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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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I went for a self-defence class last night.
The instructor said, "I want you to take me by surprise and attack me" So when I saw him in Sainsburys the next day I threw a tin of beans at his head. |
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A 91 year old woman has taken up belly dancing ! Which is unusual as 91 year old women usually prefer hip op .
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Due to my wheat allergy I can only count up to seven in french!
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'Hundreds and Thousands 'To Join Strike Action'
Flakes, crushed nuts and rainbow drops have yet to decide... |
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I've just finished reading the fifth book in the "learning to count" trilogy
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Everyone can put on their curriculum vitae that they know a little Latin.
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carlos tevez is retiring from football and opening a sandwich shop.... to be named subnoway
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an indian got beat up in his teepee
police have charged a man with wounding within tent |
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my missus moaned about my premature ejaculation so i started opening my eyes!!
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I picked up a fat chick wearing a tracksuit in my taxi and dropped her off at the park.
She jumped out and started jogging down the road beside me. "You go girl!" I shouted with a wolf whistle. "You'll be losing those pounds before you know it." "My ****g scarf's trapped in the door, you ****," she replied. |
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BBC News : Capello admits England were lucky
Not sure about Capello's grasp of the English language. But I imagine in the morning he walks past his wife, newspaper in hand, heading towards the bathroom while loosening his belt and says "I'm just off for a big, smelly lucky". |
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I asked my welsh mate how many sexual partners he d had . He started counting then he fell asleep!
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I used to love growing up with my dyslexic father.
Everytime he heard me swear he used to wash my mouth out with soup! |
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The Sun: 'Tory MP Touched My Breasts'
Think yourself lucky - he f**ked the rest of the country. |
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finally arise Sir Bruce Forsythe . Knight to see you to see you Knight .
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Ryan Giggs is still a national hero in Wales at the moment.
For the first time in living memory, jokes about a Welshman having sex don't involve sheep. |
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I pulled up beside a prostitute earlier.
"Jump in," I winked. "I charge £100!" She smiled, slamming the door behind her. "Not tonight," I replied. "The child locks are on." |
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Apparently Alzheimer's is hereditary, both my mum and dad suffer from it now, which scares me because apparently Alzheimer's is hereditary.
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My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer.
"I'm looking for some cheap flights," I replied. "Oh that's great love," she said. "Have you found any? I'll help you look." She usually isn't that interested in darts. |
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A policeman knocked on my door last night.
He said, "I'm afraid your wife has been involved in a serious accident." I said, "You might want to knock next door mate." "Oh" he said. "Are you not Mr Smith?" I said, "Yes, but next door might actually give a ****." |
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what do you call a chinese woman with a food mixer on her head?
blenda |
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a bloke flashed 144 times
police charged him with gross indecency |
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rumour has it when lester piggot was in prison for tax evasion he got wangerred in the showers by a jamaican
he said he would have rather had a yankee up!!! |
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Just won an argument with my wife about whether I could make a functioning bicycle from spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I rode pasta
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Apparently Alzheimer's is hereditary, both my mum and dad suffer from it now, which scares me because apparently Alzheimer's is hereditary.
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I ve decided to stop telling sexist jokes.
There far too complicated for women ! |
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I took Shania Twain out on a date last night. I'm pretty smart, look like Brad Pitt, drive a car and work as a rocket scientist.
It didn't impress her much. |
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You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.
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since i stopped supporting ipswich the kitchen in my house smells alot fresher,
is it because im an ex tractor fan??? |
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A friend of mine in the parachute regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2 years.He has recently married a local girl who can wash up with one hand, cook with the other, dust with a foot while sucking his c*ck and she opens a beer with her ar*e.
Shes called a swiss army wife. |
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So, X-rated websites have been given the approval to have the XXX domain name?
Surely this is going to confuse the Americans when they are shopping for clothes online. |
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How did I get out of Iraq?
Iran. |
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Me and my mate were masturbating to some hardcore dinosaur pornography.
Unfortunately, my mothersaurus.... |
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As I stepped out of the cold shower this morning the Mrs laughed and told me that my penis closely resembled a tic-tac.
"If that's the case," I joked, "why does your sister still have bad breath?!" |
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I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet.
As we were making love I thought: "These taser guns are well worth the money" |
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Bakewell tart is not a pudding. It is a command!!
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I recently opened a cafe in Japan... it started out a bit shaky but people are slowly drifting in.
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i went to a polish hooker,
her name was onyerbackyerbitch |
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i broke up with my leper fiancee,
shes in bits!! |
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did you hear about the spastic boxer?
mohammed alloy |