An estate agent is trying to sell a very old man a new home."It would be a great investment" says the the agent."You've got to be joking",says the old man. "At my age I don't even buy green bananas".

The invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at.

My hard drive crashed yesterday. I've emailed the NSA but they're refusing to send me a copy of their backup.

While Jim Apple was having trouble introducing himself in France,

at a hotel in Berlin, his friend Gordon Morgan was having similar problems when he arrived for breakfast.

If I had to choke Nigella Lawson, I wouldn't choose my hands to do it with.

My sex life has been pretty dull now for at least six months.

The brightness button on my laptop is broken.

cops went round to see paddy and mick. they opened the door and cop says "we need to speak to you about operation yewtree"      paddy replied "but theres only 2 of us"

Curries and Uncles are so alike, one Dodgy one and your a*se is sore for a week :-(

I lost my job and my wife on the same day.

Cheers EuroMillions!

I came to this country with only one pound in my pocket.

And now I own a shopping trolley

SEX

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick bstard!!

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For f*** sake, if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you f@rt?"

SCAM

Just got scammed out of £25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Similar thing happened to me.  Paid £20 for 'Play A Round With Aliss'.

A Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?"

The husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
I do not have a headache.
I do not have a headache.
I do not have a headache."

It worked! The headaches are all gone."

"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back after few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.

My new cell mate said, "What are you in for?"

I said, "Stealing from a shop."

He said, "How long did you get?"

I said, "Fifteen years."

He said, "****g hell, that's a bit steep. What did you try to steal?"

I said, "A baby from Mothercare."

1 in 4 people live in denial.

Not me.

Silence is golden, unless you have kids.

Then it's just suspicious.

my ex wife got me in a boston crab and squirted lemon in my mouth,


and she wonders why im bitter and twisted