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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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There was one of those yellow signs the police use put up in the town centre.
It said 'Imam assault on Friday night. Can you help?' I got there at 6-00 p.m. with a baseball bat. By midnight I was still on my own, the police didn't turn up - bastards. |
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A husband came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to..to..Cut it off, are you?" The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire!"
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An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's mohawk is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings. When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says, "What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?" The old guy says in reply "Yeah. One time I screwed a peacock. I thought maybe you were my kid."
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A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. So he decided to test it on himself first.
He inserted his dick into the equipment, turned the switch on, and voila, everything else was automatic! He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. However, when the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument - some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less - but still he had no success getting out of it. Panicking, he just barely reached the phone and called the supplier's customer service hotline. The farmer: "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow's udder?" Customer Service: "Don't worry. The machine is programmed to release automatically after collecting about 2 gallons." |
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Chris Huhne wishes he could 'turn back the clock'. Which let's face it, is yet another serious motoring offence.
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Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought
his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.... "You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!" Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that **** I promised you?" "Well, here it comes." |
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Talk about ruin a joke. slow bob replace s with b and b with j
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My doctor told me today that I need to watch what I eat.
Off to the races this weekend then. |
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For breakfast I had Findus Mini Burgers,for elevensies I had a Burger King, for lunch a Tesco QuarterPounder and just now a Findus Steaklet.
Horses Four Courses. |
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Just had a call from the police asking if my credit card had been stolen.
When I replied " No, why's that?" They replied "it ain't been used in the Off Licence since Tuesday!" |
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golfnut.... |
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Emma **** 1st. Then I ****. Then 2 asses **** together. I **** once more. Then 2 asses - they **** together again. I **** again and pee twice. Then I **** one last time.
HOW TO SPELL MISSISSIPPI!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Emma **** 1st. Then I ****. Then 2 asses **** together. I **** once more. Then 2 asses - they **** together again. I **** again and pee twice. Then I **** one last time.
HOW TO SPELL MISSISSIPPI!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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"Why don't you shave all your pubes off, love?" she said, handing me the razor. "It will make your c*ck look massive."
Bit forward, I thought, for a vasectomy nurse. |
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You kinda get the feeling that the next Specsavers advert will feature cows, horses and a slaughterhouse.
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onight's the night I get to try an*l for the first tine ..
That's the beauty of being a rapist, you can plan ahead with 100 percent certainty.. |
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A Texan walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks Paddy. The Texan answers, "Yes," and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" Paddy Murphy replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first." |
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Muslims bomb mosque/shrine in the name of allah, now that's hilarious
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Two horses got lost in a neighbouring factory, wondering around everywhere.
It`s ok said one horse, they`ll findus soon. |
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oh, dear
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To be honest I've been bricking it since eating a Findus Lasagne on Friday.
Today I finally went to the toilet. Relief, it was good to firm and soft in places. |
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good 1 bigmo 9 0n the pedometer
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My dyslexic gay mate couldn't wait for today, he thinks it's Vaseline Day!
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Wife......Did you book a table for tonight darling?
Him...yeah for 9 pm.. Wife...But it closes at 10! Him....Yeah but its enough time for one frame!.... |
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Roses are red
Violets are glorious Never surprise Oscar Pistorious |
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Roses are red
Apples are fruity Watch your lasagne It might be Black Beauty! |
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Gaza went to see Mohamed Ali yesterday - their still shaking hands.
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sheikhing shirley?
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After working out in the gym, Bill, a gay man was in the changing room. He was watching this well-built guy rub vaseline on his chest and, after watching for a few minutes Bill decided to ask why. The guy replied, "It makes the hair grow."
Bill didn't have much hair on his chest, and thought that maybe his boyfriend would like it if he did, so on his way home he stopped off at the chemist and bought a tub of vaseline. When his boyfriend walked in later that night and found Bill rubbing vaseline on his chest, he asked him what the hell he was doing. So Bill explained his lover what the guy at the gym told him about it making hair grow. His boyfriend replied, "You idiot, if it really made hair grow you would have a ponytail growing out of your arse by now." |
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What's blue and full of Haribo?
Kevin Webster's overalls |
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get yer coat d1ckhead.
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In a minute he'll be suggesting he's seen Kevin Webster down the garage. . . . working on a 13 year old escort
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My wife called me a freak for being so obsessed with ****s.
Boy did I give her a mouthful. |
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bl*w jobs
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