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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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Jeremy Irons
Silly b*stard thats his wifes job! |
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a custard pie has been thrown at Rupert Murdoch on live television .
This matter will now be investigated by the clown prosecution service. |
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I've downloaded the Qur'an on my computer. Anyone want me to burn them a copy?
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I'm not a fan of innuendos, but I do try to slip one in occasionally...
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The day after Christmas must be a bit awkward in the Audley Harrison household.
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Failed my Politics exam. The question was "Describe the role that India plays in the modern world".
Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer. |
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I like going into McDonalds and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
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I love watching videos of lakes and rivers on the internet.
I'm viewing a live stream right now. |
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A gay man walks into a library and asks for a book on HIV.
The librarian replies, "F*ck off, you'll give it to someone else!" |
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Jack Tweed walks in to a library and asks for a book on spiritualism.
The librarian says; "F*ck off, you might bring her back." |
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A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on Tourette's.
The librarian says, "F*ck off, you c*nt." The man says, "Yep, that's the one." |
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A woman goes into a library and says, "I..."
The librarian interrupts and says, "Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?" |
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A man walks into a library and says, "Have you got the book, 'How To Suck Yourself Off'?"
The librarian says, "It's over there; the one with the broken spine." |
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I went into a library dressed as a German classical composer and asked for a book on Austrian actors.
The librarian said, "Aisle B, Bach." |
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A Chinese bloke walks into a library and asks "have you got a book that will remind me of home."
The librarian hands him the yellow pages. |
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I was playing a game of Pictionary and it was my turn. My card said 'A type of ammunition'.
I drew a blank. |
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If I had a penny for every time someone said I have OCD, I'd have 967274 pence.
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The Beckham's new baby's name, sounds like a deaf person trying to tell someone what time Eastenders starts.
Harper Seven. |
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I'm hoping to find a cure for my hiccups.
But I'm not holding my breath. |
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Vanish- 'The UK's Number 1 Stain Remover'
Is there a number 2 stain remover? My boxer shorts are absolutely f*cked! |
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Twitter became popular in France when they learnt they could retweet.
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Not so popular in Italy because they can only retweet.
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A man and his ever nagging wife went on holiday to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, " You can have her shipped home for £5000, or bury her here in the Holy Land for £150" .The man thought about it and told him he would have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you pay £5000 to have your wife shipped home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here AND you would only spend £150?". The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!" [;)]
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As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air.
She then folded her arms and huffed, "You never make the first move", "Jesus!" I said as I rolled my eyes "Every night it's the same thing", "Well you don't!" she moaned "It's always me and quite frankly I'm fed up with it. And before you start, it's nothing to do with you being black", "It is" I said, "No, it isn't" she said, "You know what?" I said as I jumped out of the bed,........ . . . . . . . "You can stick the f*cking chessboard up your ar*e". |
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"Dear, why are there broken condoms on our couch?"
"Wife... Would you please call our children by their names." |
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An engineer, a scientist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are hiking through the hills of Scotland, when they see a lone black sheep in a field.
The engineer says, "What do you know, it looks like the sheep around here are black." The scientist looks at him skeptically and replies, "Well, at least some of them are." The mathematician considers this for a moment and replies, "Well, at least one of them is." Then the philosopher turns to them and says, "Well, at least on one side." |
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A vagabond in England, exhausted and
famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted. "Could I have a pint of ale?" "No!" she shouted. "Could I at least use your privvy?" "No!" she shouted again. The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" "What now?" the woman screeched,intent on not allowing him to finish. "D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?" |
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jesus went to the jobcentre and said,"have you got any jobs for carpenters?"
"yes,we have a job in derby for £400 a week,or 1 in jerusalem for £2000 a week"said the chap i"ll have the job in derby,the last time i was in jerusalem i got hammered with tacks"  |
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i got a book from the library about glue
i cant put it down!! |
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Waking the Dead. One letter away from being the most controversial show on TV.
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BBC News: Indian Elephants cracked tusk repaired with special resin
Wow. Gavin from Autoglass gets around........ |
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I started a website on Audley Harrison a week ago.
No hits so far... |
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what has a slice of burnt toast and a pregnant girlfriend got in common? In both cases you wish you'd taken it out a few seconds earlier
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Here's a picture of me with the band REM.
That's me in the corner. |
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my uncle was a rubbish ventriloquist........
he used to put his fingers up me a*se and ask me not to say anything............... |
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Life was hard when I was a kid. We lived on a rough estate. The other kids used to pick on me and cover me whipped cream and put a cherry on my head......It was hard growing up in the gateaux.
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A lion was drinking at the water hole all the other animals had ran off as he dominated the area snarling at anything that was around. This was a fierce lion that all the other animals were scared of, even the other lions from Millwall, a real bad guy who enjoyed his reputation. All except for a horny gay gorilla who kept a safe distance but edged forward as the lion presented his shapely backside to him as he bent down to lap up some water from the water hole. Ever more turned on by the shapely form he lept on the lion and had his wicked way hanging on for dear life as the lion half in the water and pinned from behind by the weight of the gorilla clawed and roared at him. Finished his dastardly deed the gorilla pushed the lion into the water and ran for his life. The lion thrashed about in the water and once on dry land headed at top speed after the fleeing gorilla. The gorilla had a decent start but the ground was being rapidly consumed by the furious lion.
The gorilla arrived at a tree and sitting in the shade on a deckchair was a great white hunter complete with a pith helmet, slippers, a pipe and a copy of the Times. The hunter faced with the sight of a distant but fast approaching lion and an agitated gorilla right next to him shot up the tree leaving all his possessions behind. The gorilla jumped into the deck chair, placed the helmet on his head, sucked on the pipe and turned to the front page of the Times. The lion arrived at the scene and screeched to a halt. With his best angry lion voice he asked 'Did you see a fcuking gorilla go past here?' The gorilla in his best great white hunter, heard all the stock market ramped up stories, seen it all before voice said 'what the one that shagged the lion up the arse at the water hole?' and the lion in his best pained reputation ruined voice said 'Fcuk me it's not in the paper already is it !!!!!!" |
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Due to the financial problems surrounding many football clubs at present, Man Utd have released 15 members of staff from their payroll.The 5 referees and 10 linesmen involved are said to be devastated.
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On the net earlier, i went on conjuctavitous.com............now thats a site for sore eyes!
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Whats the difference between pink and Purple?....................The Grip
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