A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, “My bike"

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...

"Something happened.  I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops."

Scooters are for men that like to ride a motorbike, and feel a cool breeze on their vagina.

A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage.
The Photon replies "No  I'm travelling light".

I'm not so sure that the time is right for Scottish devolution.

They should wait until they've mastered evolution first.

Well, well, well..
Welcome to the stutter society

Groucho Marx (1890-1977):
'I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.'


Peter Kay (2 July 1973-):
'My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.'


Tommy Cooper (1921-1984)
'I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.'


Woody Allen (1 December 1935-):
'Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.'


Billy Connolly (24 November 1942-):
'My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.'


W.C Fields (1880-1946):
'Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.'


Tony Hancock (1924-1968):
'This radio lark's a wonderful hobby, y'know. I've got friends all over the world, all over the world... none in this country, but friends all over the world.'


Les Dawson (1931-1993):
'My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.'


Spike Milligan (1918-2002):
'Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.'


Dorothy Parker (1893-1967):
'If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.'

Bill Cosby (July 12, 1937-):
'Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.'


Mae West (1893-1980):
'I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.'


Terry Jones (1 February 1942-):
'He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!' (in Monty Python's Life Of Brian)


Jay Leno (April 28, 1950-):
'Politics is just show business for ugly people.'


Kenneth Williams (1926-1988):
'Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it in for me!'


Jack Dee (24 September 1961-):
'The film industry is like Anne Robinson - always on the lookout for a new face.'


Jerry Seinfeld (April 29, 1954-):
'I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.'


Ambrose Bierce, author of The Devil's Dictionary (1842-1913):
'War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.'


Homer Simpson (1987-):
'Trying is the first step towards failure.'


Oliver Hardy (1892-1957) to Stan Laurel (1890-1965):
'Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.'

All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.


I had a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. I can never go back to Starbucks...


I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.


Katie Holmes is not a very good actress. Did you see her try and play John F. Kennedy's wife? She was so bad he shot himself in it.


I said to my husband, "Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?" He said, "I don't want to wake you up."

Groucho Marx
'I was refused membershop of a swimming club because I'm Jewish. I said my son is half Jewish, can he go in up to his waist.'

My vagina is like Newark. Men know it's there but they don't want to visit.


I said to my husband, "my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs". He said, "Blue goes with everything."


At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.


When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.


The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.


I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, “The man goes on top and the woman underneath.” For three years, my husband and I slept in bunk beds.


My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.


Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.


I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.


I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: 'Last Girl Before Freeway.'

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.


I have so little sex appeal my gynaecologist calls me "sir".


I have so little sex appeal my gynaecologist examines me by telephone.


Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.


I hate euphemisms. “My Ralphie passed this morning.” No he didn't. He's dead. He's not passing anything.  He can't move. That's the whole point, you idiot.


I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley’s Believe It or Not and he sent it back and said, “I don’t believe it.”


As a Jew, I don't want to see Mel Gibson at a party. I don't want to run into him in the kitchen because there’s an oven in it and I’m afraid of what he might do.


A man can sleep around, no questions asked. But if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she's a tramp.


It's so EASY being a Catholic. All you have to do is get f***ed by a priest, and they give you a set of candlesticks.


Marie Osmond is so pure, not even Moses could even part her knees.

Joan Collins lies about her age so much we should have her body carbon-dated.


I’m not saying she’s easy, but she’s been in so many motel rooms her nickname is ‘Gideon.’


I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.


If Kate Winslet had dropped a few pounds, the Titanic would never have sunk.


I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.


When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now... once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.


A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.


Gay marriage - I am so against it because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.


My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.


When I was born, my mother asked the doctor “will she live?” He said: “Only if you take your foot off her throat”.

And finally....


People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.


Camilla Parker-Bowles is so ugly that at airports they make her frisk herself.


Grandchildren can be so f***ing annoying. How many times can you go, "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.


No-one says this, but the vagina drops. I looked down a few years ago and thought, "Why am I wearing a bunny slipper?"


The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only twenty-eight-year-olds. Who knew he would find 20 of them?


I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.


7Bo Derek has no concept of Roman numerals. She thinks we just fought World War Eleven.


My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

I can confirm Russell Crowe does not wear deodorant. In Australia I believe that they call that animal magnetism.


You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.


How could Princess Di not be happy? She was tall, thin, gorgeous and rich with a husband who didn't want to sleep with her. And she had a crown!


I met Adele! What's her song, Rolling In The Deep? She should add 'fried chicken'

The start to the build up to Christmas has started and Father Christmas is chatting with one of his elves.

"I'm seriously f*cked off with this" he says ... "every f*cking year I have to wear this f*cking stupid red suit" he goes on ... "and run around like a fu*king idiot - and what do I get to f*cking show for it?" he rants ... "f*ck all, SWEET F*CK ALL!"

The elf responds ...

"Now you know how Steven Gerrard feels"

6/10

6/10 SqueezeFirmly.That's generous as I thought it was awful.



My girlfriend was giving me a bl*w job earlier.

She stopped for a moment and said, "Let me know when you're close..."

She then hung up on her husband and carried on sucking my c*ck.

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took

her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those ****s at Jewsons deliver the ****g bricks on time.'

Last night my black colleague walked away with the 'Employee of the year' award.

Luckily security stopped him at the door.

Papiss Cissé fined for refusing to wear shirt showing Newcastle club sponsor Wonga.

Initial fine of £5,000, rising to £47,987,654,334 if he hasn't paid by Friday.