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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said: "Honestly, do I look fat in this."
I replied: "Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom." |
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Local American lads Jeff & Jim are Siamese twins joined at the hip.
They walk into a bar in New York & order a couple of beers. Barman serves them and asks "You guys been on vacation yet?" "We're off to England next week" says Jeff "We go every year." Barman says "England's great; the culture, history, the Queen... " Jeff replies "We don't go for that ****, it's the only chance Jim gets to drive the ****ing car." |
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Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.
First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, ****." |
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D I C K, come on betfair we are all grown ups!!
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A new biography of the Beastie Boys will be coming out next month, in five volumes.
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... Parts A to D will be readily available in the shops, but you'll have to fight for your right to Part E.
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An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks What is wrong??
The boy says Me ma is dead. Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you? The boy replies No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment. |
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lol@ aziraphale quality
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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!"
And other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary |
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I've given up Viagra for Lent. Not sure how long I'll be able to keep it up.
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A woman was talking to her neighbor about the expensive vet bills
she was facing each year when she takes her dog for a check upand all he seems to do is trim the hair in his ears and it sets me back £60. Why don't you do it yourself get some of the hair remover from the chemist it's only a few qiud you can save yourself some money. Great idea I'll give it a go.So off she goes to the chemist. Speaking to the chemist she asks him for a tube of hair remover. He says excuse me but would you mind if I give you some advice. No not at all. If you usu this under your arms I wouldn't use deodorant for 12 hours. It's not for under my arms. Oh then if you use it on your legs don't wear tights for a day. It,s not for my legs either, It's for my Snauzer Oh i see says the chemist then in that case don't ride a bike for a week. |
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Paddy and Mick were sat in the pub. Paddy says im gonna tell you about my skydive the other day. We got to ten thousand feet and they opened the door, i took one look out and thought no way am i going out there. Mick says what happened next then? Well my instructor who was a big coloured fellow dropped his pants and said Paddy if you dont jump youre gonna get this 14 inch baby up your ar se. Well did you jump then paddy? Just a little bit when it first went in!!!
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An oldie,but one of my favs.
Two elderly mates go in the pub and Bill,who's a bit deaf,heads for the bar."Ask him who the Artiste is tonight",Fred says. On asking the barman,he's told it's Country and Western.When Bill returns with the drinks,Fred asks him who's on. "OOoh",says Bill,"Some **** from Preston." |
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29th Feb, the only time a bloke does'nt want to see his girlfriend on her knee's in front of him.
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Tried those new Walkers mystery flavour crisps, I swear they taste like my girlfriends f*nny, I thought it was my imagination but everyone in the pub said the same.
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In a statement issued earlier, John Terry has expressed his sadness at hearing
that one of the Monkees was dead. "Which one was it? " ha asked "Ferdinand or Evra" |
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you see, that last joke would be funnier without the last line imo... leaving the listener to work it out for himself
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Today Tesco had announced 20k new jobs will be soon available in the uk, the prime minister of poland has welcomed the news.
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I’m not saying my wife is a slag but even the labels in her knickers say next.
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Statistics show that 6 out of 7 Dwarfs are not happy....
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Kiddie goes to Confrssion....................Ive had a wh^nk over my older sister.
"Thats unforgiveable................espeshally as you have 2 luvelly brothers" |
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Golf Ethics question
What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway. Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match." You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!" The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole. Now here is the ethical dilemma: Do you pull the cheating b*st*rd’s ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut. |
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I said to my wife "That's amazing, I've never seen you put the phone down after only ten minutes.
How come?" She said, "It was a wrong number." |
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My Doctor was checking my balls for lumps the other day............It only got awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair!
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As a struggling actor I was thrilled when my agent phoned with an audition.
"The part's made for you," he said. "They want someone your age, height and build with an accent like yours, and it's being filmed about 5 minutes from your house." "It sounds perfect!" I replied excitedly. "What is it?" "It's a Crimewatch rape reconstruction." "Erm... No... I'm busy that day..."  |
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Murphy & Mary decide to try a 69.
Murphy's never done one before so mary says she'll show him! She tells him to lie on the floor & squats over him, as she lowers herself onto his face she f@rts, apologising! she tries again but f@rts again. Murphy jumps up & storms out yelling ""i'll be f**ked if im hanging around for another 67 of them"" |
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The I.R.A rang a Dublin pet shop and warned they had planted a bomb and it was going off in half an hour so they better get out.
The owner said,"whaat about the tortoise?" |
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Just seen a fat bird with a T-shirt on that said "I LOVE HIP HOP".... I think the C and the S's fell off.
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Apparently, The Queen likes to refer to her christmas broadcast as 'The One Show'.
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Manchester United's Europa clash versus Athletic Bilbao reminds me of a night out I had when I got diarrhoea.
Sh*t over both legs. |
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Last night my wife walked in the bedroom stark naked and announced "I need something long, stiff and full of come".
I lent her one of my socks. |
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Polish man goes to specsavers for an eye test. Optician shows him the test card with
C Z W J X N Y S A C Z and asks him "Can you read that?" The Pole says "Read it?", " I Know the cnt" |
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apologies in advance...
Whats the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls? You cant unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork |
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My girlfriend reckons that a small penis shouldn't effect our sex life.
She may be right, but I'd prefer it if she didn't have one. |
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When Torres scored, he lifted his shirt to reveal a touching message: "Free Nelson Mandela"
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an irishman got ejected from a club for being drunk,
he shouted to the bouncer, "come out here and throw me out"  |
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a bloke went in a pub,when he got to the bar a tray of peanuts said to him,"thats a nice suit!"
he went over to the cigarete machine it said to him,"f-off you fat c#nt!" when he told the landlord he said, "yes,the peanuts are comlimentary but the machines out of order!" |