A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husbands legs?"

The doctor replies "We call that the p3nis." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the p3nis?"

The doctor replies "We call that the head of the p3nis. The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"

The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fcuk your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that's the Robinson's, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fcuk herself!"

A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in New York and they pass two squirrels having sex. The little boy asks his mom, "Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?" The lady responded, "They're making a sandwich." Then they pass two dogs having sex and the little boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again replied they were making a sandwich. A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said "Mommy, Daddy, you must be making a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!"

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."

Apparently Paul McCartney has got the hump with his new wife already. She's spending twice as much on shoes as the old one.

Had a celebration dinner ruined the other night by a crowd of people on another table chanting paedo - paedo.

All I was doing was celebrating our tenth anniversary with my 21yr old girlfriend.

A Yorkshire conversation.....

A young chap, (from Leeds) says to his dad, 'Thinking of getting married, dad..!'

'Oh, yes, son, anybody I know?'

'yes, dad, it's Betty Brevitt as works down the dairy'

'Eee, that's nice son' but I don't meant to pry into your personal and private affairs, but have you made love to her yet, lad?'

'Ee, no, dad, but them as has, say's she's champion at it..!!'

Michael Jackson trial...

Dr Conrad Murray has told the court about jacksons dramatic weight loss..Michael had got so thin that although his pyjama tops were still adult size he could still squeeze himself into childrens bottoms.

Two guys work in a hotel as receptionist/bellboy.
One night a couple check in for the honeymoon suite in their wedding outfits. The woman is the best looking woman they've ever seen...gorgeous face/tits/arse/legs..everything.
The guys are just discussing what a lucky man the husband is when he comes down in his fishing kit at 10pm and doesn't return till 10 in the morning.
Next night same thing happens and the next and the next etc.
After 13 nights of this the husband comes down again in his fishing kit at 10pm so one of the guys says
"Excuse me mate I know it's none of my business but aren't you on your honeymoon?"
"yes" comes the reply
"Well how come you're not upstairs making love to your gorgeous wife?"
"Oh no" says the man "I couldn't do that she's got gonorrhea"
"Well then" says the other guy "couldn't you get her to give you oral?"
"Jesus no" says the man "she's got pyorrhea"
"Well for **** sake" says the first guy "she's the best looking girl I've ever seen...what about sticking it up her arse?"
"Oh feck no" says the man "she's got diarrhea--I couldn't do that".
Well ffs says the first guy you've just married a woman with gonorrhea,pyorrhea and diarrhea...why the feck did you marry her?













"Coz she's got worms and I just love to fish"

The ten cent martini.....

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Prescott , Arizona ...



They turn a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - ALL  drinks 10 cents'.

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be,                    Gentlemen?"

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ordered a martini.

In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis...shaken, not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment... then look at each other.

They can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another  round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."

They  pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.

They have each had two martinis and so far they have spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender said, "and I always wanted to own a bar.

Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place.

Every drink costs a dime...wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same."

"Wow!!!! That's quite a story," says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, they're all old retired farts from Wisconsin ,    They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half price.

In Belfast a Catholic woman was shot in the fanny this morning. Later a protestant woman was shot in the
breast.
Police think it may be a Tit 4 **** shooting!

It was coming to the end of the day and sitting in his tiny near deserted local pub in Mt. Isa was an Abbo.

He was having a few beers as usual when a short well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards the Abbo and whispered, "Do you want a ****?"

The Abbo leaped up with fire in his eyes knocked the gay man off his stool and smacked the sh*t out of him.

He dragged him out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in the car park and returned to his seat at the bar.

Not entirely amazed at what just happened the barman quickly brought over another beer to the Abbo and said,
"I've never seen you react as badly as that before.

What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the Abbo replied.. "Something about a job."

Brigadier "Buffy" Fortesque-Smythe is invited to give a presentation to the Womens Institute about his various military campaigns.
The talk goes well for an hour and then he decides to conclude with a spot of humour.
"Ladies shall I leave you with a little joke? What part of a woman is round, moist and surrounded by hair?"
There's an awkward silence, before the Brigadier boldly declares, "No? The ****!"
There's an immediate chorus of boos and cries of "shame" and "disgusting" as the outraged ladies hurl missiles.
The Brigadier retreats through the stage door to find his driver wearily shaking his head. "You **** up the eyeball joke again, didn't you Sir?"

So i bought an iphone 4, Then steve jobs died.....Then i bought a blackberry, and BBM died.....

Just on my way to pick up a Justin Bieber CD as we speak...

A man is waiting in hospital for his wife who is having a serious operation, hours pass before a doctor comes out to talk to the husband.

'Listen, I have good news and bad news, the good news is your wife is fine and will recover, and should live longer than you' says the Doctor,

'Thats great, whats the bad news' replies the man,

The doctor explains, 'The bad news is that there have been some complications, as a result of the operation im afraid she no longer has control over her ana1 muscles so she is constantly dripping excrement, there will also be a strange fluid escaping from her vag1na continuously which means that you cant ever have sex with her again'. 

The doctor goes on to explain more and more problems sending the man into a panic, with the man distraught the doctor taps him on the shoulder and says, 'no no no, im sorry i was joking, everything is okay, she died'

irish boxer got concussion

he was a feather weight

a bloke answered his door and a mosquito with a knuckle duster beat the sh~t out of him!

he went to the doctors in a right state and told him what happened

the doctor said,

"yes there is a nasty bug going around!!!!!"

Q: What's the difference between a blond and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.