Lady in labour, shouting the usual ****, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you ****ker!"

He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arrse, but you said, 'feck off it'll be too painful.'"

How do you know if someone has an iPhone?

They tell you.

After almost 5 years of regular hospital visits, tests, wank1ng into test-tubes etc, my wife and I are no nearer to having a child.
So we have decided that we've had enough of all this and we are going to take drastic measures.
I'm just going to have to fcuk her.

Newlyweds in bed.
"Had many men before me, darling?"

No answer.
Long silence.
"Are you asleep, my darling?"
"Shhh.......
.
.
.
. I'm counting!"

My Gran said she can't remember the last time she had sex.

Phew.

I texted my wife a picture of my flaccid p*nis.

I wanted to let her know I was thinking about her.

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served, it looks mighty swell?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A true delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early manana and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These sure are tasty, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor, what can I say - sometimes the bull wins.'

generous imo

My wife just won £75 in a beauty contest.
Last time I play Monopoly with the smug b*tch.

Husband and wife get the bad news the he has worsening Alzheimer. A few weeks later..... Husband comes into sitting room and says "what did I come in here for"  wife immediately says "Who are you"

Although a UKIP MEP has stated that Bongo Bongo Land doesn't actually exist, it is still above Scotland and Wales in the FIFA world rankings.

Harsh, but fair...

I was amazed at how quick you appeared to respond to the last joke.

My wife is so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders was ending.

Life in the Australian  Army...

Text of a  letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in  the know, Eromanga is a small    town, west of  Quilpie in the far south west of  Queensland) 


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are  too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than  workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the  jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because  ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz  all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and  clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to  stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz  there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! 

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo  steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until  noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been  on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in  the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil  with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The  bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's  not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull  got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is  make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!!  You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and  ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting  truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya  gotta wrestle  with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy -  it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve  and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out  I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's  got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers -  he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders  and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I  fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I  can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before  word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving  daughter,

Sheila

I went to a funeral yesterday with my girlfriend, It was the first time I had met most of her family.

God they're miserable f*ckers.

My sister caught me w*nking yesterday and called me a pervert.

The next day I walk into her room and catch her flicking the bean and she called me a pervert.

It's the hypocrisy of the situation that annoys me the most.

Tottenham will be facing Dinamo Tbilisi in the Europa League.

In case you haven't heard of them, they're a small club from North London.

I asked my wife 'Will you still love me when I'm old, fat, and bald?'

She said 'I do.'