I'm thinking of moving to the North Pole just to get away from any Muslims.

I'd like to see them cope with Ramadan somewhere where there's six months between sunrise and sunset.

BREAKINK NEWS!!!!!

Wayne Rooney is set to join Chelsea after wife Coleen agreed personal term's with John Terry

Mel Smith's death has been reported on BBC News, Channel 5 News, Sky News, CNN and the News at Ten.

But not the 9 O'Clock News.

I'm not a big fan of jokes straight after people passing away but felt as you say workrider he would have liked that one.

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon, and baby balloon.
Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night,
"Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.
When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.
But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he undid the bottom of his mummy and let tiny bit air out of her. But to his dismay he still coultn't fit in, so he crept round to his daddy's side of the bed and undid his daddy's knot and let a little bit of air out. Again he tried to squeeze in but still couldn't quite fit. So he undid hiself and let a little bit of air out. Then he fitted in nice and snuggly and fell sound asleep.

When his mum woke up she was furious!
"Get into your own room at once and think of what you have done young man!" she shouted
"I am so dissappointed in you! Not only have you let me down and your father down, you''ve let yourself down too!"

Ironic how the biggest w*nker in the UK wants to block online porn.

Arthur and the Witch:


Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?


The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
....things are going to get ugly.

I was the getaway driver for a robbery at a paper factory in Bristol last night.

We took the A4.

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it.

"Nice car," I said as he got out.

"Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year."

A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath.

I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.

Did you realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same?

Some guy just came up to me in work and said, "Did you know, people have two ears and only one mouth; I guess that means we should listen more and talk less."

I said, "Hmm, maybe..or...seeing that you have two legs and only one head....you should think less and fack off!"

that balloon one made me laugh

The Royal baby has been named 'George'

Zippy and Bungle are mortified!

Since I was 18, I've dated girls in alphabetical order, starting from A, in an attempt to one day make it to Z.

My last girlfriend, Yvonne, was convinced I'd never make it.

She was right, I went back to my X.

Australian Love Poem


Of course I love ya darling, you're a bloody top-notch bird

And when I say you're gorgeous, I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side, I don't mind a bit of flab

It means that when I'm ready, there's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more, I tell ya, I don't care

So long as when I cuddle ya, I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age has nice round perky bre*sts

They just gave in to gravity but I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now, I never tell ya lies

I think it’s very sexy that you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now, the moment that we met

I thought you was as good, as I was ever gonna get

No matter what ya look like I'll always love ya dear

Now shut up while the cricket’s on and fetch another beer.

a bloke went in hospital to have his leg off,

when he came round from the operation the surgeon said,"iv got some good news and some bad news!"

"give me the bad news first",said the man,

"im sorry ,but we took the wrong leg off",
"Feckin ada" ,said the man!,"whats the good news?"

surgeon sez,"well,you see that blond nurse over there with the big tits?"

"im sh@ggin her!!!"