Might have been out of order last night. I gave the wife a good slap because my dinner was cold and sub-standard.
On reflection it was probably the restaurants fault.

The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven


Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton Die on the same day and  they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to  Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so  the Angel must
decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why  she should
go to Heaven.


Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're  the most perfect
breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see
them every day, for eternity.'


The Angel thanks Dolly,and asks Her Majesty the same question.The Queen
takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.


Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.


The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks,'What was that all about? I  show you two of
God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees  into a
toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'


'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel,'but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush beats a Pair -
no Matter How Big They Are.

I've just accidentally swallowed a load of Scrabble letters. Going for a sh1t could spell trouble.

Have you seen Frank Carsons gold and diamond coffin with a joke and hat inside?

It's a Cracker!

Pat and his wife Siobhain had been married for 10 years but in all that time she had never once enjoyed sex or nor had she ever had a climax.

She finally went to the doctor to ask his advice. The doctor suggested that she was probably getting too hot during sex and that a fan in the room would maybe do the trick.

She told Pat who went to B&Q to look at electric fans but he was horrified at the price, so he didn't buy one. Instead he asked his old pal Mick Murphy if he would come and waft a towel over him and the wife
while they were on the job. Mick agreed and the experiment was duly arranged.

Pat exerted himself to the utmost but there was still no response from the wife.
"I'll tell you what" said Pat to Mick "lets change places and I'll have a go at that instead"

So they did and in no time at all Siobhain was squealing with delight and had her very first climax.
"And THAT" said Pat jubilantly to Mick,"is how you waft a towel".

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles


and lighten your burden.


Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or


troubles.


Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.

The Mrs has always proclaimed that there is nothing more painful than childbirth;

Clearly never trodden on a plug in the middle of the night then!

rang me mate up last night said hurry up Im in a pub quiz, who sang tiger feet?...he said quick as a flash ..Mud...I said thats right thats right thats right thats right.....

You should treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner... once she stops sucking, change the bag

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day
Apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view'

Isn't the best way to announce number 69

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy.
He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking
and going dizzy.
He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave
to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."

I was working outside this brothel in soho when some fat bird ran over.

"I want your biggest, best and most muscular please", she said slipping me some cash.

I said,"give us 5 minutes it'll be all greased up and ready for you love"

"thanks", she chuckled, "women like me we have needs".

After 5 minutes I called her over...

..."you want cheese, sauce and salad on this burger"? I asked

i thought that

Jayco

HOW TO START A FIGHT:
The Unreasonable Mother-in-law

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's when the fight started...

______________________________

The Unreasonable Wife
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The Humour-less Wife
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The Mis-informed Wife
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober
since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The Dangerous Wife
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something
more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her
point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only
a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,
"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________

The Lazy Wife
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The Humourless Husband
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van,
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into
the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up
to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The well rounded Wife
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The Soft Husband

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify
my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

The Masochistic Husband

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's when the fight started...

my only joke, it's probably already been done ...


bloke in a thor fancy dress costume pulls a lass with a lisp in a nightclub, goes back to her place and shags her all night long, not leaving until the next morning after a 10 hour session

the following night he decides to go back and see her again, he knocks on her door and a little voice shouts "who is it?"

"it's me thor from last night" he replies

the lass with the lisp opens the door and says;

"you're thor? i'm so f*cking thor i can't even pith"

I locked eyes with an incredibly sexy Thai girl when I was on holiday. I kept on saying to myself, "Don't get an erection, Don't get an erection."

But she did.

A priest books into a Travel-lodge hotel and says to the receptionist "I hope the porn channel is disabled?"
The receptionist replied; "no, it's ordinary porn you sick bastard!"