A policeman knocked on my door in the early hours.
"Oh my God, what is it? My daughter is late home. Oh God, no. Please, no."
He said, "I'm sorry sir, there's been a terrible accident."
Sobbing, I asked, "What is it?"
"We've knocked on the wrong door."

I agree with foinavon

'Tis still a great joke though Bigmo, made me chuckle.

A penguin takes his car to the shop because he can't figure out what's wrong with it. The mechanic says it'll probably take a half of an hour to diagnose it. The penguin goes around the block to get a couple scoops of vanilla ice cream to pass the time. He comes back to the shop and the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal," and the penguin says "No, it's just ice cream!"

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Two deer walk out of a gay bar, one turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew twenty bucks in there..."

I've just put this up on another thread.

A classic from Yes Prime minster.

Sir Humphrey: The only way to understand the Press is to remember that they pander to their readers' prejudices.

Jim Hacker: Don't tell me about the Press. I know *exactly* who reads the papers. The Daily Mirror is read by the people who think they run the country. The Guardian is read by people who think they *ought* to run the country. The Times is read by the people who actually *do* run the country. The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country. The Financial Times is read by people who *own* the country. The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by *another* country. The Daily Telegraph is read by the people who think it is.

Sir Humphrey: Prime Minister, what about the people who read The Sun?

Bernard Woolley: Sun readers don't care *who* runs the country - as long as she's got big tits.

The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?”
Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.

When I was in the pub last night I overheard a couple of idiots saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman!

What a pair of sexist ****s. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing

My wife was sipping on a glass of wine, whilst sitting on the patio with me.

Then she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."

Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me............talking to the wine."

A prostitute Told Me I Could Have Sex With Her For The Reduced Price Of £10 As She Didn't Have A Womb.
I Asked How We Would Do It And She Said 'Acwoss The Woad Against The Wailings'!

She replies, "It's me............talking to the wine."

thank god for a return to quality 

I met an old friend last week, not seen him for 20 years. 

‘How’s the wife?‘ I asked

‘Died of cancer 12 years ago.’ he answered.

‘Sorry to hear that. How are your daughters then?’ I asked

He said ‘The oldest ones got two kids by a greville who facked off years ago. The youngest is a heroin addict.’

‘Facking ‘ell, and your son?' I asked tentatively.

‘In prison in Mexico. Drug smuggling, got 10 years.’

I tried somebody else, surely it can’t all be bad news. ‘Your brother?’

‘Shot dead in a drive-by, mistaken identity.’ he said

‘For facks sake.’ I said ‘Still, at least you’re okay, still driving that taxi?’

He shook his head ‘No, it caught fire when I wasn’t insured.’

‘What do you do for  a living now then ?’  I asked

He said ‘I  sell lucky charms down the market.’

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now.




Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss.




An telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx

I was invited to an afternoon MPs dinner and dance. Unfortunately, when I arrived I found that I had no cash, so I crossed the road to a bank and went inside.

MPs and the public were mixed in the queues and were chatting to each other when a man burst through the doors, ran up to till number one and told the cashier 'Fill this bag up with notes and don't say a facking word.'

He turned to the crowd and shouted 'You lot, look at the facking floor.' But one member of the public stared straight at him, so the robber calmly shot him.

Amid the screams, David Cameron said to those close to him said to him 'He's obviously upset about something (shrewd,these tories) keep your eyes down.' but one woman looked up, so the robber shot her.

The gunman shouted ' I DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO RECOGNISE ME' he said 'AND I'LL SHOOT ANYBODY THAT LOOKS UP. DO I MAKE MYSELF FACKING CLEAR ?'

The woman standing next to Harriet Harman glanced up, so he shot her.

'IS THAT IT? ' he shouted 'DOES ANYONE ELSE WANT TO BE FACKING SHOT?'

I waited for it go deadly  quiet, which wasn't long, then I murmured without  looking up 'Excuse me mate, I think Diane Abbott saw your face.'

Gary Neville,Michael Owen and Wayne Rooney were set to face a firing squad in some small Central American Country.Gary Neville was the first one placed against the wall.

Just before the order was given to shoot he yelled out,'EARTHQUAKE!' The firing squad fell into a panic and Gary jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Michael Owen was the next to be placed against the wall.The firing squad was reassembled and Michael pondered over what he had just witnessed.Again just before the order to shoot was given,Michael yelled out, 'TORNADO!!' Again the firing squad fell into a panic and in the confusion Michael slipped over the wall and escaped.

Wayne Rooney was the last to be placed against the wall.Already he was thinking,I see the pattern here,just scream out something about a disaster and skip over the wall and escape.Wayne confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad assembled for the third time. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled 'FIRE!!!'

As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air.

She then folded her arms and huffed, "You never make the first move",

"Jesus!" I said as I rolled my eyes "Every night it's the same thing",

"Well you don't!" she moaned "It's always me and quite frankly I'm fed up with it. And before you start, it's nothing to do with you being black",

"It is" I said,

"No, it isn't" she said,

"You know what?" I said as I jumped out of the bed, "You can stick the ******* chessboard up your @rse".

Liverpool fans appear to be calling their current strike force SAS - Suarez And Sturridge.

Not wishing to be out-done by their Scouse rivals, Man United fans have found an acronym describing all of their players and fans:
Welbeck, Anderson, Nani, Kagawa, Evra, Rooney, Smalling