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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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2 irishmen having a row on a submarine,
paddy says to murphy,"outside you ****!!" |
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houdinis missus threw him out and changed all the locks!!!
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mr smith was staying at a blackpool guest house,
he gets up for breakfast and the landlady sez,"full english sir?" "no ta,i only eat beans and loads of em "sez mr smith so she gives him 4 tins, 4 hours later the police are at the door!, "have you a mister smith staying here?"sez the cops, "yes"sez landlady, "well im afraid hes dropped down dead in town!!"sez cops, landlady sez,"well i cant understand that,he was full of beans this morning!!" |
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i get all the best women at swingers parties...........That ferrari keyring was the best £1.50 i have ever spent.
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Gepetto walked in on his son Pinnochio, and nearly died of a heart attack when he saw his son..
Lying under the bed sheets with an IKEA catalogue.. |
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Andy Murray is to be sponsored by 'Pritt Stick'.
Great on paper. **** on any other surface. |
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I once had a lot of arguments and rants with my bank manager. But then I decided to consolidate all my rants into one simple monthly outburst.
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A wise man once said....
"f*ck off and stop stealing all my quotes" |
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I spotted a tiger at the zoo yesterday.
It looks like a leopard now. |
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I went to a postman's birthday party today.
We played pass-the-sorry you weren't in note. |
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Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin
His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit - A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel" Mario asks "And what do I do with these things, doc?" The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue - If she says 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen' ........ "you hit her with the shovel" |
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LOL---Bigmo
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The other day I saw a man fastening two metal panels together, whilst dressed as Princess Anne and singing the Japanese National Anthem. I stood and watched for a whole hour - it was strangely riveting.
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Blenda
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went to a bulimic society party last night... the place was heaving
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A young guy turns up at a hotel reception:
"I'd like a single room, please." "Certainly, sir," says the receptionist. "With bath or shower?" The guy is a bit short of cash, so he asks, "What's the difference?" "You have to stand in the shower," says the receptionist. |
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I attended a kamikaze reunion as the after dinner speaker.
I was the only one there. |
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If one more person asks me to do a somersault I'm gonna flip!!!!
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When Ryan Giggs' wife divorces him and gets half of everything, she'll have 6 more Premier League medals than Steven Gerrard....
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A Liverpool prostitute has taken out a super injunction to stop people saying that she slept with Wayne Rooney.
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A new device has been invented to reduce the noise made inside your car by 95%...
...It fits right over her mouth. |
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I think actress Hilary Swank would make herself more accessible to men if she changed her forename to Gloria!
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After the explosion, I realised my Paki neighbour's warning wasn't just a poorly spelled message.
Yesterday I laughed at the text he sent me... "Mined your step." |
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My wife is leaving me because my stories never make any sense.
And that's how I saved Christmas |
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Paddy says to Mick look at the forest over there he says i cant the trees are in the way
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Why a man should ever want to marry is a mystery. Why a man should want to marry two women is a bigamistery.
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A study suggests that the purpose of yawning may be to cool the brain. Which apparently gets overheated when listening to a woman talk.
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Today I got the wife one of those handy little safety devices specifically designed to help women drivers avoid accidents. A bus pass.
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Lesser known facts of history No 213
Anne Boleyn had a brother called Tenpin. |
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whats a german animal doctors favorite pop group?
vet vet vet!! |
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Doctor tells me that ive got a germ with a 9 year incubation period..................have i got any idear where i might have picked it up.
mmm.............must have been those magazines in the waiting room. |
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My dyslexic friend died after a drinking seesion last night - choked on his own vimto
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My plan to get my mrs to swallow my semen is coming on a treat
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They say there is plenty more fish in the sea so, until I catch one, I'll keep hold of my rod
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Just saw Kevin Webster in his garage working on a 14 year old escort......
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10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have no jobs, no hope and no cash.
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Apparently Wayne Rooney is gutted about being sent off tonight
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On the eve of our anniversary my girlfriend and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.
Come the morning I was up first, so I slowly pulled back the covers... and stuck my c*ck in her mouth. |
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I saw Jo Brand get hit by a train the other day.
Turns out she can make me laugh. |
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Jesus was in a foul mood after shagging his new girlfriend for the first time.
She asked: "What's up with you?" Jesus replied: "Oh, nothing... It's just really f*cking annoying to hear a bird scream your dad's name while she's having an orgasm." |