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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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I've just been offered a job as manager of a Disney store .I turned it down , I don't want for a Mickey Mouse company .
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@_Enanem_ Tweets
I've just got back from a friend's funeral. He died after he was hit in the head by a tennis ball. It really was a wonderful service. I made a ventriloquist's dummy out of some old carpet. It's ruggish. I've got a hole in my pocket, no change there then. |
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People are hiding money offshore and you've got to really know what you're doing with that. 'Cos I fell out of the boat 6 times.
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Really bad analogies written by high school students.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. She grew on him like he was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever . He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. |
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The knowledge that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30 Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. |
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They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. |
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He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. |
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some crackers there bigmo, even if somewhat contrived
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My new girlfriend is taking me out shopping tonight.
She said I need new clothes as I look too middle aged. I'm gutted. I love my armour. |
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I thought a couple of them were quality MisterBadger
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I'm not saying my wife's a fat, greedy *****, but she's just cleaned the cooker with two ****g slices of bread.
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Old age makes you think like this.
Job Interview: Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?" Old Man : "Honesty." Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness." Old Man : "I don't really give a **** what you think. |
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So the media say GTA V will cause players to commit crime.
Bullshit, I've got the Coronation Street board game and I'm not a paedophile. |
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walked past 3 workmen today who were drinking tea and singing happy birthday,so i asked them who are they singing happy birthday too,"the hole,its a year old today"!
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I met this girl and she told me she wanted sex really badly. Which is lucky, as that's just the way I do it.
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I don't have a girlfriend - I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I just ended a rather stormy relationship. Started with a whirlwind romance, ended in a depression. Last time I go out with a weather girl!
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Posted elsewhere.
From today's Daily Mail . "Regarding HS2 - for 50 billion quid , wouldn't it be cheaper to knock down Birmingham and rebuild it twenty minutes nearer to London ?" . |
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superb! |
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I've just been given two weeks to live.
 The wife's gone away for a fortnight. |
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I auditioned for Britain's Got Talent when it visited Cardiff. But, shockingly, I was turned down.
That's right, my signature 'balancing a Mars Bar on my head for ten minutes' failed to impress Simon Cowell. He said, "Sorry, but Osama Bin Laden's had a Bounty on his head for eight years." |
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I'm always frank with my sexual partners.
Don't want them knowing my real name, do I? |
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I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!'
I thought, "That's just spam." |
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I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.
Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money." |
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Women actually manage to defy the laws of gravity;
the more they weigh, the easier they are to pick up |
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I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.
This one was written in London. |
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Here's a bit of advice for you.
Advi. |
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My son just said, "Dad, can you tell me what gay means?"
"It means to be happy," I replied. "Are you gay, dad?" "No, son. I married your mother!" |
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When The Hulk goes off into a vicious rage and destroys everything, he's "Incredible."
But when I do it I'm "a psychopath." |
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I read in the paper that there are up to 100,000 battered women in the UK each year.
And all this time I've been eating them raw. |
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Whilst strolling along the white cliffs of Dover early this morning i noticed a Muslim extremist slip from the cliffs and fall into the English Channel...if he didn't get help he'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Brit, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed Kent Police and the Home office. It is now 9.15..he has drowned,and neither authority has yet responded. I'm starting to think i wasted two stamps. Btw..great thread bigmo..well done mate in keeping it alive. |
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Thanks twizzle.
The wife just gave me a massive bollock1ng for throwing a snowball at our son. To top it off, I've been banned from the maternity ward. |
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Is it just me......
or does anybody else find pressing F5 refreshing? |
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I got done for shoplifting in ASDA today.
I paid for six cans of Sprite at the self checkout, but when security checked my bag he discovered I'd picked seven up. |
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"You won't like me when I'm angry.
Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources." The Credible Hulk. |
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I bought a carpet off this girl I've been dating.
We broke up, but at least I got a good shag. |
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Some yob attacked me down the local park tonight with a bat.
I was really impressed at how well he'd trained it. |
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Btw..great thread bigmo..well done mate in keeping it alive.
Completely agree with you twizzle, this and the picture thread by bigmo are both excellent. Top bombing bigmo  |
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Cheers SlippyBlue.
I was sacked yesterday for being a pervert. I don't understand why, I'm always hard at work. |
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My girlfriend and I ended up having the mother of all breakups last night, the underlying message being that my "sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship".
Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up, packed my things and right. |