A bloke went in hospital to have his leg off,

when he came round round from the operation the surgeon said,"I've got some good news and some bad news!"
'I'm sorry' the surgeon said 'but we took the wrong leg off,

Whats the good news he asked...

The other leg is getting better the surgeon said!

As the doctor went through my notes, he said, "The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection."
I said, "How come?"
He said, "Well ... your wife is very ugly."

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father.
She stands next to the barber's chair, eating a muffin while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies, "I'm gonna get títs too."

After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to learn the basics again.
How to walk, how to talk, How to feed herself and How to not argue with me at the top of the stairs again.

A photon books into a hotel.

The bellboy asked 'Have you got any luggage?'

'No. I'm travelling light.'

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please."

I was in a pub when a young bloke, a stranger,  came up to me and asked 'Have you got a light, please mate ?'


I said 'No'
He said ' But you're smoking a cigar'

I said 'I know, but you're not getting a light'

'Why not' he  asked

I said 'Simple...Listen.. if I give you a light you might want to buy me a beer. And then I'll have to buy you a beer. And as you don't know anybody in here, you'll sit and drink with me. Before long we'll be drunk and arrange another night for a piss up. After a few weeks of drinking together I'll take pity on you as it's obvious you're not married and I'll take you home to meet my wife and she'll cook you a lovely dinner. After dinner you'll fall asleep on the sofa and miss the last bus, and I'll be too drunk to drive, so we'll let you stay in the spare bedroom. But then you'd have to meet my gorgeous 19 year old daughter, who's easily led by a young bloke like you. You'll chat her up and within two weeks you'll be sleeping together. Next thing you know she'll be pregnant and you'll fack off.'

He said to me 'I won't fack off and leave her, honest'

I said 'I know you won't, because you ain't getting a facking light.'

Why should they have to see your private python?

Paddy's walking down the street eating a bag of doughnuts. Mick meets him & says, "If I guess how many doughnuts are in the bag can I have one?" Paddy says, "If you guess how many are in the bag you can have both of them." Mick says, "Four?"

I refereed a women's football match yesterday. It was brilliant.

I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she'd done wrong.

I'm getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails.

Maybe I should just get an iPhone.

I was in a large departmental store some years ago and a woman had returned half a dozen pairs of knickers and was complaining that she couldn't twll the front from the back as they were not labelled. Nonsense madam said the woman at the returns desk. All our goods are clearly marked C&A

an irishwoman suspects her husband has had an affair because there newborn baby looks nothing like her!

I bought the wife a pug the other day - you know, big bulging eyes, flat nose, wrinkled skin - but the dog seems to like her.

Local Police hunting the 'Knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the a*se in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

The government desperately needs to get the benefit budget under control.

Because at this rate the country won't be able to afford their 33% pay rise.

My wife says she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober.

Facking hell, I got married?

A Scotsman with Alzheimer's walks past a bar..

Liverpool football club, wishes to eradicate any use of the following words, which are usually offensive and the club considers unacceptable.

Title challenge
Top four
Europe
Champions league

I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'.
You probably saw our posters.