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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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Suspended Terry can lift trophy, say Uefa.
Not sure why Bayern Munich would want him joining in their celebration. |
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As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams..."I'm not dead, I'm not dead.Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too fkin late pal, the paperworks already done" |
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Suspended Terry can lift trophy, say Uefa.
Not sure why Bayern Munich would want him joining in their celebration.  |
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teacher says to class "gimme a 10 letter word" a boy says " masturbate"
teacher says "ooh that's a mouthful" boy replies "no that's a **** and that's only 7 |
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The FA have released a statement saying we have chosen Roy Hodgson for one main reason.
Harry couldn't sign his own name. |
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Lukas Podolski "I'm moving to Arsenal to win trophies".
And they say the Germans haven't got a sense of humour. |
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SUN offers £1000 to any journalist who can get Hodgson to say he wants to improve Englands ranking.
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Seen some tasty game on Sky Sports tonight...
And it wasn't the football. |
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My mates thinks he knows everything...told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry......
So i smashed him over the head with a coconut!....bloody know alls! |
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Not saying she's easy, but her rape alarm had a snooze button
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They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends.
I hope it's Michael - he's super cute. |
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a nurse digs into her bag for a pen to write a cheque and pulls out a rectal thermometer...... great she sighs ....some 4rsehole's got my pen
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Bit of footy trivia.
Did you know Manchester United player Danney Welbeck's South African grandad was a bomb desposal expert in WW11 Yes its true his name was STAN |
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Got all excited when my girlfriend told me she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch, turns out she loves Alan, my best mate. |
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I walked into the pub and the barman said, "Your wife looked quite ravishing last night. Now what can I get you Bob?"
"Whatever you've been drinking, mate." |
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How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese?
Caerphilly. |
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A court case between two adult film stars hit the headlines today.
Brock Hardman claims that during a scene shoot, an overly emthusiastic bout of oral sex left him with a misshapen pe nis. Defendant, Irina Gobaloff says it's just been blown out of all proportion. |
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what a n0b
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Im so angry after i just heard tens of thousands of Manchester City fans are expected to line the streets later for a victory parade after the club won the Premier League title.
As if I don't have enough problems getting to work and back in central London |
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Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her." |
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Kenny Dalglish. Worst 'Pool manager since Micheal Barrymore
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The FA confirmed Duran Duran to release 2012 song: "His name is
Rio and he watches from the stands". |
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Kenny Dalglish has always being regarded as one of their own by Liverpool fans
this has been hightened by the fact that he is now unemployed. |
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After a trophyless season and a run of disappointing results Man Utd this morning announced the sacking of Howard Webb...
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A Mother became pregnant, and asked her young son ,
"Tony, what do you want the most, a sister or a brother?" Little Tony replied, "Ideally, I want a rocking horse, but I bet your **** can't handle that." |
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I wonder if Christopher Reeve ever tried spinning his chair counter-clockwise, really fast.
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Ashamed of my wife and with my boss wanting to go out to dinner with us, I took to the streets to find someone who could replace her for the night.
I walked over to a sexy blonde and said "Would you mind pretending to be my wife?" "**** off you freak!" She shouted "That's brilliant" I said "I'll see you tonight." |
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My mate reckons he's just seen my wife sucking some f u c k e r off around the back of the pub.
No way could it have been her, she hates giving ****s. |
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B l o w j o b s ffs
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I think people should stop the disgusting jokes about the sad death of Donna Summer.
Enough is Enough. |
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My wife wants a Manchester United tonight.
I'm on top for ages and come second. |
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My wife was getting undressed to come to bed last night and said "I forgot to tell you..Angela found out on her 40th Birthday that Dave has been sleeping with a 19 year old glamour model !"
"That's disgusting" I replied "Dave is a creep isn't he?" she asked. "Dave is a lucky b*stard" I replied "I was talking about you with no clothes on." |
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Eamonn Holmes is to present a new chat show on SKY, his first new presenting job in five years.
Good to see him bouncing back. |
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A healthy sex life is what keeps my marriage strong.
And it will continue too as long as my wife doesn't find out. |
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Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be
reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried. |
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife
called it the Dead Sea. A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering. |
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A man called his mother in Florida,
"Mom, how are you?" " Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call." |
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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part
in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody." |
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Did you hear about the vagrant who walked up to a Jewish mother on
the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied. Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised? A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off. |
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Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be
reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried. |