I walked up to a dwarf today and said, "That cigarette you're holding will stunt your growth."

"It's not a cigarette," he replied, "I'm blind."

A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath.

I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.

I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

Local girl Joanna Mow leaps to her death on her birthday...

Your middle name wouldn't be Ronny would it Jo?

My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.

He is now classed as a seasoned veteran.

I have a real habit of acting out the names of any towns that I visit.

For example, when I went to Poole, I went swimming.

When I went to Rugby, I played Rugby.

When I went to Bath, I took a bath.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I need bailing out of Blackburn police station.

" A woman's work is never done"

Maybe that's why they get paid less.

"You won't like me when I'm angry.

Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources."

The Credible Hulk.

I said to my two-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"

"Miaow!"

"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"

"Woof woof!"

"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"

"David, if you even think about going out to that f*cking pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"

That's my boy.

British weather: it's just like a Muslim; either Sunni or Shi'ite.

England Training Ground:

Steve McClaren asks Wayne Rooney, "Why is it that every time you get the ball you dribble it round Rio Ferdinand, Shawn Wright Phillips and Emile Heskey."

Rooney replies, "Because, you told me to boss!"

"No, No," says McClaren, "I told you to run round the cones."

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake p*nis to your forehead. It is now clear to all as to your allegiance.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*cking thing in the first place, you fat bstards.

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's a*se, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed,lie in a sandpit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Save money on expensive personalized car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next **** from the butt of your last one.

I'm a big fan of 50 Cent; or, as he's known in Zimbabwe, four hundred million dollars.

I opened a box last night to find a set of cards. On each card was a photo. The first was OJ Simpson, then Michael Barrymore, followed by Kate McCann, Gerry McCann and, finally, Amanda Knox.

That is going to be a long game of Cluedo.

What did the letter O say to Q?

Dude, your dick is hanging out.

A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly injured. A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back! So she throws a tampon in his face and says "there you go you miserable bstard, I'll pay you back monthly!" And the moral of this story is:- Even if a woman eventually pays back what she owes a man, there's always a string attached!

My teenage son brought his new girlfriend home last night so I gave him some sex advice.

"Spread her minge apart with your fingers and lick her ****," I said. "Then, after a few minutes, spit on her arse, slip your **** deep inside and then pound the granny out of it."

"Oh, cheers, dad!" he replied.

"No problem," I said, walking out of his room. "Nice to meet you, Sarah."

I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how that it's unfair that if a guy **** a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl **** just two guys in a year, she's a slut.
So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a **** lock.
That shut her up.

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick ****... How about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some **** in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

Why I fired my secretary:

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.