My daughter said to me, "You never wanted a daughter did you?". "I never wanted a son either" I replied. "All I wanted was a bl*w job."

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday.

"B*llocks!" I said. "I didn't even know it was your birthday."

i got a 5k watch off my grandfather on his death bed. but i have to say he put up one hell of a fight

felt very insecure in the opticians yesterday, they were eyeballing me

I once swallowed an oxymoron, it didn't agree with me

I suggested to my wife that she try masturbating with a fruit.  She went ****g bananas.

My wife may be a big fat bitch, but you'll never catch her eating junk food.


She's far too f*cking quick.

^ 

2 JEWISH FELLAS ...JACOB AND HYMEE OFF TO A GERMAN FIRING SQUAD .HYMEE SAYS IM FREEZING ,I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT MY COAT,ITS RAINING AND IM GETTING WET ,JACOB SAYS ...."STOP FKKIN MOANING HYMEE YOULL GET US INTO TROUBLE"

FELLA IN PRISON SAID ITS COLD IN THIS CELL THE WARDEN SAID ...ILL PUT YA ANOTHER BAR ON

A FELLA WALKS IN TO A CHIPPIE AND SAYS "60P WORTH OF CHIPS YOU FAT  FKKR " THE FELLA SAYS U CANT TALK TO ME LIKE THAT ,COME ROUND THIS SIDE AND ILL SHOW YOU THE PROPER WAY HE GOES ROUND THE FRONT AND SAYS ....COULD I LEASE HAVE 60P WORTH OF CHIPS ...THE FELLA SAYS FK OFF YOU WOULDNT SERVE ME

IRISHMAN GOES FOR A JOB ON THE BUILDING SITE ,FOREMAN SAYS WHATS YA NAME HE SAYS PADDY MULLIGAN ......HOW DO YOU SPELL IT ....HE SAYS STICK THE JOB UP YA AR..ZSE

A FELLA WALKS INTO A CHIP SHOP HE SAYS U SURE THIS FISH WAS COOKED ,HE SAYS AYE ,ITS ETT ALL THE FKKIN CHIPS

AN IRISHMAN HAD 6 LITTLE KIDS ,HIM AND HIS MISSUS SLEOT UP THE TOP AND THE LITTLE UNS AT THE BOTTOM ,HE BOUGHT EM ALL TIN HELMETS ,ONE NIGHT HE TURNS TO HIS MISSSUS AND SAYS .."BRIDGETTE YOU LOOK AS LUVVLY TONIGHT AS U DID THE FIRST NIGHT I MET YA" AND A LITTLE VOICE AT THE END OF THE BED SAID ,"HANG ON TO YA HELMETS LADS HERE WE GO AGAIN

FAO johnnywilkinson , I have just wasted 2 minutes of my life reading your so called jokes . Please for the sake of human kind , i'm begging you - please DO NOT post your "jokes" on here again .

the one about the teapot and the forklift was funny imo

hymee and solly are  walking down the street ,solly finds a wage packet on the  floor opens it and there is  over 900 pounds in  cash in it ,hymee says, "solly you are a lucky coont".........lucky? says solly ,look at the fecking tax i paid !

My son said, "Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?"

I said, "I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted the most gorgeous blonde I'd ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her."

He said, "So what happened?"

I said, "Nothing. Unfortunately the arrow missed and hit your mother."

Not jokes persay but a list of actual broadcast double entendres

1. Michael Buerk, as he watched Phillippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

2. Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on 'This Morning': "She was practising fastest finger first on her own in bed last night."

3. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

4. Carenza Lewis, about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live', said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

5. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and hadn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" (The weatherman and half the crew were so helpless with laughter they had to leave the set.)

6. Our best source, as ever, is the sports programme... Bobby Simpson, commenting on cricketer Neil Fairbrother's shot: "With his lovely soft hands, he just tossed it off."

7. Mike Hallett, discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

8. Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing:
"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wishes he had a hard on now."

9. 'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead:
"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

10. Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

11. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open (an old favourite):
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

12. James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

13. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

14. Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race
when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

15. US PGA Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .....
Oh my god, what have I just said?!"

16. Metro Radio:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

17. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 (the most famous of all?):
"Ah, isn't that nice? The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

18. New Zealand Rugby Commentator:
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

19. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator:
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the co ck was missing.
He knew about co ck fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a co ck?" All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a co ck?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my co ck?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.