I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.



I tried to catch some fog. I mist.



When chemists die, they barium.



Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.



A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now considered a seasoned veteran.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.



How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!



Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?



When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.



I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.



All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.



I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.



Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro, what a rip-off

Whilst holidaying in Madrid with the lads, my mate Dave suffered a heart attack in a bar, however we were all surprised when he was skillfully revived by a retired Doctor who appeared out of nowhere...

... No one expects the Spanish Ex-Physician.

Every Saturday night its the same . Two pissed up ****s sitting on my wall . They are so loud and the language is disgusting.
I've tried to get s restraining order , but the police said maybe I should try talking to my wife and daughter..

My mrs said to me last night, "what would you do if I had a stroke?"

"Get an erection probably" I replied.

Singer Neil Diamond started his career as Neil Coal, he changed his name when the pressure got to him.

Little Johnny's Breakfast - - - - -


A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada . Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.

"I got fired today," I told my mate, "for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."

"That's a bit harsh," he replied.

"They don't f*ck around at Air Traffic Control," I said.

On a recent trip to the U.S., Tony Blair, addressed a major gathering, of Native American Indians. 
He spoke for over an hour, and at the  conclusion of his speech, his hosts presented him with a plaque, inscribed  with his new Native American Indian name - "Walking Eagle". 
A chuffed Blair, then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds. 
A news reporter later asked one of the Native American Indians, as to how they had  come to select the new name, that had been given to Tony Blair.  They explained that, "Walking Eagle", is the name given to a bird, so full of sh1t, that it can no longer fly...

Charlie was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just kidding you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

.

Apparently Oscar Pistorius wanted a new bathroom door ,but his girlfriend was dead against it .

Blokes in the bank with his wife....guy in front has his hood up , gets to the front and pulls a gun....'GIMME THE MONEY AND NOBODY GETS HURT' !!!!!.....the hood falls down very briefly...'DID YOU SEE MY FACE'!!!! he screams at the cashier.....'yes' she says....he shoots her in the head.....turns to the bloke behind 'DID YOU SEE MY FACE' !!!!....ER...'no' he says......but I think the wife did !!!!!!!

"I caught my twelve-year-old son looking up women's skirts today," I told the barman after my second whiskey.

"That's pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn't it?" he asked.

"Not on eBay it isn't!" I said.

My wife packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman.

"I want you to go!" she screamed.

I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?"

"Go on, I'm listening." she replied.

I sat down and said, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."

I'm not saying I need a pube trimmer, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful! How did you do it?"

"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people – that’s incredible! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, “This is your **** before prison .... "

One of my grandchildren asked me to do an impression of a frog.

I asked her why.

She answered 'Nanny said when you croak, we're all going to Disneyland.'