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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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I was watching the news about the stricken cruise ship and the Sky presenter said "She's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court". I just happened to glance at the wife and now it's all kicked off!!!
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April 14th 1912:
MAN: "Women and children only please." 25 years ago: WOMAN: "Women want sex equality" 15 years ago: WOMAN:"Women to fight sexism" 5 years ago: WOMAN:"Women winning on sex equality" 3 days ago: WOMAN: "It was unbelievable, men were trying to get into the lifeboats before women" |
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I rang the Airfix model shop this morning and asked the shop owner if he had any models of an Italian cruise liner.
He said "Yes we've got one left" I said "Great, can you put it on the side for me?" |
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I hate it when shows censor bad language, replacing the word with a 'beep'.
Surely it would be funnier to hear what Roadrunner actually says to Wiley Kyote. |
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I saw a sign today that almost made me p*ss myself. It said "Bathrooms closed."
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terrible one stolen from football forum
what do the The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common? Icy dead people |
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I was receiving a **** from my downs syndrome girlfriend the other night,but the only thing is she won't let me **** in her mouth,so I'v started **** on the window and letting nature take its course
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Italian divers searching the stricken cruise ship have found two
Glaswegians in the bar. They've told the divers to **** off they're all inclusive! |
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My wife said she want to go camping to somewhere she`s never been before.....
so i put her a tent up in the kitchen!.... |
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My wife asked me this morning if i could get some of those pills that make me hard for hours.
Later that evening you should had seen her face when i handed over some diet pills. |
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a bloke goes to doctors for a check up
doc says,"i have some good news and some bad news" bloke sez,"wots the bad news?" doc sez,"you only have a week to live" bloke sez,"well,wots the good news then!" doc says,"did you see the blonde receptionist when u walked in?" bloke sez,"yes" doc sez,"i s#agged her last night!" |
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She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said Softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming Or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She replied........., "The egg timer's broken." |
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An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises as the gentleman had a rare type of blood.
It couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again and that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street." To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins". |
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You can follow the Harry Redknapp trial live on Twitcher
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my wife has left me for a Mexican guy. 15 years of marriage and to think I had no idea I was married to a Pedrophile
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Manchester City are to bring out their own range of commerative stamps.
The first one will have Scott Parker's head on it. |
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I offered a patient in my surgery a cup of tea today after his checkup
Apparantly saying 'one lump or two' is considered inappropriate after giving him a diagnosis of testicular cancer. |
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Kenny Dalglish has rubbished rumours that Andy Carroll will be shown the door this month. KD said: "We have shown him the goal for months now and he hasn't managed to hit it, so its a complete waste of time showing him the door."
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wife in kitchen shouts out "what do you want for dinner love"?"beef,lamb or chicken"?ooh chicken please says her husband, "your having soup you fat ba$tard i was talking to the cat"!
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this is a bit crude but here goes:
What's the difference between sand and menstrual fluid??? You don't drink sand. |
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Thats even worse than your Golf tips Rhino!....
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Nothing is worse than my golf tips golfnut...
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I wouldn't say I'm smug, but every year on my birthday I phone my mother to congratulate her.
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Today, I went to my first Stalkers Help Group meeting and I was amazed that I knew a lot of the people there...
... but they didn't know me. |
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I try to masturbate once a day for the health benefits.
The other four times are just for me. |
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what is 9 inch long and hangs off a c**t?
ANDY CARROLLS PONY TAIL |
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I think God let women orgasm so that they can be happy and still moan.....
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All this bull about watching out for you old aged neighbours......
87 year old neighbour of mine has not even taken her daily papers off the porch for 2 weeks...or her milk....lazy bitch! |
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Can someone tell me, is the film War Horse about a horse from Newcastle?
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I went round a guy from works house today to take his daughter out on a blind date to cheer her up, as I looked out of his kitchen window I asked, "What's with the marquee on your garden pal?"
We were both understandably upset to find it was a pair of his daughters knickers drying on the line. |
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a guy came up to me and said,"waltzers,big wheel,rifle range,hook a duck,candy floss!!
i said, "fair comment!" |
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i took a tennis player out for a drink,i asked her what she wanted,she said ,"Juice!"
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not "LOVE,jUICE?"
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Woman goes to the doctors and says everytime i take my bra off a black man pops up between my boobs pulling stupid faces. Doctor says you must have sillycoon implants!
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no joke on this thread has made me laugh like that one did Toonangel
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In 2044, Jedward will turn 53.
But thanks to Denise Welch, you dont have to wait until then to see a rancid pair of 53-year-old tits on your TV. |
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italian, frenchie and cockney discussing which nationality were the best lovers
Italian- when i make love to my wife- such is her extasy - that afterwards she vibrates with happiness and levitates 10 cm clear of the bed Frenchie- zees is nothing- when I finish making zee love to my Mistress Fifi - such is her extasy she levitates a clear 30 cm above zee bed Cockney- last night i banged my missus - finished- got up and wiped my c ..k on the curtains- and my wife hit the roof |
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." |
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Said to my girlfriend "What do you want for your birthday Fatty?".
She said "Don't get lippy" Mascara it is then! |
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I was in currys earlier today and asked my mrs"whats your favourite tele tubby?" She said "Tinky Winky" I rolled my eyes and replied"No you fat f uck, which tv do you want?" . . .
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