Venus Williams blamed her early exit from Wimbledon on the bounce of the balls.

Well she should've wore more fitting underwear.

Scientology, for those who think religion isn't far-fetched enough.

http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2011/09/19/nigella-talks-dirty/

An elephant, an ostrich and a crocodile stop a bloke in the street.
The crocodile pulls out a police badge and says, "We have reason to believe you are carrying substances of an hallucinogenic nature, Sir."

got arrested today for wrapping my dick in the beano and wanking on the bus.........
apparently this is not classed as comic relief...............

Quit my job in a helium gas factory yesterday. Refused to be spoken to in that tone.

A cúnt

What do you call someone who reads the punchline first and then the rest of the joke?

All the media attention today was looking at the news that Gadaffi having not been seen for so long has slipped into jordan.

has that woman got any shame!

went in the smallest pub in the world

the thallidamide arms!!

i called my bird a slag,she said,"get out this bed now and take your mates with you!"

my wife was counting out a load of 1 p's an 2 p's on the kitchen table. suddenley she got angry an started screaming an shouting for no reason.  i suddenley realised its cos shes going through the change..

its the last time i go to saddleworth moor,-the kids keep getting under my feet!!

Tell me about it !
DEAF  WIFE "
A man   feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing   aid.
 
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
 
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
 
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. 
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until   you get a response." 
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" 
No response.. 
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey,   what's for dinner?" 
Still no response. 
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey,   what's for dinner?" 
Again he gets no response. 
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's for   dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her... "Honey,  what's for dinner?"
    (I just love this)
   
"Ralph,   for THE FIFTH time,  CHICKEN!"

That's the LAST time I'm using my Sean Connery accent
to ask a girl to sit on my face....

Cash4Gold are rubbish. I sent them my Spandau Ballet 12 inch vinyl and they didn't give me a penny.

The lead conductor of the BBC Philharmonic does the housework at night whilst listening to 80's pop music.

The orchestral man hoovers in the dark

I lay in bed with the wife the other night and said "seeing your face reminds me of the lottery" she said "why, because I'm worth a million pounds to you?"

"No" I said "I wish you'd f**king roll over!!"



People said I'd never get over my Phil Collins obsession.



But take a look at me now...






This blonde decided to buy a vinyl edition of "Jingle Bells" for Christmas in HMV. She strolled up to a bloke at the counter and asked "Do you have Jingle Bells on a 12 inch? "

The bloke looked at her tits and said " No but I have two hairy balls on a nine inch"

The puzzled blonde asked " is that a record? "

The bloke replied " it's not bad for a white man "








Jeremy beadle has a wee c*ck

On the other hand it's quite big..



I caught my wife having sex with my best friend the other day so I told her to pack her stuff and **** off!

As for him I looked him straight in the eye and said "Bad dog no biscuits for you today!"


Man shagging 30 stone woman. He says “Can we have the light switched off?” She said “Why? Do you find me repulsive?”
He said “ No….it’s burning my arse”.

Then there was that chappie on Stoke market in the sixties selling the Elixir of Life. Cures everything from colds to warts and extends your life forever.

The cops picked him up for panhandling and took him to the station

The sergeant said to the constable, 'Go and check to see if he has been brought in before for the same offence, while I take him down to be charged'

As the sergeant was charging him, the constable returned. 'Now', said the sergeant, 'Has he been arrested before?'

The constable said, 'Yes, sarge, once, in 1954, and in 1898 and 1756..!!!'

I just bought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it.

A magician came up to me today and said, "Take a card, any card!".

So i reached into his pocket and took his credit card.