hit....

I won the meat raffle in the pub.....

.....wasn't the answer my kids were expecting when they asked how I met their mother.

By: Winner_Winner_Chicken_Diner Date Joined: 27 Feb 10
Add contact | Send message When: 04 Jan 13 17:00 Joined: Date Joined: 27 Feb 10 | Topic/replies: 12,072 | Blogger: Winner_Winner_Chicken_Diner's blog
A carrot is driving to work one day, when suddenly there's a terrible accident and he has to go to the hospital.
His wife rushes over to the hospital to check up on him as soon as she hears the news. She is in the waiting room for ten minutes before the doctor comes out to speak with her.

"Oh, Doctor?" She pleads, "Is my husband going to be okay?"

"I'm so sorry, Miss," The doctor replies sadly. "He's a vegetable."
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By: C.F.KANE Date Joined: 30 Oct 10
Add contact | Send message When: 04 Jan 13 20:02 Joined: Date Joined: 30 Oct 10 | Topic/replies: 888 | Blogger: C.F.KANE's blog
^^^^

Jesus H Fkin Christ without a doubt the worst effort at a joke anyone has ever had the misfortune to read 


I have to agree Chicken deary me we saw that coming fro the first word

A couple are lying in bed, on their 20th wedding anniversary. The woman suddenly feels her husband touching her in ways that he hadn't done in years. He started at her neck, and slowly traced a line downward, past the small of her back. He caressed one shoulder, then the other, and continued down across her breasts, stopping just below her navel.

Next, he placed his hand on her left inner arm, and caressed down her side, stopping at her hip. He started over again on her right side, then brushed gently across her buttocks, and down her leg. As his hand was making its way up the inside of her left leg, he abruptly stopped and rolled over.

She had become very aroused by all of this attention, and asked in a loving voice, "That was amazing, darling. Why did you stop?"

He cleared his throat, looked at her and said


Found the remote

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey

a man met a beautiful lady....  9.5/10

the "I used to be a hooker" joke is better imo - round about page 25

I've just heard Ikea are going to sponsor liverpool providing they play a flat pack 4

An Englishman, a Scottish man and am Irishman

Were  were all working on a building site and just as it hits dinnertime, take out their sandwiches.

Englishman says “I hope my wife hasn't done me cheese sandwiches, if she has im jumping off this roof!”. So he opens his bag, sees his cheese sandwich and then jumps off the roof to his death.

The Scottish man then says to the irish man, “well, if my lady has done me tuna sandwiches I’m jumping off as well”. Sure enough when he opens his bag and sees his tuna sandwich, he also jumps off the roof and dies.

Irish man then thinks to himself, well, if I’ve got ham sandwiches that’s it im jumping. As he checks his sandwich, he sees the ham then takes a running jump off the roof and plummets to his death.

At the funeral the wives of the dead builders are in tears. The Englishman’s wife turns around and says, “I thought he loved his cheese sandwiches”, then the scottishmans wife replies “and I always thought tuna was his favourite”. The Irishman’s wife then says… “I don’t know why he jumped off… he made his own sandwiches!”

John just bought a new rifle and he couldn't wait to try it out. He decided he would try his hand at hunting bears.
On his hunting trip, John spotted a small brown bear and shot it. A couple seconds after he shot, John felt a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to see a big black bear standing there. The black bear said, That was my cousin you shot.
You've got two choices; either I maul you to death or we have sex.

After considering his options for a moment, John reluctantly decided to have sex with the bear.
Even though he was sore for two weeks, John soon recovered and vowed to get his revenge on the big black bear.

John headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Again he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to find a big grizzly bear standing right next to him. The grizzly said, You've made a big mistake, John. That black bear was my cousin and now you've got two choices; either I maul you to death or we have rough sex. Once again, John agreed to the sex.

John barely survived and it took several months for him to recover. He was determined to get his revenge on the grizzly. John headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. Finally, revenge was his, but then there was yet another tap on his shoulder! John turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him with a sneer and said,

Admit it, John, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?

great thread bigmo, ive read them all over the last few months!

I'll never join one of those online dating services. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way.

Through alcohol and poor judgement.

"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"

And with tears streaming down my face, I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel ever again!!!

My Missus decided to wear a burka for a week just to see what the public reaction was like.
The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the ar*e and received death threats.
F@#k knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house.

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on E-Bay

I put an offer in on a Mickey Mouse outfit and now it seems I'm only 15 minutes away from owning Aston Villa.....

How do you know when you have a jet plane full of English people?
When they turn off the engine you can still hear the whining!

In a club last night and this really ugly girl came up to me,squeezed my ar*e and said "give me your phone number sexy",I said"have you got a pen" . She smiled and said"yes"  I said "we'll f*ck off back to it ,before the farmer notices you're missing".

My friends and I are having a shoplifting competition in Halfords today...

I'm not in it to win, it's the taking parts that counts.