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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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 harry |
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Very good Harry
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i went in the job cenre with my dog to claim benefit for him,
The woman said,"dont be silly,dogs dont qualify!" I said,"well he"s brown he stinks and he dont speak english" she said,"his money should be in by monday" |
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could see a ban.cant take credit for my joke...jimmy carr..a classis though  |
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My son walked in today with his new girlfriend.
"This is Sarah," he said. "I've heard a lot about you," I smiled. "Really? All good I hope," she smirked. "Oh yes, he's a lucky boy," I replied. "It was a year before his mother let me bash her back doors in. |
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I woke up this morning and found Gloria Gaynor's ghost at the foot of the bed, first I was afraid then I was petrified.
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I saw a headline the other day "Woman beats off rapist"
I thought to myself, "now that's a reasonable compromise"........ |
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town in New Brunswick . With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fellow on your knee!" |
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A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the
next collection of soiled clothes : "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON A**!!" |
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A chap brings his dog into the vet and says
"Could you please cut my dog's tail off?" The vet examines the tail and says, "There is nothing wrong. Why would you want this done?" The man replies, "My MIL is coming to visit, and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!" |
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a bloke took his dog to the vets,
the vet said,"im gonna have to put this dog down!" "Why?" said the bloke "cos my my arms are killing me", said the vet |
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i took a dentist out for a drink,
i said "wot u havin?" she said," a pera teef"  |
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i said to my wife,"why have u got that great big handbag when uv got feck all in it?"
she said,"well,u wear underpants dont u!!!!" |
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i changed a bulb on my car and said to my mate paddy,"is the rear indicator working?"
he said,"yes,no,yes,no,yes,no" |
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A judge says to a geordie skinhead,"You stand before me accused of throwing this MACKEM off the 10th floor of a building.What do you have to say before i sentence you?"The skinhead replies with "He was only a MACKEM for fcuk sake"The judge responds,"That,s not the point,he could,ve hit someone!"
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I phoned the police the other day.
"What's your emergency?" they asked. I said, "Two girls are fighting over me." "OK," she paused. "Well what's the problem?" "The fat one's winning." |
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I was having a crap in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door.
He said, "Can I see your ticket please?" "Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a ****!" He said, "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?" "No problem," I said, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn." |
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I phoned the police the other day.
"What's your emergency?" they asked. I said, "Two girls are fighting over me." "OK," she paused. "Well what's the problem?" "The fat one's winning." |
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0.01/100 for the train one btw
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sorry for some reason it made me chuckle
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the fat ones winning
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I was in Tesco with my wife, and she said, "what a lazy coont you are." I almost fell out of the feckin trolley!
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irish historians have found the headstone of what they believe to have been the oldest living man,his name was miles,he was 152 and was from dublin
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the fat ones winning........brill
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The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my tools" "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked. "I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other **** using my stuff." She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another ****?" |
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Done my chores for the day. Just filled the dishwasher up...
..or 'made love' as she likes to call it... |
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Qu)What do you call a woman with two *****?
Ans) Mrs Neville. |
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Intelligence sources say Al Qaeda are now planting bombs in alphabeti spaghetti tins.
A spokesman, for the anti terrorist squad, said that if one of these devices goes off it could spell disaster. |
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hh,
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HH
You ruined a good joke there. "D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R" |
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Sex therapists say that the most effective way a woman can arouse a man is to lick his ears...
Personally, I think it's bollocks. |
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Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam
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Topical anyway........
Father Christmas goes down a chimney and is greeted by a sexy girl in a mini dress....."ooh hello who are you" she says....."im Father Christmas,i have come to bring your presents" he says as he bends down and starts putting presents under the tree...........she says..."mmm i like beards do you want to stay a while?"...."leave it out love im busy tonight" he says.....she stands in front of him as ...he is kneeling down and slips off her dress revealing sexy lingerie...."are you sure you wont stay" she says...."i cant,like i said im busy" he replies.......She slips off her bra and spreads herself out on the sofa....."are you sure you wont stay" she says....he replies........"well....im going to have too stay a while....i`ll never get back up that chimney now!!! |
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Neil Lennon said, Celtic could field a weak team for their next Europa league fixture.
As opposed to? |
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There are actually quite a lot of black people where I work.
I'm a Prison Guard. |
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At this time of year I always find myself thinking of those less fortunate than I am...And I always end up laughing heartily to myself.
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Turns out girls only like a black penis if it's attached to a black man.
On an unrelated note, does anyone know how to treat necrosis? |
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Turns out girls only like a black penis if it's attached to a black man.
On an unrelated note, does anyone know how to treat necrosis? |
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I took a bird back to my house for sex last night.
Twenty seconds into it my **** went floppy. She looked at me and said, "You can do better than this, surely?" "Of course I can" I said, "But you shouldn't put yourself down like that." |