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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. A spokesman for the BNP school of skydiving said they have no idea why his snorkel and flippers didn't open
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There once was a mouse called Keith,
Who circumcised boys with his teeth, It wasn't for leisure, Or sexual pleasure, But to get to the cheese underneath. |
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My wife says size does not matter, so why do all her vibrators look like they are missing a lamp shade?
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When's Bigmo showing his face?!
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He doesnt, as has been explained before, he is a she.
Username is short for bigmohammad. |
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My wife and daughter are leaving because of my obsession with horse racing.
And they're off! |
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Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?" |
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What's the betting, every time Natasha Giggs hears, "This is Big Brother..."
... She pulls her knickers off and gets on her back. |
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Young lady is engaged to be wed, asks mum about the secrets of keeping a husband happy in the bedroom.
"simple replies mum,let me show you grannies way,always kept yer dad happy for 30 yrs". Mum goes to the larder and produces a packet of bread dough,throws it in a heap on the floor,removes knickers and crouches. Easily grabs the dough between her feminine parts and stands up," A vice like grip will come with 7 months practice and Paddy will never think of going anywhere else" is mums advice. In bed in the hotel room on the night and paddy eagerly awaits the bride returning from the bathroom, she enters the room and fetches a bag of dough from her overnight bag. "What do you make of this paddy", she says as she crouches over the pile on the floor and lets rip an enormous fart that shakes the room. Pddy is shocked and replies, "jasus,if it barks like that at the sight of bread dough, there is no way i want to show it any meat". |
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The last five posts are not worthy of the term "joke"
absolute ****, the lot of them |
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^ imvho, of course
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last 4 shirley
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that is the worst joke on this fred
looks like you made load of stuff up just to fit in the knee grow term. jesus  |
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Not just the worst joke on this thread, the worst joke ever constructed.
Total and utter s h it |
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as they say on the internet, epic fail
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I see that Blacks have appointed the receiver.
Must be the winter of their discount tents? |
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I was surprised to see the new Thatcher film has been given a 15 rating.
Apparently it's unsuitable for minors. |
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Cahill says no to Chelsea
Apparently Mrs Cahill cannot agree personal terms with John Terry. |
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Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away. The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves. Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson. So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap. Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?" |
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We're so skint that I had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys to help pay for Christmas.
If things get any worse I might have to cancel Sky Sports. |
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Like it
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The Euro one
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I rammed an ice lolly up my a*se earlier.
It was Fab. |
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David Blaine might like to think he's the world's greatest illusionist...
But I can walk into any bar in the world and I become instantly invisible to all women. Your move David. |
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Should have seen the sh*t I had last night.
It was so big, Madonna tried to adopt it. |
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To spice things up in the bedroom department, the wife and I agreed to try some role reversal.
She went to Ann Summers and got a strap-on. That night she put it on. I cuddled, kissed and fondled her. Then she went to mount me. And I told her to p*ss off because I was tired. |
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I'm not normally suspicious, but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected his special resin into her crack.
She hasn't even got a car. |
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I can't remember whether I've got dyslexia or dyscalculia, it's definitely won of the three.
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1st January 2012
Time 00:00:01 And Emile Heskey has already matched his goal tally for 2011. |
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The U.S. government is selling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia.
It's part of a new initiative called, 'Operation Regret This In Five Years' |
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My wife will never catch me wanking to Babestation.
There's not a floorboard invented yet that won't creak under her bulk |
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My fifteen year old son had a date last night with a girl he really likes and he asked me, "Dad, what's the best way to guarantee a shag?"
I handed him two rohypnol and said, "Here son, try these." A few hours later I found the daft idiot unconscious on his bedroom floor. I like this! |
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YES!! British Telecom internet supply!!
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Our local muslim optician has just died...
Asif eyecare |
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So Anthony Worrall-Thompson has been arrested for stealing cheese.
Next time he should do it more Caerphilly. |
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My girlfriend recently asked me to pop in to town and buy her something to make her look sexy.
So you can imagine the look on the fat cow's face when I returned with a case of slim-fast and a barrel of beer. |
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I was told today that my 18 year old sister was actually adopted.
I've never gone through a box of tissues so quickly. |
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Just read the headline 'Motorcyclist killed in A1 collision' on the BBC website.
I for one think that the media should show more respect to the grieving family and refrain from rating fatal accidents. |