Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car
for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed
the 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to
find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is and how
to do it.

Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can
be a real bitch to start in the morning.

New models are initially fun to own, but very expensive to maintain and
even more expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially have head-turning appeal but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel and the kerbweight typically increases with age.

Not expected to reach collector status

… best to lease one and replace each year.

One of the protestors at dale farm has been knocked over after a car reversed over him...police are urging the driver to come forward

^ 

Reports are coming through that a Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol.
Police say it's definitely race related.

HH 7

a gay chap had a tattoo of mike tyson on his backside to suprise his boyfriend,
his boyfriend said,"im not getting in the ring with him!!"

The other day I was indecently assaulted by a group of mime artists...... They did unspeakable things to me.

My girlfriend had a 'near death' experience yestetday....
Silly cow thought she could Hoover while the football was on

I went into an Irish pub today and bought a pint of Guinness.

The barman gave me £17.10 change.

I said, "I gave you a fiver mate."

He said, "No you didn't, it was definitely a twenty, nice try though!"

I ended up in bed with two Thai girls last night; it was like  winning the lottery....
We had 6 matching balls.

bloke rings up the boss and says,"i wont be in today im sick"

"how sick are you?",says the boss

"well,im in bed with the dog at the moment!!" says the bloke

What's black with 2 broken arms?

Colonel Gaddafi's sunglasses.

a bloke goes into a bar,the barman says,
"what you havin mate?"

bloke says,"a pint of lager and 20 **** please"(its an old one!!)

barman serves him and says,"thatll be seven pounds please"

bloke says,"im not paying you!,you asked me what i was havin and in my book that means i dont have to pay you!"

the barman says ,"you better pay mate or else!"

a solicitor who was at the bar says to the barman,

"actually,you wouldnt have a leg to stand on if this went to court,he came in and you asked him what he was havin!!"

the barman says,"ok you drink up and dont come in here again,your barred"

next night the bloke comes in again!,the barman says,"oi,you,get out"

"why?,says the bloke

"why?,because you came in last night and conned me", said the barman


"iv never been in here before in my life",said the bloke

"well you must have a double",sez barman

"thanks,i"ll have a whisky",sez bloke!!!!

I've just been chatting to a gorgeous bird on a dating website.
We were getting really flirty when I asked her what she would do if I invited her around to my house.
"First I'd lead you upstairs", she started, "tie you to the bed, rip your pants off and suck your shaft dry".

"Crazy bitch", I thought just before I deleted her "If you'd actually paid attention to my profile you'd see I live in a bungalow"

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

"That's right!" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

My wife came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now! I don't need you now!"

Guess who had to put the batteries in.

:^0

Qu) What do you do when England wins the World Cup?

Ans) Turn off the Playstation 3.

I was luckily wearing my seat belt during a crash in my car yesterday, but my wife went through the windscreen...

And ended up in the back seat.