More Gary Delaney.


A friend of mine keeps going on and on about how good his orthopedic shoe is. But I think he's built it up too much.


Uri Geller is surprisingly hard to stab.


I went to see Walt Disney on Ice. Bit disappointing - just an old bloke in a freezer.


Malcolm X chose that name, rather than admit he'd accidentally put a kiss at the end of a text message.

My next door neighbour is really loud and obnoxious. So now I know how Canada feels. 

Tim Vine


So this bloke said to me "Tim, do you know Marie Osmond is about to appear in the world's worst film?" I said "Warner Brothers?" He said "I already have!"


conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes.


So I was working in a health food shop. This bloke walked in and said "Evening primrose oil." I said "Mr Vine to you!" He said "Soya chunks?" I said "You shouldn't have been looking."


My girlfriend is covered from head to toe in grass. Her name's Lorna.


I went to the doctor and he said, "You've got hypochondria." I said, "Not that as well!"


I had a dream last night. This voice said, "On your marks, get set, go!" and I woke up with a start.


Last night I dreamt I was the author of Lord of the Rings. I was Tolkien in my sleep.


I saw Schindler's List, and the bloke behind me started wailing. I got hit on the back of the head with a harpoon.

I checked into a hotel, with my beloved, for a weekend of wild and uninhibited lovemaking.

The porter took our bags up to our room.  I tipped him, quite generously.

"Can I get you anything else?" he asked.

"No, I have all I want here!" I replied. 

"Can I get something for your wife?" asked the porter.

I thought for a while, and said "Could you bring me a postcard for me to  send to her?"

The Walt Disney one was very good

Yes I do know it's not PC but...


I've opened a discount clothing store just for black people.

Primate.

Ancient Rome was bloodfest of gladiator fights, but a lot of people didn’t realise that these fights were timed to end in 5 minutes, or both gladiators were put to death. .

One particular gladiator,  Badenus Powellus, was waiting for the thumb signal to either kill or spare his fallen opponent lying on the sand in front of him.  Caesar looked at him and said ’Badenus Powelus, you are indeed a mighty gladiator,  but I’m fed up with these often repeated methods of putting an opponent to his death., so much so, that if you don’t kill this gladiator in a way never seen before, I shall come down into the arena and kill you myself is that clear?’ 

‘It is O mighty Caesar’ said Badenus Powellus who ran across the sand and grabbed a piece of the Offician Timekeepers equipment  (Yes. offician was used in Rome) ran back and proceeded to beat his opponent about the upper torso with it. 

Inquisitively, Caesar stood upright and said’ Badenus Powellus, what in the name of the Gods are you doing? /

And B.P. broke into song’ I’m siding a gong on the chest of a slave…’

The mother-in-law got an email from Ann Summers


From : Dispatch @ Ann Summers Ltd.

Thank you for your recent order.

You asked for the large red vibrator pictured in ’Office Naughties’ on Page 47

Please order a different item as this is a fire extinguisher.

Saw that one as an Essex Girl joke SF.

How do you know when you´re raping an Essex girl?

She sticks her finger up your @rse.

The Duke of Edinburgh

on a visit to a South American dictatorship...

"It's so nice to visit a country which is not governed by its people."

and

to the President of Nigeria, dressed in trad garb...

"You look like you're about to go to bed."

I was in Turkey on holiday last week & came across one of those Turkish bath houses.... They shaved with a solid steel stoneground cut throat razor, singed the hairs inside the ears and nose, waxed off the chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the a*se crack, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub-down. Honestly, the missus has never looked so good!

Turkish bath house.

I don't mind a rape joke though if it's funny.

Apology Bigmo, read them too quickly and slightly intoxicated.

@cluedont Tweets


Shenanigan - what Sean Connery does when he goes back to his grandmother's house.


If you could have a superpower that you were only able to use for one day, what would it be? Mine would be China.


Locksmiths make terrible songwriters. Way too many key changes.


The proof is in the pudding. Don't think I'll be using that printing company again.


Piers Morgan is like Marmite. Unless you love Marmite, obviously.


Wayne Rooney recently did some research into his family tree, only to discover that most of them are still living in it.


The worst place to get pins and needles is in the queue for the security scan in an airport.