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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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Down in the pub, one of the lads asked me, "Did you get laid last night James?"
"No mate, it's the wrong time of the month." He replied, "Gutted for you mate, there's always next week!" "Damn right!" I said, "That's when I get paid." |
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World's Shortest Books
A Guide to French Hospitality Different Ways to Spell Bob The Australian Book of Foreplay The Lawyers Code of Ethics |
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What is forty feet long,has eight teeth,and smells of wee.The front row of a Cliff Richard concert.
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What has 180 legs and no pubic hair? The front row of a Justin Bieber concert.
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Men are from Earth.women are fron Earth.Deal with it.
Never tell a woman you are unworthy of her love.She knows. If you think women are the weaker sex,try pulling the blankets back to your side. There are two theories of arguing with women.Neither one works. If all men are the same,why does it take a woman so long to pick one. |
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Give a man a free hand and he'll try and put it all over you - Mae West
Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands - Jayne Mansfield Men do cry,but only when assembling furniture from Ikea - Rita Rudna |
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Give a man an inch and he thinks he's a ruler.Give him 12 inches and he is a ruler.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and throw rice. Man,to woman,"Fancy a quickie?" Woman,"As opposed to what?" |
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What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What do you call an intelligent,good looking,sensitive man? A romour. What's a man's idea of foreplay? Half an hour of begging. What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed.They're no longer thick and insensitive. And before I get shot down there will be some women ones.  |
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What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college? High school.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart? Through his rib cage. Why do men buy electric lawnmowers? So they can find their way back to the house. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract. |
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Well, well, well...
Welcome to stutter class. |
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I'm not saying that my wife is ugly.
But when she boarded the bus in Mumbai, the rapists got off. |
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My new blow up doll is so realistic, it told me it just wants to be friends.
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Why is a man like a moped? They're both fun to ride until your friends see you with one.
Why is a woman different from a computer? A woman won't accept a 3-inch floppy disc. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,caring and good looking? They already have boyfriends. Grow your own dope - plant a man. |
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What do an clitoris,an anniversary and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
What do you call a man who's just had sex? Anything you like - he's asleep. What is a man? A life support machine for a peenis. What's the best way to kill a man? Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him.Then tell him to pick only one. |
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What do an clitoris,an anniversary and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
What do you call a man who's just had sex? Anything you like - he's asleep. What is a man? A life support machine for a peenis. What's the best way to kill a man? Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him.Then tell him to pick only one. |
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are you a lezzer bigmo?
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Church of Scotland
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lol MisterBadger. There coming out of a book I picked up at a boot sale.It's just the man section at the moment. I did say the women jokes would follow when I get to that chapter.
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Not sure if this has been posted before.
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you **** me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. |
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that last one gets me everytime...... |
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Why do doctors slap babies'bums when they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay. Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilise one egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions. Women might be able to fake orgasms.But men can fake whole relationships. Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law. |
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Men are like bank accounts - without a lot of money,they don't generate much interest.
Men are like pantyhose - they either cling,run or don't fit right in the crotch. |
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"I know I'm never going to understand women.I will never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,pour it over your upper thigh,rip the hair out by the root - and still be afraid of a spider." Jerry Seinfeld
In the beginning,God created the earth and rested.Then God created man and rested.Them God created woman.Since then, neither God nor man has rested. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. In an average day a man speaks 35,000 words and a woman speaks 30,000.Unfortunately,by the time I get home,I've done my 35,000 and she hasn't even started on her 30,000. My son must get his brains from his mother - I still have mine. |
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Marriage counselling.
Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she's being a b*tch. |
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There are three types of women;the intelligent,the beautiful and the majority.
What is love? The delusion that one woman differs from another. What's the difference between PMT and BSE? One's mad cow disease and the other is an agricultural problem. |
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A thief broke into my house last night and was searching for money. So I woke up and searched with him.
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Did you find any?
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No but he thanked me for my help.
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My wife just called me a juvenile loser, a childish pr*ck and a terrible husband, just because I turned our house into a "Fun House"
I'm not sure why she's being such a bitch, maybe she just got out of bed on the wrong slide. |
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A psychiatrist and a friend are sitting in a restaurant.The psychiatrist points at one of the other diners."See that man over there.He claims to understand women." "Is he a colleague of yours?" asks the friend."No," replies the psychiatrist. "He's one of my patients."
Why do women have orgasms? It gives them an extra reason to moan. Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.To prove their theory,the scientists fed 100 men twelve pints of beer each and observed that all the men gained weight,talked excessively without making sense,became emotional,couldn't drive,couldn't think and refused to apologise when wrong. |
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In an average day a man speaks 35,000 words and a woman speaks 30,000.Unfortunately,by the time I get home,I've done my 35,000 and she hasn't even started on her 30,000.
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Man attending an athletic meeting approached
one of the competitors. He said 'Are you a pole vaulter?' The athlete responded 'No, I am Hungarian, but how did you know my name was Vaulter?' |
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That is bad rendition of the joke!
It should be: A German guy walking along the street with a long pole under his arm. A guy passing asks: ´Are you a pole vaulter´. ´No, I am from Germany´, replies the German guy. ´But how did you know my name was Walter?´ |
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Tip, sorry about that, although I hadn't heard your version before,
so please excuse me. Having said that, I think my miserable attempt does get the joke across. |
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"Down the hatch!" I shouted as I picked up my pint and toasted my mate who was about to do an 8 month tour on a submarine.
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After bumping into David Attenborough earlier, I had to concede my wife was right.
The back garden grass really does need cutting. |
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A chicken and egg are lying in bed next to each other.The chicken is smoking a cigarette and the egg is looking annoyed."Well" says the egg,"I guess that answers the question!"
A man goes into a pet shop and sees a duck tap-dancing on an upturned flowerpot.The man buys the duck for a fiver and takes it home.Next day he rings up the pet shop to complain."This duck has been sitting on my kitchen table for hours," says the man."It hasn't danced a single step." The pet shop owner replies,"Did you remember to light the candle under the flowerpot." What's a polygon? A dead parrot. |
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off
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After having my prostate examination the nurse walked into the room and said the 5 words I didn't want to hear.
"Who the hell was he" |
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This is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams.
Many years ago I came a close 2nd in the Miss Brazil 1949 competition. Later that year I emigrated and was beset by a long period of bad luck. I suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders. I lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a road traffic accident. Later, I suffered 90% burns in an unprovoked acid attack. Several of my teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged in a bitch fight outside a Chicken Cottage. The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts. But I never stopped believing. And then finally last week I was crowned Miss Scotland 2013. |