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Chit Chat
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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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That's the way to do it!
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Stupid answers on quiz shows
DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM) Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year? Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue. Kelly: OK. What do beans come in? Contestant: Cartons? QUIZMANIA (ITV) Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'. Contestant: Doctor. Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango. Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor. BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is? Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point. Theakston: There's a clue in the title. Contestant: Leicester. BBC NORFOLK Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World? Contestant: I don't know. White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow? Contestant: Arm. White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . . .? Contestant: Strong. White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name? Contestant: Louis. White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World? Contestant: Frank Sinatra? LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS) Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy? Contestant: France. Trelinski: France is another country. Try again. Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm. Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon? Contestant: Sorry, I don't know. Trelinski: Just guess a country then. Contestant: Paris. UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2) Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'? Contestant: Homosexuals. Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you. THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2) Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party? Contestant: The Conservative Party. BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON) DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope? Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish? THE WEAKEST LINK Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet? Contestant: Jool carriageway? UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name? Contestant: Goosey? GWR FM (Bristol) Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963? Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then. RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND) Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...? Caller: Mohicans. QUIZMANIA Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'. Contestant: Grandfather. Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else. Contestant: Panda. PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER) Phil: What's 11 squared? Contestant: I don't know. Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle. Contestant: Is it five? RICHARD AND JUDY Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman? A: Forrest Gump. RICHARD AND JUDY Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live? Contestant: Er . . . Leslie: He makes bread .. .. Contestant: Er . .. . Leslie: He makes cakes .. . Contestant: Kipling Street? MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND) Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated? Contestant: Erm .. . Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964. Contestant: 1965? SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV) Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held? Contestant: Six. Tufnell: Higher! Contestant: Five. FORTBOYARD(CHALLENGE TV) Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT. Team: Chedpit. LINCS FM PHONE-IN Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? Contestant: Barcelona. Presenter: I was really after the name of a country. Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain. RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total? Contestant: 23. NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM) Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest? Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it? THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT) Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'. Contestant: Ghana. Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean. Contestant: New Zealand. NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1) Question: What is the world's largest continent? Contestant: The Pacific ROCK FM (PRESTON) Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci. Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV) Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918? Contestant: Magna Carta. JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC) O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry? Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er . . . er three? NATIONAL LOTTERY Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what? Contestant: Jelly. RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2) Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory? Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's? BLIND DATE (ITV) Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen. Boy: Charlotte Bronte. CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL) Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna? Caller: Japan. Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again. Caller: Er . . . Mexico? DOG EAT DOG (BBC1) Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings? Contestant: Enid Blyton PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE) Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last? Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days. NATIONAL LOTTERY Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing . .. what? Contestant: Basketball. NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place? Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor? DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels? Contestant: Holland? Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet. Contestant: Iceland? Ireland? Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel? Contestant: No. PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR) Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible? Contestant: Er . . . Wood: It's got two syllables . .. . Kor .. . . Contestant: Blimey? Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . . Contestant: (Silence) Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . . Contestant: Walked? NATIONAL LOTTERY Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea: a)Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea? Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea. THE VAULT Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time? Contestant: Nostalgia. LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRM Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes? Contestant: Jewish. Presenter: That's close enough. BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1 Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes? Contestant: Ummm .. . Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'. Contestant: Shark. STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2) Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play? Contestant: Jesus. |
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Pub in Covent garden!
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Ding! The penny has dropped!!!!! Thanks Zaru and collywobble. It was Punch and Judy
 They are no good when you have to explain them!!!!!!!  |
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A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
"Honey, this pig is what I hump when you don't feel well." The wife looks up from the magazine she's reading and says, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep." The man replies, "I was talking to the sheep." |
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Steven Gerrard, Raheem Sterling and Glen Johnson have all been ruled out of the England squad for Friday's match against Moldova.
The Liverpool trio are all said to be suffering from altitude sickness after spending more than 3 hours at the top of the Premier League. |
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As Headmaster of a Catholic primary school, the first thing I have to do in the morning is read the register.
In case any teachers have been put on it overnight. |
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The first comedian was booed off at the Comedy Club last night, so he threw a tear gas canister at the audience as he left the stage, wasn't a dry eye in the house.
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bigmo
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As the Transfer Window closed, many Liverpool fans were disappointed not to have got Bale.
But they'll be back in court today to try again. |
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A Touching Golf Story
Vic stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.. Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What the heck is taking so long?' 'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Vic explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.' His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.' |
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Ernie and Dave are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Dave says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Ernie continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find." |
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An Irish Tradition
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled blue eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya ****** idiot!" |
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When the UK invaded Afghanistan the Chinese thought it was a really stupid thing to do.
If we invade another Middle Eastern country they think it would be even Syria. |
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FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view) - By Pam Ayres of course..
The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag; ... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey". Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed. An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread... In her left she held a rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip. Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week!! Watching Mabel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. And things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and said I am a dominater !! Now if you knew our Mabel, You'd see just why I spluttered, I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered. She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left tit! Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; My god what had I done!? She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one"!! Well readers, I can't tell no more; About what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey |
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A blond woman goes to the hospital.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina." The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas" |
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Women have absolutely no idea how to chat up us guys.
As if "**** off you loser" was going to get me into bed. |
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What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex?
One makes your day, the other makes your hole week! |
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"I thought Deep Throat was a movie about a giraffe."
"I would have won the Academy Award if not for one thing - my pictures." Bob Hope |
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Sorry, it's been years since I last heard a new joke! But anyway...
What's the difference between a crane and an elephant? One's got hydraulics, the other's got high bollocks! |
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Summer is officially coming to an end and you know what that means....All you half naked ladies are going to have to find a personality.
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Bruce Willis, Sly Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are invited to a fancy dress ball, but they must dress as classical composers.
After 15 minutes Sly told the other two he was going as Mozart. As Bruce mulled over names in his head, Arnie seemed relaxed. After another 10 minutes Bruce said 'Okay, I'll be Beethoven.' Sly and Bruce looked at Arnie, and they both asked 'Well?...' and waited for a reply. Arnie stood up, flexed his muscles, put on his dark glasses and said 'Guys, it was obvious from the start. I'll be Bach.' |
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"Every Chocolate Hobnob in the whole world is made in London."
Boris Johnson (Conservative Party Conference 2012) |
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Dear Chit Chat Got any Jokes
I have 23 jokes and I can't understand why any of them haven't scored very well. Gordon Strachan |
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Just been to the bookies to collect my winnings from the tenner I put on Scotland losing to Belgium last night.
I wonder what I'll spend my ten pounds and seventeen pence on... |
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Now the racists and rapists
And open prison escapists Were just passing by. And the grabby types, The Maddie types, Who want to be a Daddy types Were just passing by. And the mug-you types, And thug-you types And like to have sex by drug-you types Were just passing by. Those on their own, ****g the phone With squinty eyes looking like a clone Were just passing by. Trucker driving through Who just got blew And killed a hooker on the A32 Was just passing by. And the IT bod Sat in his pod Choking on his tongue and writing his blog Was just passing by. And the jobless types, Who are not white And used to pick cotton and fingers are light Were just passing by. And the sick perverts, Who disconcert The women with outrageous flirts And like to fill their mouths with squirts Were just passing by. The Got any jokes folk, Who share a joke; See a duplicate and almost choke. Waiting ages for Elton's stroke Were just passing by. There's a McDonald's for everyone. |
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Tea is for mugs.
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Velcro - what a rip off
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There was a survey on why men liked ****s - 5% liked the look, 15% liked the feel and the other 80% liked the silence!
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****
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blow the job.Take away the.
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A single gene that is dramatically different in chimpanzees and humans may explain why apes cannot talk.
Oh well, at least they can still communicate through rap music. |
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Wearing a T-Shirt with "Let's talk about God" on it always guarantees me a seat to myself on the train.
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The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my house.
I didn't know what to make of it. |
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Who will take the second shot in this snooker game?
Find out after the break. |
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