Sometimes when I can't sleep I try counting sheep, but my ADHD is a feckin nightmare.



One sheep, two sheep, dog, pig, old McDonald, Hey Macarena!

Cheap Flights

Patrick and Murphy are talking over a pint of Guinness at their local bar.

Patrick said to Murphy “A strange thing happened at home last night"

Murphy inquired "And what was that"

Patrick answered “The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer"

Murphy - "And what did you tell her"

Patrick - "I told her I was looking for cheap flights"

Murphy - " So what did she say about that”

Patrick - " She said she loved me, threw me on the floor and we had the most amazing sex"

Murphy - “I’ll bet that suprised you Pat”

Patrick - “That it did Murphy, she's never shown the remotest interest in darts before."

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."

I said "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....",

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fecking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs.....

"Your badge,your badge show him your fecking BADGE!!"

These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries
in NHS Greater Glasgow



1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.


2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.


3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.


4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.


5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.


6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.


7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.


8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.


9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.


10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.


11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.


12. She is numb from her toes down.


13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.


14. The skin was moist and dry.


15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.


16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.


17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.


18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.


19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.


20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.


21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.


22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.


23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.


24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.


25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.


26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.


28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.


29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.


30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.


31.. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.


32. The patient was to have a bowel resection.. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.


33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

For the sake of your health - stay away from hospital

A man came out of the village pub, drunk, an hour before closing time. He lived on the other side of the village, and as it was pouring with rain, he decided to take a short cut via the cemetery. It was pitch dark, and he stumbled and fell into a grave that had been dug for a funeral. He tried in vain to climb out but the rain had made the sides too smooth, and eventually he slumoped to the ground, exhausted.

An hour later another drunk from the pub decided to cut across the cemetery. He lurched about, stumbled and fell into the same grave. As he was busy trying climg the rain soaked sides of the grave and failing each time, and the rain continued to pur heavily. Above the noise of the rain he heard a voice whisper 'You'll never get out.' 

But he did.

^

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.

My wife manages to get on every f-----g one of them!

The wife was counting all the 5 and 10 cents out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

I've just gone around my neighbours garden and smashed up his greenhouse.

Hasn't he heard about the effect they have on the environment?

Anyone heard the joke about Elton John?



It's a little bit funny

My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you....he is in Prison.

met up with my brother today and we talked about how competetive we were when we were younger.........oh how we laughed..........but i laughed the longest

cheers m8.

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

Lance Armstrong has flown into New York to deny doping claims. It would have been more convincing if he'd used a plane.

Tony Blackburn was invited to a pool party. When he turned up he had Jimmy Saville and Gary Glitter with him. The party thrower said,"You deaf **** I said bring a pair of Speedos"

Ill get my coat.

What do you call a woman that wants to kiss and cuddle after sex?



A taxi......

My pet mouse Elvis died last night...got caught in a trap.

I went on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday this summer. Never again.