some good work there bigmo

Great stuff mo

This guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him up and says, 'there's this dwarf with a speech impediment I know who wants to buy a horse, so I've sent him round to see you.'

Sure enough the dwarf turns up. The owner asks him, 'do you want a male horse or a female horse?' 'A female horth', the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. 'Nith horth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?' So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. 'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?' Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. 'Nith teeth, can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. 'Nith eerth' he says 'now, can I see her twot?' With this the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina, he holds him there for a second before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says, 'maybe I should wefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound!'

although should be "can I thee her run around!" shirley...

When Emile Heskey discovered he was going to be released from
Aston Villa he went on a crazy shooting spree in Birmingham.
No one was hurt.

Paddy is an Australian hospital. He tried to sh*g a kangaroo under a bridge...

My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed thinking.. "Wow, I can teleport".
-----------------

Unless you went to Catholic boarding school.

0%profit     10 May 12 16:43 
They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends.

I hope it's Michael - he's super cute.

Took the wife to the quacks to sort her tourettes

Turns out she hasn'e got it, in fact i AM a ba$ tard & she does actually want me to F cuk off

Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, “When you’re in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy says, “I’d like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I’d like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I’d like to hear them say……LOOK, HE’S MOVING! @

Dear Skool.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and
his boots leak.

As I was walking down the road beside the prison I noticed a rope ladder appear over the wall and then this midget began to climb down it. Just before he reached bottom he looked at me in a rather smug, supercilious fashion.

I thought - that was a little condescending

Joey Barton assaulted outside Liverpool nightclub.

Police are said to be treating the incident as hilarious.

Bit of breaking news.....An Irish man who took Ryanair to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow.

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

walcott and chamberlains familys wont go to euros because of racism!!

cant they just stay in a different hotel to John Terry!

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

what do u say to a Russian hooker?

"on yerbackyerbitch!"