Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them whilst driving.

Just had a parcel from Holland, when I opened it, it was a rubber f@nny.
That's nice I thought, 'two lips from Amsterdam' !

xxxxxxxxxx

A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.
I find that l!cking her n!pples and a light gentle f!ngering usually does the trick.

xxxxxxxxxx

My girlfriend says that a small pen!s wont affect our relationship.
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all !

xxxxxxxxxx

A woman is walking down the street and see's a sign in the pet shop window reading, "F*NNY LICKING FROG £25"
Curious the woman proceeds inside and says to the shop keeper, "I'd like to see the fanny licking frog please."
To which the shop keeper replies, "Bonjour !"

xxxxxxxxxx

Everyone's a comedian nowadays.Even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney couldn't avoid a gag !
When he radioed dispatch he said..... "It's Houston, we have a problem !"

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule. He tried to plough a lot.

One day, when he was out ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.

Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.

When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

I took two stuffed dogs i had onto the Antiques Roadshow ....

"Ooh", said the presenter,"This is a very rare breed,do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were in good condition?" ....

"Sticks by any chance" I replied.

some crackers there bigmo

Cant stop giggling at that one bigmo

Cheers everyone.



4 university students moved into a flat with 2 bedrooms.

Their names were Kevin, Paul, Jordan, and Kyle.

The first 3 quickly found out Kyle had a terrible snoring problem.

Nobody wanted to room with him, so they agreed to take turns.

The first night was Kevin's turn. The next morning, Kevin walks out into the living room, with glazed eyes and a zombie like shuffle. Paul and Jordan ask "what happened?" Kevin says "Well he was snoring so loud that I couldn't fall asleep at all, so I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night, Paul rooms with Kyle. The next morning, his eyes are bloodshot and his hair is a wild mess. He says "Kyle was snoring so loud last night, that same as Kevin, instead of sleeping I to, sat up and stared at him all night."

Night 3 is Jordan's turn. Jordan is a part-time night club bouncer weighing about 19 stones. The next morning, he walks into the living room with bright eyes and a spring in his step.

Paul and Kevin, obviously surprised, ask him how the last night went.

Jordan says "Well before I went to sleep I tucked Kyle in and kissed him goodnight, and instead of sleeping he sat up and watched me all night.

COLIN THE ABORIGINE

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell…

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’

Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said, ‘I want the b@$!@rd who pushed me in.’

Just bought a book about Sir Alex Ferguson's face.

50 shades of red.

Australia is constantly advertising for 'skilled migrants'.

How much more skilled could you be than an Indonesian who manages to navigate a tin bath three thousand miles?

Damn! I missed that programme the other night about the history of Tomato Sauce. I wonder if I can watch it on Ketchup TV?

Paddy was touring the USA and came across the large rodeo which was attended by thousands. The rodeo announcer was recruiting riders to mount a wild looking horse. "$5,000 dollars for anybody who can spend 5 minutes on this horse." Paddy watched for a while as man after man tried to ride the horse. The horse was a total nutcase and was depositing everybody on the ground within a minute.

Eventually Paddy goes up to the announcer and says: "I'll have a go." Paddy gets on the horse and it goes crazy, jumping and bucking like a lunatic. The minutes tick by and Paddy is clinging on despite the horse's best efforts. The five minutes go by and still Paddy is on and the horse continues to go berserk until finally after 15 minutes the horse is knackered and gives up.

Paddy slides off and goes up to the announcer to collect his 5,000 dollars. "Well done, Paddy" the announcer says, "we have never had anybody before able to stay on that horse. I should have known that an Irishman, with your fine tradition with the thoroughbred, would be the man to conquer this horse." "Aw Jaysus" says Paddy, "I've never been on a horse in my life before." "You've never been on a horse before!" says the announcer. "Where did you learn to ride like that?" "The wife's an epileptic." says Paddy.

She was only a Postman's daughter, but she loved some male in her box.

She was only a Florist’s daughter, but she had the best tulips in town

She was only a vicar's daughter, but she loved being taken up the aisle

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”

Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

What do you call a Lion with no eyes? A Lon.

A man goes into a chemist and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

My wife just said to me"Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago & it still fits me"

i said "it's a f***ing scarf".

THE JUDGE SAID TO THE FELLA WEVE FOUND YOU INNOCENT OF THE CAR THEFT HE SAID DOES THAT MEAN I CAN KEEP IT THEN