An Irishman goes to his village Doctor with botty problems....

"Doctor, it's me bottam. I'd like ya ta take a look, if ya would".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.



"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Well for goodnessake take it out man! "shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Doctor, thank ya kindly, dat's much butter. Just out of interest, how much was in there then?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, that'd be right", says the Irishman...........


"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

The latest Australian drug... Rolfhypnol

Is this chewing thing all that new?

I can remember Norman 'Bites your Legs' Hunter from the 1970s.

Something like that anyway....

Woman takes her young boy to docs.

"Doc can you help please, he just won`t stop playing with himself"?

"Listen son you must stop it, it`s not healthy", says the doc.

"But I enjoy it doc", says the boy.

"If you don`t stop now son", replies the doc, "You`ll go blind!"

"Well", says the boy, "Can I do it until I`m needing glasses"?

Just took an new insurance policy out at £10 a month and I get £1,000,000 if it matures. Only problem being, the house needs to get struck by an iceberg!

Local Orangeman, very drunk, caused a scene in bookies today. Seemingly he bet a 10/1 winner but it got disqualified.

"But, I still get paid", he`s yelling at the staff, "I`m telling you I definitely had FTP on the line"!

^

A Freudian slip Misterbadger he meant First Past Post (FPP)

A joke is no good if one has to explain it

so what does FTP mean? sorry

No wonder I didn't get it

I'm not one to knock peoples jokes but that was really bad, and dare I say, not even a joke if you have to guess what 3 random letters are suppose to stand for.

It`s a very funny Scottish joke

You need to be Scottish and clever to get it

Lost in  translation

I'm half way there, but i'm not Scottish

You need to be Scottish and clever to get it

can't be many who get it then 

Now, it's often important to find out who is to blame when things go wrong but come on, seriously?

Latest Stella Awards

It's time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck of New Mexico who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States.

Here are this year's winners:

7th Place: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

6th Place: 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

5th Place: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms.Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place: This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

A note regarding this is that all of the above cases are, in fact, urban myths and despite their popularity around the Internet have more to do with big corporate pressure groups trying to remove power from the individual than the World slowly going mad. See www.knowyourrights.com for more details!

I'll never forget my wife's last words on her death bed.

"Hold me tight love" she said,"I'm freezing."

I thought it ironic as I''d been giving her antifreeze for weeks.

A policeman knocked on my door earlier and said, "It looks like your wife's been in an accident."

I replied "true, but shes a cracking cook and keeps the kids quiet"

Great stuff guys,

SirFresh, threads are like doors.....you can open them or close them. HTH

I was 28 the other day and as a treat I had bacon sandwiches for breakfast.  I usually grill my bacon but on that occasion I thought: "It's my birthday and I'll fry if I want to."

Walking through the park today I saw a hot young girl in a short dress sat reading a magazine. I thought if I'm lucky I might be able to get a glimpse up her skirt as I pass.

Didn't turn out well though, I ended up putting my ear in some dog sh*t.