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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Try this puzzle... This maths sequence can predict your favourite film. Mine was Jaws. Not sure on how it works, but it does.
Pick a number between 1-9 Multiply by 3 add 3 to that number Multiply again by 3 Add the two digits together ANSWERS 3 Oliver Twist 4 Star wars 5 Forrest Gump 6 Saving Private Ryan 7 Jaws 8 Grease 9 The joy of 4nal sex with male goats and leather clad, oiled up, c0ck craving gay boys 10 Mary poppins |
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A Drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. 'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really,really hard on the top of its head The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks was delivered.. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... 'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!' |
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Italian Virginity Test Kit
Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit. A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel." Mario asks, "And what do I do with these things, doc?" The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen", hit her with the shovel.' |
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My laptop keeps playing 'Rolling in the Deep' - I think it must be a Dell
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My neighbour found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says.................. "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week." |
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Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Here is proof that they are wrong. A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "it'd be nice to have another baby". You never hear a bloke say " I wouldn't mind another kick in the nuts". Case closed. |
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A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles
While taking a bath. "Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied. |
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The creator of Red Bull died three days ago.
Coroners are still unable to close his eyes. |
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Being told that there is a cure for dyslexia is music to my arse.
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bigmo 23 Mar 12 10:34
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles While taking a bath. "Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied.   |
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Half of the word doesn't know how.
The other half lives. |
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It was my girl's big day and everyone was tense!
So I decided to use humour, as I addressed the reception. "I don't feel like I'm losing a daughter" I said, whilst looking towards her fiance. "But like I'm gaining a spare room" No one laughed! It was probably the poor acoustics in the crematorium |
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I'm not sure who invented the halal meat-slicer but I bet Abu Hamza had a hand in it!
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My doctor was checking my balls for any lumps the other day.
It got awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair. |
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Young Jacob asked his dad for twenty pounds.
His dad went ballistic and screamed "Twenty pounds....you're asking me for ten pounds.... .....what do you want with five pounds anyway"? |
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Davy Jones gets to heaven where the first people he meets are whitney houston and amy winehouse. He starts singing "hey hey its the junkies.."
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Jock Wilson has died at the age of 62.. Double 11 , Double Top what a finish
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Jocky Wilson has died the age of 62.
The title of Scotlands oldest man now passes to 54 year old Hamish Weir of Perth. |
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you´re not very funny cliveyboy.
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actually I thought it was very funny
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I was in town yesterday and I thought I'd spotted a superhero when I saw a man running down the street wearing a cape.
Turned out it was some twaat who hadn't paid for his haircut. |
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My wife's leaving me because I'm so arrogant.
I told her to close the door on her way back in. |
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"I made a new discovery at work today," I said to my wife with a chuckle.
"You've worked at Land Rover for a week, and that joke's already wearing thin," she groaned. |
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I could feel her fall in love with me as I swept her off her feet
and into my van |
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Just been sent this and not heard it before:
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said 'Son we'd give you one but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 and your mother just lost her job.There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage and no bloody bike! |
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I like my women how i like my Liverpool defence
Vulnerable and easy to get through |
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I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company.
I'm now the main stake holder. |
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^ that is utter shyte tbf
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^^
Any fool can criticise, and most fools do!. 48 pages long and badger expects them all to be laugh out loud funny ffs.  |
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Thanks cloughandtaylor. It never fails to amaze me the criticism as soon as someone finds one joke unfunny.When I post a joke I hope the majority of them will make a few people smile. Impossible to win them all. Feel free to post your own MisterBadger.
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Grow up you two. I mrely expressed my opinion, and I stand by that. I never said that I expected them all to be laugh out loud funny, stop making stuff up. You have posted some great jokes bigmo - for which I have shown my appreciation- so stop being so precious ffs.
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German Chancellor Angela Merkel arrives at passport control in Poland:
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer "German" she replies "Occupation?" "Er, no, just here for a few days" |
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Wife texts husband on cold winters morning "Windows frozen"..............? Husband texts back "pour some luke warm water over it"
Wife texts back "computer completely ****ed now |
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How many immature people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Ha, ha, I posted screw. |
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Little Rasta sticks his dik two inches past the bedroom door
"Are you scared Miss Ellie?" "No I'm not scared Little Rasta" Little Rasta sticks his dik four inches past the bedroom door "Are you scared yet Miss Ellie?" "No I'm not scared, I can take it" little Rasta sticks his dik six inches past the bedroom door "Are you still not scared Miss Ellie?" "No, I've seen bigger than that. I can take it all" "Ok, then I'm a coming up the stairs..." |
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I think we are fortunate you have only posted 3 times in 8 years
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I like new jokes.......
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