Not sure whether your dog or your wife is your best friend?
Lock them both in the boot of the car for an hour and when you let them out see which one's pleased to see you!

^^^^^ BAD TASTE

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day
at school

So I beat him up and stole his dinner money.

Wayne Rooney got home from football practice with the England squad and said to Coleen
"John Terry says he's shagged all of our birds except one"
Coleen replied "I bet it's that Posh Spice, the stuck up cow !"

a recent report out today says 40% of men over 40 suffer from erection
problems!.....

looking at 40% of women over 40 its not fkn difficult to see why......

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.

Went to answer door

Heard very quiet carol singing. looked down and saw a singing snail on doorstep

Kicked the cheeky molusc down the street

12 months later, knock at door

No one there, looked down and saw a snail


"What did you do that for?" he asked

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks, thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter

Just gonna be the two of us'

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'


'Nope.... just when it's raining'

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day.

They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie.

The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America".

With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming.

The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country.

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.

The Englishman asks, I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out. Now what is your wish.

The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

A gypsy mum catches her son fingering his sister. She says, "You'd better tell me something that's going to make this alright!"
Son replies,"I've found dad's wedding ring!"

I opened my front door this morning to find my Asylum Seeker neighbour lying face down in the snow with a knife stuck in his back. I ran back in the house & shouted to my wife:"quick come & see whats happened!" "what is it?" She asked, I replied"Your not gunna believe this, it's been fooking snowing!"

‎12 gold hoops, 11 weeks on bail , 10 richmond kingsize, 9pm curfew, 8 bruised ribs, 7 different dads, 6 grams of Mkat, 5 sovereign rings, 4 stolen rims, 3 ASBOs, 2 much to drink and a brand new S.T.D....celebrate christmas in Newham

Just got a job at the Samaritans and loving it, my first call was Abdul. He rang me saying he was on a train track and feeling suicidal.
I said 'Abdul,keep calm and stay on the line'..!!

Got pulled over by the police last night and ordered to get out of my car. "you're staggering : said the officer " your not a bad looking fooker yourself i replied :)

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swam with sharks, wrestled bears and
climbed the highest mountain. So it came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.

what's so bad about being 80?

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man.

"You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"



     "I don't wake up until 7:00."

i,m a celebrity get me out of here has decided to mix the bush tucker trial game up a bit they,ve decided to make a kangaroo eat one of fatima whitbreads t esticalsi,ll get me coat