Apparently, towels are the biggest cause of dry skin.

It were going to be t'wedding of the year at Rossington Register Office.
Mike Litoris, the greasy Greek from t'kebab shop on Pit Lane were having to marry Mucky Morag from Mytholmroyd. It were a pit bull wedding, as Morag's Dad didn't 'ave a shotgun.

Yes, Morag had a bun in t'oven but by the looks of her, it were a full wedding cake.
Mike claimed it were a grudge baby and some bugger had had it in for him, but no one argued with Morag's Dad. Morag wasn't pretty, in fact it were said she'd bin a model for t'gargoyles on York Minster.

Rossington is a bit like Harrogate, but for folks wi' no teeth and Mike was no exception. He drank too much, once from 1982 to 2004 and went round apologising to everyone he met in case he'd offended them. After saying that, he must have had a good memory, as he could be pissed as a fart, face down in a urinal, yet still remember all the words to 'My way'.

He'd somehow managed to get a job as Butler/Chauffeur/Gardner to Lord Harewood for many years and when he was finally fired, like a fire, he was quite put out.

He said to his Lordship that he'd been with the family for many years to which his Lordship replied that so had syphilis and to bugger off. He'd picked up some good manners from the aristocracy whilst at Harewood House though, like taking the dishes out of the kitchen sink before pissing in it and this helped him a lot with women.

He'd had loads of girlfriends and fathered lots of illegitimate children and got away with it. In fact the local vicar tried to explain to him that there were other ways of showing affection towards women other than giving 'em kids. Mike told him that he was getting married to his latest conquest and the vicar said that rather than tying the knot he should just try tying a knot in it. Anyway Mike was quite smitten when he first saw Morag.

It were at the Cullingworth Christmas ****-Fight and he'd gone along with his mate Merv. He noticed this big fat lass cracking walnuts with her eyelids and chewing on a baked hedgehog. His first impression was that she had far too much makeup and looked like a promiscuous tart. Just his type. " Marks out of ten ? " said Merv. "I'd give 'er one." said Mike.

He strolled over and tried one of his chat up lines " You've got nice legs, what time do they open? " Well Morag didn't mess around, she just twatted 'im. " Bloody 'ell lass, that were a reet good 'un. What's yer phone number ?" Morag said it was in the book. So he asked her for her name and she said that were in't book an'all.

She actually knew who Mike was and was quite interested, as a mate had pointed him out and told her he'd got two ****. She really was big and once tried computer dating but gave up when it had matched her with Ben Nevis.

Eventually she told him her name was Morag and she'd just come out of prison because she'd liked a book. Sadly it was her Gran's pension book. Somewhat perversely she'd got a job in the prison library and that had given her a new direction in life, stealing from book shops.

Well he were smitten. Love after first ****, as they say in Rossington.
He took her to the **** and Knackers for a few pints and over did the drinking a bit and couldn't walk. He said " Will you carry me ? " and she thought he'd said marry, so said " yes " and that was it.

I've waffled on a bit so lets' get back to the wedding. Arriving at the registry office the first thing the guests saw was Sid, landlord of the afore mentioned
T & K, selling multicoloured confetti. He did a roaring trade but people wouldn't have been too pleased if they'd known that Sid had merely swept up all the puke from Mike's bachelor night and dried it out in the oven.

Mike arrived in a brown suit he'd got from the Oxfam shop and looked like a pox doctor's clerk. Morag had borrowed her Mum's old yellow boob tube. The best man, Merv, giggled and said she looked like a zeppelin in a condom.
The trouble was, Mike heard him and took offence. Well just one piece actually and belted Merv on the back of the head with it.

Everyone got stuck in and it were a right to do, so the wedding was cancelled. If it ever 'appens I'll tell you all about it.

a bloke was walking round town with a cauliflower on his head.
a woman asked him why he was doing this

"i allways walk round with a cauliflower on my head on a monday",he replied!

"but its tuesday today",said the woman!

"oooooh,i do feel a fool",said the bloke!

there was a rape in the area so the police asked Paddy if he would mind standing in an identity parade!

the woman came out and Paddy said,"yes,thats definately her"

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today..
Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean  what I thought it did '

Syphillis 1918:
Ghonorea 1944:
Polio 1957:
Rangers 2012:

Eventually they find a cure for every disease.

I woke up this morning and my wife was out.

There was a note stuck to the fridge saying, 'I can't cope, it's clearly not working, I'm going to stay at my mums'.

I don't know what the fat cow is talking about, I just felt the milk and it's cold.

HH

HH

I'm not saying my wife's a greedy cow, but when she burns her mouth on her dinner it's usually down to friction.

I went to an 80's disco at the weekend and had a bit too much to drink...they played Jump by Van Halen and I was leaping around the dance floor, then Walk like an Egyptian by The Bangles and I did a silly Egyptian walk. Unfortunately the next song was Come on Eileen and I was asked to leave.

I'm holding a seminar for people who have difficulty reaching orgasm, this Saturday.

if anybody can't come then please let me know.

"Say hello to my little friend"

Great Movie Quote.

Terrible bedroom talk.

I've always found the letter "n" divides opinion.

This is serious. Please BEWARE!

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen. Their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look especially with all the rain we have been having.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Tesco in Reading. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also November 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.

So Be Warned!

P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £2.99 each

Mark Lawrenson during the Germany v Italy game "Germany need to step on the gas"..

Woah Mark...Let's not encourage them to do that again.

Wots a "lobster thermidor " & a bl0w job got in common............




You cant get either of em at home.

Little Johnny asks his dad for a telly in his room.

He reluctantly agrees.

Next day Johnny comes downstairs and asks

'Dad what is love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Johnny all about sex.

Johnny sits there with mouth open in amazement.

Dad says 'so what were you watching?'

Johnny replies 'Tennis'.