed that the symphonies were being played in the reverse order in which they were written, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word had spread, and a crowd gathered around the grave. They were all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards, just then the graveyard caretaker ambled up to the group. Someone in the group asked him if he has an explanation for the music. "I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker said, . . . . . . . "He's decomposing." |
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A ageing man goes to his doctor and says,
“I need a prescription of the strongest Viagra available, because I’ve got two young nymphomaniacs staying at my house for the weekend!” The doc dutifully prescribes the blue stuff. Later that week, the old bloke goes back to the doctor and asks, “Can you give me some strong painkillers please?” “What’s the problem?” asks the doctor, ‘Is your c*** in that much pain from all the w***?” “No”, whimpers the man, “It’s for my wrists – the girls never showed up!” |
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Yo Momma is so fat, when someone said it's chilly out, she ran inside for a bowl.
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I was in the restaurant when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. I noticed that everybody was staring at me.... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. |
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 the decomposing one |
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Today, I learned that all of the anonymous Valentines gifts I received throughout high school were sent out of pity by my sister.
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Dad shouts ....."STOP WATCHIN P*RN....I CAN HEAR IT IN MY ROOM!"
Son: Dad...I am NOT watching p*rn..... That is Maria Sharapova playing Tennis!!! |
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Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.
She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year. |
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I've no objection to people being spontaneous, I just think there is a time and a place for it.
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A young pakistani female woke up battered and bruised on a tip in a wheelie bin, police believe it was a family honour chrime. Father Chinda, mother Bhinda, and brother Dumpta will all appear at Birmingham criminal court on monday.
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My wife hosted a dinner party for both sides of our entire family and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well.
During dinner, my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me. I finally asked her, "Why are you staring at me?" Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet waiting for her response. My little niece said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish." |
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bigmo 19 Oct 13 15:48
A young pakistani female woke up battered and bruised on a tip in a wheelie bin, police believe it was a family honour chrime. Father Chinda, mother Bhinda, and brother Dumpta will all appear at Birmingham criminal court on monday |
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"I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
in the top ten, that one |
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As my wife approached orgasm, I said:
"I can't hold it much longer." "That's ok love, just do it" she whispered, "it'll turn me on even more." It didn't though, I'd had sprouts for dinner and it really stunk. |
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Anelka “My Arsenal career was going from strength to strength until I crossed Vieira”
Nicolas Anelka has the football world on tenter hooks with the imminent release of his audacious autobiography ‘It’s not me. It’s everyone else.’ Which critics are are already labelling ’shocking’ and ‘compelling.’ The book, which details Anelka’s rise from Parisian street urchin to World Cup winner certainly pulls no punches, firing broadsides at former team mates from Real Madrid, Arsenal, Manchester City, Paris St German, Liverpool and Galatasary. “I wasn’t accepted anywhere I went.” Says Anelka with heart breaking honesty. In it Anelka exposes the bullying tactics employed by multi national clubs world wide and holds a mirror to the ugly face of football. Some critics have even labelled it the sports equivilent to Nelson Mandela’s ‘Long Walk to Freedom.’ However none of the targets suffer the wrath of Anelka as much as former team mate Patrick Vieira, whom Anelka describes as a ‘world class git.’ In excerpts to be serialised in the Guardian Anelka reveals: “My career at Arsenal was going from strength to strength until the day I crossed Vieira, who was better known in the Arsenal dressing room as ‘Le Long.’ I was playing against Fulham at Highbury and I remember receiving a ball from Bergkamp, then rounding the keeper with ease and, with the goal wide open, somehow managing to screw the ball wide at the last minute. It only happened because the sun was in my eyes. It wasn’t my fault! Anyway Vieira gave me a glare and I knew I was in trouble, afterwards in the showers he tore into me and I just snapped, I knew I shouldn’t have, but I called him a ‘lanky limbed boombaclart.’ At first he just stared at me with his hollow eyes. Then…..WHAM! Just like that he slapped me across the face with his peenis. Just once. But it knocked me back a few steps. It was like being struck by a wet kipper. No one could believe what they saw! Can you imagine how embarrassing it is to be smacked across the face with a 14? pork sword in front of your team mates? It was the worst moment of my life. No one said anything for what seemed like an eternity, the silence was only broken when Ashley Cole asked “Is it my turn?” It was then I knew I had to leave. When Wenger found out what he’d done he merely high fived him and shouted “And that’s why he’s the captain. POW! Look at that thing!” Anelka’s book reveals how he only regained his confidence eventually playing alongside Paul Dickov at Manchester City. “He could fit it in a polo.” Anelka reveals. However not all are sympathatic to Anelka’s plight. Diagne N’dour, Vieira’s life long agent and business partner, described Anelka’s book as a ‘disgrace.’ N’dour wrote on his website that, if anything, Anelka should be privileged that he was allowed to touch Vieira’s chopper: “In our country it is a great honour to be shown, let alone come into contact with Patrick Vieira’s porridge chucker. Instead of painting my client as a tyrant Mr Anelka should be apologising for sullying my clients penis with his miserable, miserable face.” Patrick Vieira is yet to comment on these accusations. Nicolas Anelka’s book “It’s not me. It’s everyone else” is on sale August 29th from Penguin. |
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Wenger slams Nicolas Anelka’s autobiography
Arsene Wenger took time out of his busy pre match schedule to address the hyperbole surrounding the imminent release of Nicolas Anelka’s new autobiography “It’s not me. It’s everyone else.” As reported earlier this week the Guardian have serialised excerpts of the book where Anelka claims he was hounded out of Arsenal by the bully boy tactics of Patrick Vieira and that he was assaulted in the Arsenal dressing room. An accusation which Wenger was keen to down play. “There are elements of truth to the story,” stated Wenger, holding his hands up, “I’ll be straight with you, Vieira’s meat cleaver is pretty big. Huge in fact. I doubt a giraffe could deep throat him. I don’t think I can exaggerate it enough to be honest.” So is there any merit to the accusation that Vieira hit Anelka with it after the Fulham game? “Well that thing had a life of it’s own,” said the Professor, shifting uneasily in his seat, “I mean, people don’t appreciate what a burden it was for the poor guy, we had to put a sign up in the showers saying Vieira couldn’t walk around naked. Which was pretty hard to enforce but was necessary. If something caught his attention he could turn suddenly and WHACK he’d clock something with it, break some furnishings or knock a dwarf out. That sort of thing. Overmars was out for two weeks once with a dead leg like that. We had to tell the press he did it in training. It was a nightmare.” So did Vieira intentionally strike Anelka? Or was Arsene evading the question to protect his former captain? “Well let’s put it like this. I think if he intentionally struck Anelka round the face with it, and really followed through, then he wouldn’t be around to write an autobiography. If you catch my drift. Unless he wrote it in a Stephen Hawkins, one button at a time with his nose, sort of way. So yeah it was an accident and Anelka should grow up. And that’s the last I’m saying on Penis Gate.” Nicolas Anelka’s book “It’s not me. It’s everyone else” is on sale August 29th from Penguin. |
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drink like a fish joke brilliant Bigmo.
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I have a friend on Facebook whose status says "Suicidal - Standing on the edge of a cliff".
So I poked him... |
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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
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Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.
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"Sir do you mind steppin' outta the car and doin' a breath test."
"Look, you've had two pints, you're over the limit, that's a twelve month ban and a criminal record." "Ey, it's company policy. I've got to let you go." "I know there's only twenty thousand on the clock, but that's my final offer." "Oh that's just great, Matt! No license, no job... now what?" "So, what's it gonna be?" "Stella please, mate." |
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So what if Jesus turned water into wine...I turned a whole student loan into Vodka once. Your move Jesus...
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My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...
She was attacked by a giant crab. |
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Disabled toilets.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in. |
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My wife said that I am going through a really immature period and that, if I don't grow up, it's going to erect a barrier between us.
I replied, "Hee-hee... period... erect..." |
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I got stopped by a woman in the street today.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, have you had an accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault?" I said, "Yes, she's nearly 2 now." |
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last one
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ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
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I must be so lucky, all the beautiful girls that message me when I sign into a free porn site are from my home town. What are the odds?
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