She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

I’m not saying she’s easy, but she’s been in so many motel rooms her nickname is ‘Gideon.’

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

She’s so fat she wears stretch kaftans.

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.


Joan Rivers

Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."


I told my wife the Chinese Whisper joke this morning - no response, nothing, not even a Snicker!

Some **** in a nightclub came up to me and said, "I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha."

I replied, "20 x 0 = 0."

That shut the **** up.

lmao bigmo!! i think i'll av to copy and paste of few of urs to facebook! :)

They say never work with kids or animals, never more true than in porn.

immediately *

42 you bounder.

I was lying next to my new girlfriend and I said, "You're different to all the other girls I've slept with."

She said, "That's because I'm a bloke, you ****."

That's what I love about Martin... She's got a great sense of humour.

I was meeting a friend at a bar and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.
"Nine." I heard one whisper as I passed.
Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me as 9 out of 10.
"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in they were speaking German."

My wife sent me a card saying "Get Better Soon" today.

It's not that I'm  ill, I'm just crap at sex.

I'm adopted, and I'm glad my parents were at least honest enough to tell me.

But why everyday?

I've just seen a girl choking on a cocktail sausage.

I went over to introduce myself

I had a dream about northernlad

I dreamed he was alive, but I was dead and went to heaven, and the whole place was filled with clocks,  billions of them.

I noticed that every now and again a clock would jump an hour. I went to see God and asked him why they jumped.

God said 'When a man masturbates on Earth, his  life clock jumps forward one hour and his life is shortened by the same time.'

I looked across and saw a door that had a sign on it that read 'LEADERS OF THEIR PEOPLE'.

I went in and saw clocks belonging to Cameron, Clegg, Obama, Putin and loads of others. But I couldn't see Northernlads clock.

I asked God where it was.

God said 'We keep it in the kitchen and use it as a fan.'

Tea is for mugs.

Northernlad is so thick that he sat for three hours staring at a bottle of orange juice because it had 'concentrate' printed on the label.

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my Mrs has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my Mrs. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?

A grouse walks into a bar and asks for a whisky. "Funny you should say that, we've got a whisky just made for you" "really? What's that?" and the barman gives him a Grouse.

Five minutes later a white horse walks into the bar and says, "I really need a drink, what'ya got bartender?" "Funny you should ask, I've got a bottle with your name on it!" and he gives him a shot of White Horse Whiskey.

Next, a seal waddles into the bar and asks for drink. "Funnily enough" says the barman, "I've got a drink with your name on it" "Really? What's that?"

"Canadian Club"