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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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If electricity always follows the path of least resistance, why doesn't lightning only strike in France?
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I went to the book store earlier to buy a 'Where's Wally' book. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere.
Well played Wally, well played. My ex-girlfriend used to hate how I acted around my mates. Happy. |
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THE IRISHMANS WIFE WHO WENT INTO LABOUR HE PHONED THE AMBULACE AND THE PARAMEDIC SAID ...IS THIS THE FIRST BABY? AND HE SAID NO ITS HER HUSBAND
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THE PADDY WHO BOUGHT A CAR IT SAID £300 O.N.O HE GOT IT FOR 350
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WHY DO THEY PUT A SELL BY DATE ON SOUR CREAM
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TWO FELLAS EATING SANDWICHES ,THE BARMAN SAID LADS YOU CANT EAT YA OWN FOOD IN HERE ......SO THEY SWAPPED
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TWO PADDYS IN A PUB ON THE JUKEBOX A SONG CAME ON PADDY SAID TO MICK ...THATS NAT KING COLE ,MICK SAID WHO IS IT THEN?
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PADDY CAME HOME WITH VIDEO RECORDER IS WIFE SAID ITS WONDERFULL WHERE DID YOU GET THE MONEY FOR THIS HE SAID I SOLD THE TELEVISION SET
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KNOCK ON THE DOOR A COPPER SIAD MICK ON YA WAY BACK FROM THE PUB DID YOU SAVE A MAN FROM DROWNING MICK SAID ..I DID ...THE COPPER SIAD IVE GOT BAD NEWS FOR YA .......HE HUNG HIMSELF
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THE PADDY WHO FELL ASLEEP WITH HIS HEAD UNDER THE PILLOW AND THE FAIRIES TOOK ALL HIS TEETH OUT
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PADDY GOES INTO THE FISH AND CHIP SHOP HE SAYS FISH AN CHIPS TWICE ,,,THE FELLA SAID I HEARD YA THE FIRST TIME
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THE PADDY GES INTO THE CAKE SHOP HE SAYS TO THE GIRL ARE THEY FRESH CREAM CAKES IN THE WINDOW SHE SAYS OHHH THERE AS FRESH AS YOUR GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS PADDY SAYS HOW MUCH IS THE MEAT PIES, SHE SAYS THERE A POUND FOR TWO HE SAYS HOW MUCH FOR ONE SHE SAYS 75P HE SAYS ILL HAVE THE OTHER ONE
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I went on a date this evening.
I said, "So, are you a vampire?" "No," she said, with a puzzled look on her face. I said, "So you can see your reflection and you still come out looking like that?" |
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I took a bird back to my house for sex last night.
Twenty seconds into it my c*ck went floppy. She looked at me and said, "You can do better than this, surely?" "Of course I can" I said, "But you shouldn't put yourself down like that." |
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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist." |
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A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him. The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman." |
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1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. 2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up." 3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. 4. THE GETAWAY A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. 5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" 6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!" 7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. hellllllooooooo! is anybody home?) 8. THE GRAND FINALE Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there, could in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer. |
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The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?" The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!" The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?" The young man says, "I chop wood!" "Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?" "I chop wood!" "Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!" "Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!" "Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!" The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!" |
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My boss told me off today because I'm always turning things into a joke.
"So have I made myself clear?" He said. "No I can still see you." I replied. |
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@ johnnywilkinson
Dusty Young, the best ever at telling Irish jokes  |
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One of Dusty Young's
Paddy and Mary were discussing the possibility of having another baby. They had 3 daughters, and Paddy would like a son. Mary said 'I don't want another baby, I heard every 4th child born is Chinese, and I don't fancy cooking rice for one!' |
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I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box. |
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Who will take the second shot in this snooker game?
Find out after the break. |
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The sound of my wife gasping for breath in her hospital bed still haunts me to this day.
Maybe I should change my ringtone. |
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Two Irishmen flew to NZ on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the bush for a week hunting deer ...
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 deer. The two lads objected strongly. “Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.” Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the deer bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, “Any idea where we are?” Mick replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year. |
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My mate just asked me, "If you were stuck on a desert island, and you could have 3 records, what would they be?"
I said, "The long distance swimming one would be good!" |
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A guy is driving around the back streets of Chippenham.
He sees a sign in front of an unkempt terraced house: 'Talking Dog For Sale', so he rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the garden. The guy goes into the back garden and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Secret Service. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten quid,' the guy says. 'Ten quid? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so heap?' 'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the garden' |
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Honestly can't remember if I've posted this one but it's a cracker.
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello." "Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a Helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME." |
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brilliant last 3 bigmo
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Labrador
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Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him
questioningly." That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone .I have a microchip in my hand." The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his B@ckside. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Irishman glanced around behind him and said ... "B-Jeeesus, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax!!!! |
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The wife was having a go at me. "Life's just one big joke to you, isn't it."
"I don't know what you mean. Sit down, luv, and let's talk about it." That's when I pulled her chair away. |
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^ that was for the fax joke
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A major hurricane is about to hit India, so if anyone needs to call their bank or cable/internet company, do it soon.
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I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at ASDA and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 3 stones before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. |
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Doctors have found a cure for Dyslexia.
That's music to my @rse. |
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I was in the boozer the other day telling the lads that old joke "what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath"?
"Throw your washing in" I said when someone came over and said "listen mate i don't find that joke funny at all, my brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath having a fit", "I said sorry mate did he drown" and he said "no he choked on a sock". |
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Why should you never buy Ukrainian underwear?
Because Chernobyl fall out. |